Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Updates #29, #45 Final update #49

[delphinium]

Whether or not you are seeing someone new is not any of his business.  Why is he being so nosy?  It has nothing at all to do with the mediation.  What a controlling jerk.

If the house is yours, the garage remote should be yours, too.  What a petty thing to obsess about.

[CutebutPsycho]

You have my sympathy - I hate this stuff! I agree with those who say 'Do Not Engage' - also known as Don't Feed The Drama Llamas!

Good luck and good riddance to bad rubbish!

[WhiteTigerCub]

Whether or not you are seeing someone new is not any of his business.  Why is he being so nosy?  It has nothing at all to do with the mediation.  What a controlling jerk.

If the house is yours, the garage remote should be yours, too.  What a petty thing to obsess about.

Agree with you 100%  Better he obsess about that than trying to get the cats though!  I've had to watch it carefully to keep that completely out of his thoughts.

[Giggity]

I will cavil at one point.

Without knowing your history, I find it very difficult to equate expressing doubt with abuse.

[WhiteTigerCub]

I will cavil at one point.

Without knowing your history, I find it very difficult to equate expressing doubt with abuse.

I would agree with you, verbal abuse comes in many forms and I had been with him for 12 years. He knows by now I am an honest person, this is not the first time, however, he has refused to believe something I have told him. The only answer he is looking for is "Yes there is someone else" because then he does not have to accept the fact that he was at least partially responsible for his behavior. His most frustrating comments were "Why do you always says "no" to the things I ask you to do?"  Anything to the point of not jumping up at that exact second to fetch him whatever it was he wanted whether I was busy, had a broken foot, told him 'in a minute." it didn't matter, it had to be done RIGHT then, no questions asked.

Oh and did I mention?.. he quit his job a month after we got married. No kids...he did nothing but clean the kitchen once a week, changed the garbage disposal motor once and tended to the backyard lawn.....for 16 months. Every time I tried to tell him he needed to find a job he would come up with a new excuse. "I had a headache today...." "I went to lunch with my Dad."  "My mom needed me to go over to her house."  He wouldn't even fill out an online application because I was the expert and he would just mispell things and can't for the life of him figure out to copy and paste his resume (that I wrote) into the pages.    He is a passive aggressive king!  Maybe I'll just call him PAK  

edit: correct misspell and a few typos

[RosieRiveter]

  Maybe I'll just call him PAK  

Pak-Man 

PacMan does run around consuming everything in his path, after all

[tnpenguinbaby]

I'd be temtped to print out the emails and bring them to the mediation.  Let the mediator see that he is planning on not cooperating 

[WhiteTigerCub]

I'd be temtped to print out the emails and bring them to the mediation.  Let the mediator see that he is planning on not cooperating  

Oh yes...although I doubt the mediator will want to weed through the proof of his entitlement issues 'book' of e-mails I have saved.  

[sammycat]

Wow, I can certainly see why he is soon to be an ex... and definitely not soon enough.

The sanctimonious arrogance he displayed in that email made my blood boil.

You weren't rude.  He's a jerk, to put it very mildly (but you already knew that).

I'd ignore any future contact from him, but continue to print out the emails anyway.

Good luck, and I hope this is all behind you soon.

[sparksals]

Do not let him have this power over you.  By holding onto the Door Opener, you are allowing him to control you.  Take back your own power by simply going to the store and buying new garage door openers and programming them to your opener.  Take the one you have to the store, show it to the clerk, write the name/model of your opener and VOILA - you are free from his power in this area. 

Personally, when I went through my divorce, I changed the locks b/c the ex kept sneaking into the house when I wasn't there.  I wanted the GDO back for safety reasons. 

He's just trying to exert that last bit of control he thinks he has.   Seize it back.

[dietcokeofevil]

Do not let him have this power over you.  By holding onto the Door Opener, you are allowing him to control you.  Take back your own power by simply going to the store and buying new garage door openers and programming them to your opener.  Take the one you have to the store, show it to the clerk, write the name/model of your opener and VOILA - you are free from his power in this area. 

Personally, when I went through my divorce, I changed the locks b/c the ex kept sneaking into the house when I wasn't there.  I wanted the GDO back for safety reasons. 

He's just trying to exert that last bit of control he thinks he has.   Seize it back.

I was going to make the same suggestion.  I replaced one of mine with a key chain model for only $50 a couple of years ago. 

[Twik]

Ah - I missed that.  Still, I think it makes sense to 1) answer either "yes, I am seeing someone" or "no, I am not seeing someone but I am free to do so and I probably will start d@ting soon" or 2) not engage at all.  Skirting the issue is counterproductive.  The soon-to-be-ex cannot expect that the OP will remain single forever and making it clear that she has no intention of doing so and he has no say in her d@ting life now seems prudent.

Turtledove, I think you're assuming that he has no ulterior motive here. I agree, he has no say in her dating life - so why is he pestering her to find out if she is seeing someone else? I would be VERY hesitant to tell him anything about my life or doings at all. I think he is looking for some sort of ammunition - if nothing else, if she says "Yes, I have a new relationship," he may try to use this to blacken her name to their social circle - "See, (sob), my love of life has a new lover, and she's rubbing my nose in it!"  (Yes, many confirmed philanderers will do this, just so the other spouse is seen as the "bad guy" in the breakup.) If she's not dating, he can then tell the mediator that any demands she makes are due to her jealousy, "because I've moved on, and she's still hoping I'll come back to her."

The worst case scenario would be someone who would become violent if his suspicions are confirmed, or be more willing to make an assault on the home if he's sure no man would be there with the ex-wife.

Her life, with or without a new partner, is not his concern any more. Confirming her status as dating/not dating only confirms that he still has an interest in her doings. She needs to cut that string right now.

[TurtleDove]

Ah - I missed that.  Still, I think it makes sense to 1) answer either "yes, I am seeing someone" or "no, I am not seeing someone but I am free to do so and I probably will start d@ting soon" or 2) not engage at all.  Skirting the issue is counterproductive.  The soon-to-be-ex cannot expect that the OP will remain single forever and making it clear that she has no intention of doing so and he has no say in her d@ting life now seems prudent.

Turtledove, I think you're assuming that he has no ulterior motive here. I agree, he has no say in her d@ting life - so why is he pestering her to find out if she is seeing someone else? I would be VERY hesitant to tell him anything about my life or doings at all. I think he is looking for some sort of ammunition - if nothing else, if she says "Yes, I have a new rel@tionship," he may try to use this to blacken her name to their social circle - "See, (sob), my love of life has a new lover, and she's rubbing my nose in it!"  (Yes, many confirmed philanderers will do this, just so the other spouse is seen as the "bad guy" in the breakup.) If she's not d@ting, he can then tell the mediator that any demands she makes are due to her jealousy, "because I've moved on, and she's still hoping I'll come back to her."

The worst case scenario would be someone who would become violent if his suspicions are confirmed, or be more willing to make an assault on the home if he's sure no man would be there with the ex-wife.

Her life, with or without a new partner, is not his concern any more. Confirming her status as d@ting/not d@ting only confirms that he still has an interest in her doings. She needs to cut that string right now.

I don't disagree.  My point was that she should either 1) answer the question truthfully or 2) disengage, not answer the question with a "I've already answered that" or something else that is open to interpretation.  I understood from the OP that she was responding to her soon-to-be-ex's questions with vague non-answers, which, in my experience, will only inflame him further.  My advice was to either answer truthfully or not engage at all.

[snowball's chance]

Wow, what a piece of work! 

It has occurred to me, that the reason that getting a garage remote control that will not open the door unless it is reprogrammed, is important to you, is so you can give it to someone that can use it.  You have said that there is no one new, but you have placed such importance on getting the remote back, that logically, it suggests there is someone new.

Sorry, pal, the only thing it "logically suggests" is exactly what my motives were in getting my apt keys back from my ex-BF -- I no longer wanted him to access to my home.

This is a no fault state, there is no down side to being honest with me

Except that for whatever reason you have convinced yourself there IS someone else, so telling the truth will get her called a liar.

Is there someone new?  If you say it is none of my business, or it does not matter, you might as well be saying yes there is someone else. 

And since she already told you the truth (there is no else), that leaves tons of options, doesn't it 

[WhiteTigerCub]

Non update:

He emailed me today that he was offered a job. Hallelujah!  His car is for repairs so there is no way he can get the car remote to me until then. He also stated he is soooooo worried the garage remote will get broken up in the mail that he wants me to respond back with an alternative. Seriously, I don't care if that gets broken, I just want my mailbox key which he still has. 

Taking everyone's advice and not responding to the drama llama. He's a big boy, I'm sure with the help of his family he'll figure out a way.


Just to respond to a few posts: I have been honest with him 100% about the fact there is no one new in my life. Everytime he asked. (which is coming close to the 50 mark or so during the last 3 months) He does not accept those answers and continues to believe the opposite. Nothing I can do about that except feel good in the fact that he continues to show behavior that affirms exactly why getting him out of my life is necessary.

Oh and can I just say I love you guys! You've all been so helpful in showing me his behavior is completely unacceptable and that I am doing the right thing in ignoring his attention seeking antics.