Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Updates #29, #45 Final update #49

[WhiteTigerCub]

Mods, I hope this is the appropriate place for  this. For me it seems like the same situation that "That's an interesting assumption" comes in. I've used that several times already in conversation with the aforementioned person, but that apparently has not sunk in...

BG: Not soon enough to be ex and I are set for mediation for our divorce issues. He has demanded I drop an order in return for exchange for the remaining keys he has to my house /BG

Let me state up front... I don't need legal advice in any way..I just wanted to share with others how I handled a verbally abusive situation and see if you felt I was rude. Well, because at every turn "Not soon enough to be ex" tells me how rude I am.

Verbatim with all typos and such included

******FIRST E-MAIL*******
Subject title: Best Possible Outcome

Hello,
     To ensure that the time spent with the mediator is as productive as it can be, we should work with an attitude of trust and co-operation.  This means arriving with a willingness to compromise, and a mutual goal of reaching an agreement.  If we do not start with a desire to succeed this will be a waste of time and money.  The other factors to success have been agreed upon, i.e. <legal matter omitted> .
 
     We need to be honest with each other or this negotiation is doomed to failure.  If I enter this process with suspicions, it is much less likely we will reach an agreement.   If we fail to reach an agreement, that means back to spending a great deal of money on lawyers.
 
     It has occurred to me, that the reason that getting a garage remote control that will not open the door unless it is reprogrammed, is important to you, is so you can give it to someone that can use it.  You have said that there is no one new, but you have placed such importance on getting the remote back, that logically, it suggests there is someone new.  This is a no fault state, there is no down side to being honest with me, and if you are honest with me it is more likely we can reach an agreement.  Is there someone new?  If you say it is none of my business, or it does not matter, you might as well be saying yes there is someone else.  If there is not someone new, then why is the remote so important to you?  It is time to be honest with me.  If you are honest with me it will let me know what the starting point is for this mediation.  By being honest with me it will allow me to believe that you are entering this mediation in good faith.  If I believe your are negotiation in good faith, it is much more likely that this will not be a waste of money.   Please ease, or confirm my suspicions.  There is no down side to being honest.  It is my hope that we can start this mediation with an expectation of success.


****MY RESPONSE******

Of course you know that my mother visits sometimes. It would be nice if she could park in the garage.


****NEXT E-MAIL FROM HIM****

That does not explained anything, try again, or don't you care if I go into mediation with a good atitude?

****MY NEXT RESPONSE*****

Apparently you are not going to believe the truth, so I have nothing more to say.

****NEXT E-MAIL FROM HIM****

If that is the truth, I will believe you, but that is not very likely.

*****MY FINAL RESPONSE TO HIM**** (this is where I was rude..?)

I am really tired of the constant reminders of your doubts in me. It is abusive and it needs to stop. That is the reason I hired a mediator, please refrain from e-mails of a personal nature.



Ok, so temp check please mighty e-hellions. I'll do my time in e-hell if you say I must.



ETA: I have changed the locks and reprogramed the garage door remote I have in my possession. My biggest concern was the mailbox key which I could not get changed without notifying/arranging through the postal service in my area. It seems he's just soooo focused on why I would ask for the garage door remote at all.

Edit: Changed subject to make it sound better and because I really do know Aggressive is spelled with 2 g's

ETA: Add Non update post #29

[Shoo]

I like your approach.  The less said, the better.

He's baiting you, but you know that.  I don't think you were rude, but you did engage him, which you probably shouldn't do.

I think it's intersting that he's given you the power to control HIS attitude when he appears in court. 

[WhiteTigerCub]

Good point Shoo. From here I plan on resisting the urge to respond....so hard not to defend myself 

[Suze]

get a new garage door remote and reprogram it so that it is "different" than the old one

get the locks changed

tell him where to go (politly of course)

[O'Dell]

No you weren't rude. You were very restrained. I agree that you shouldn't engage.

OTOH, he is rude. It's not his business who, if anyone, you keep company with.

I hope you don't mind me saying that I can see why he's a "Not Soon Enough To Be Ex". Best wishes on getting things cleared up as quickly as possible and making his title simply "EX".

[WhiteTigerCub]

Lesson of the day to be repeated 10 times =  "Do not engage"

[dizzygoround]

You were fine. I don't know why he thinks it's his business whether or not you're seeing someone. For that matter, I don't see why it should affect his "attitude" in your mediation sessions or why he thinks his "attitude" is your responsibility.

Next time, all you have to say is "I have answered that question in a previous conversation. Please don't ask me again."

In your mind, just keep going to that happy place in the future in which the divorce proceedings are over with and he's out of your life. 

[Julep]

I agree that you should just stop replying. However, if it comes up during the mediation, well...

If you own the house to which the garage door opener belongs - or if he has no claim on the home by any other means, I'd just say, "I want the garage door opener back because it belongs to me." Full stop.

If the house is still some sort of joint property, I would say, "It is part of the garage door system. Two remotes belong to that system. Having only one reduces the value and effectiveness of the system. There is no logical reason for me not to keep that system together." etc, etc.

Just turn it into boring facts, rather than need or any other emotion-provoking reason.

[TurtleDove]

I agree that it is none of his business at this point who you are seeing, and I agree that even if you had been carrying on an affair during the marriage it would not affect the divorce settlement.  However, I question why you won't just answer his question.  If the answer is, "No, I am not currently seeing anyone, but we are getting divorced so in all probability I will start seeing someone at some point," then tell him that.  If the answer is, "Our relationship is over, and yes, I am seeing someone," then he will have his answer.  He "doubts" your honesty, which is neither here nor there, but from what you provided you are skirting the issue rather than answering him.  Of course you have no obligation to tell him anything, and whether you are seeing someone has no bearing on the divorce settlement/mediation, but he has a point that you are not being "honest" with him.  You should either not engage at all or simply answer his question.  It seems to me that you have not done so yet.

[O'Dell]

I agree that it is none of his business at this point who you are seeing, and I agree that even if you had been carrying on an affair during the marriage it would not affect the divorce settlement.  However, I question why you won't just answer his question.  If the answer is, "No, I am not currently seeing anyone, but we are getting divorced so in all probability I will start seeing someone at some point," then tell him that.  If the answer is, "Our rel@tionship is over, and yes, I am seeing someone," then he will have his answer.  He "doubts" your honesty, which is neither here nor there, but from what you provided you are skirting the issue rather than answering him.  Of course you have no obligation to tell him anything, and whether you are seeing someone has no bearing on the divorce settlement/mediation, but he has a point that you are not being "honest" with him.  You should either not engage at all or simply answer his question.  It seems to me that you have not done so yet.

""You have said that there is no one new, but you have placed such importance on getting the remote back, that logically, it suggests there is someone new.""

She has answered, but he doesn't believe her because she wants the remote back.

(Eh...that was kind of an absurd sentence to type.)

[zoidberg]

Do not engage - ever! Even my Ex-BF, with whom I now have a great, close friendship, went through a phase were he was constantly in my face about what I was doing, who I was seeing, etc. It didn't stop until I politely told him that it wasn't his business anymore and stopped all contact for a while. After some months, we started talking again and have been the best of friends ever since. But we really needed those months of no contact.

And I commend you for your self-restraint - his tone made my blood boil, and I don't even know him. His emails are calculated to get a rise out of you.

"If you do such and such, I'll know you're lying, and then I'll act like an idiot at the mediation. See if I won't." Honestly.  

[TurtleDove]

I agree that it is none of his business at this point who you are seeing, and I agree that even if you had been carrying on an affair during the marriage it would not affect the divorce settlement.  However, I question why you won't just answer his question.  If the answer is, "No, I am not currently seeing anyone, but we are getting divorced so in all probability I will start seeing someone at some point," then tell him that.  If the answer is, "Our rel@tionship is over, and yes, I am seeing someone," then he will have his answer.  He "doubts" your honesty, which is neither here nor there, but from what you provided you are skirting the issue rather than answering him.  Of course you have no obligation to tell him anything, and whether you are seeing someone has no bearing on the divorce settlement/mediation, but he has a point that you are not being "honest" with him.  You should either not engage at all or simply answer his question.  It seems to me that you have not done so yet.

""You have said that there is no one new, but you have placed such importance on getting the remote back, that logically, it suggests there is someone new.""

She has answered, but he doesn't believe her because she wants the remote back.

(Eh...that was kind of an absurd sentence to type.)

Ah - I missed that.  Still, I think it makes sense to 1) answer either "yes, I am seeing someone" or "no, I am not seeing someone but I am free to do so and I probably will start dating soon" or 2) not engage at all.  Skirting the issue is counterproductive.  The soon-to-be-ex cannot expect that the OP will remain single forever and making it clear that she has no intention of doing so and he has no say in her dating life now seems prudent.

[Elfqueen13]

My guess is that in his world "compromise" is synonymous with "do it my way", yes?

I had an ex like that.  Complete Silence worked much better.

[WhiteTigerCub]

My guess is that in his world "compromise" is synonymous with "do it my way", yes?

I had an ex like that.  Complete Silence worked much better.

Yes...you have it right on the money here,


I have said "No, I am not seeing anyone and it will probably be sometime before I even consider it at this point"   Said that at least 2-3 times that I can remember. He just does not get how I could throw away 'such a wonderful marriage'. He is very narssistic. It  took me a long time to realize I was enabling him to treat me badly. I have decided I am not going to enable any further.

The house was mine before we got married. When he moved out he took almost everything in it and put it in storage because he has no place to live. He also has no job. He saw a free ride and I was providing the gas. The gas pump has been turned off and he is doing everything he can to try and get it turned back on.

[TurtleDove]

My guess is that in his world "compromise" is synonymous with "do it my way", yes?

I had an ex like that.  Complete Silence worked much better.

Yes...you have it right on the money here,


I have said "No, I am not seeing anyone and it will probably be sometime before I even consider it at this point"   Said that at least 2-3 times that I can remember. He just does not get how I could throw away 'such a wonderful marriage'. He is very narssistic. It  took me a long time to realize I was enabling him to treat me badly. I have decided I am not going to enable any further.

The house was mine before we got married. When he moved out he took almost everything in it and put it in storage because he has no place to live. He also has no job. He saw a free ride and I was providing the gas. The gas pump has been turned off and he is doing everything he can to try and get it turned back on.

Ah - with this additional information (that you have answered his question and he simply won't accept the answer) I would ask him to not contact you except during the mediation.  And save the emails he sends to you and the messages he leaves on your machine.  Your decisions to date or not to date have no bearing on your divorce proceedings, and since you are getting divorced, your soon-to-be-ex has no right to know anything about you aside from what is germane to the divorce proceedings.