Author Topic: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Updates #29, #45 Final update #49  (Read 20831 times)

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Elfqueen13

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty
« Reply #30 on: August 31, 2009, 02:19:02 PM »
Just to respond to a few posts: I have been honest with him 100% about the fact there is no one new in my life. Everytime he asked. (which is coming close to the 50 mark or so during the last 3 months) He does not accept those answers and continues to believe the opposite. Nothing I can do about that except feel good in the fact that he continues to show behavior that affirms exactly why getting him out of my life is necessary.

But you leaving him couldn't possibly be because of his behavior!  It must be some evil man who's stolen you away and broken his heart!  It's just his way of making it not his fault. He'll get over it.  Or not. either way, isn't it liberating knowing it's not your problem?
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WhiteTigerCub

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty
« Reply #31 on: August 31, 2009, 02:29:59 PM »
isn't it liberating knowing it's not your problem?

Oh yes indeed! It's probably a bad thing (although not sure how) but I am so happy living alone at the moment.  :D  Freedom is bliss.

Arizona

Twik

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Re: Passive Agressive "Doubts" Meet My Backbone
« Reply #32 on: August 31, 2009, 02:30:16 PM »
I don't disagree.  My point was that she should either 1) answer the question truthfully or 2) disengage, not answer the question with a "I've already answered that" or something else that is open to interpretation.  I understood from the OP that she was responding to her soon-to-be-ex's questions with vague non-answers, which, in my experience, will only inflame him further.  My advice was to either answer truthfully or not engage at all.

How is she to "not engage", and yet ask him for the remote back?
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Elfqueen13

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty
« Reply #33 on: August 31, 2009, 02:38:50 PM »
isn't it liberating knowing it's not your problem?

Oh yes indeed! It's probably a bad thing (although not sure how) but I am so happy living alone at the moment.  :D  Freedom is bliss.

I don't think it's bad.  I hate living alone but those first 2 months in my own place (after 8 years of marriage) were very happy for me.  Once the "new" wore off I still hated living alone but it was nice for a while.
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KitFox

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Non update #29
« Reply #34 on: August 31, 2009, 02:58:39 PM »
You did fine. He's a jerk and makes me very angry just reading what he wrote. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you living with him.

I would leave off asking for the mail key and the garage door opener until mediation, and make those your first two points in your first meeting. Explain to the mediator that you have been asking for them back because they belong to you, and you would like PAK-man to bring them to the next mediation meeting. Make sure you take those emails with you showing that he's calling you a liar and threatening to derail mediation until you tell him what he wants to hear.

Also, my sarcastic response to repeated questions about whether or not I'm seeing someone would probably be met with "No, I'm just making the rounds through [local sports team] for the moment. I'll let you know when I meet someone serious."

WhiteTigerCub

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Non update #29
« Reply #35 on: August 31, 2009, 03:03:44 PM »
Also, my sarcastic response to repeated questions about whether or not I'm seeing someone would probably be met with "No, I'm just making the rounds through [local sports team] for the moment. I'll let you know when I meet someone serious."

LOL - Coffee meet computer screen.    ;D

I must remember that.

Arizona

KitFox

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Non update #29
« Reply #36 on: August 31, 2009, 03:09:31 PM »
Also, my sarcastic response to repeated questions about whether or not I'm seeing someone would probably be met with "No, I'm just making the rounds through [local sports team] for the moment. I'll let you know when I meet someone serious."

LOL - Coffee meet computer screen.    ;D

I must remember that.

...Yeah.... I used that on an ex-BF. He and I happened to be in the same place at the same time, and he (despite having described our relationship when he dumped me as matching SR-71's "She'll Do Right Now") thought nothing of attempting small talk with me. He told me about how his new girl (the one he dumped me for) was and how they'd decided to break up (it was "a mutual decision"). Then asked me how I was. The look on his face...priceless.

TurtleDove

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Re: Passive Agressive "Doubts" Meet My Backbone
« Reply #37 on: August 31, 2009, 03:20:16 PM »
I don't disagree.  My point was that she should either 1) answer the question truthfully or 2) disengage, not answer the question with a "I've already answered that" or something else that is open to interpretation.  I understood from the OP that she was responding to her soon-to-be-ex's questions with vague non-answers, which, in my experience, will only inflame him further.  My advice was to either answer truthfully or not engage at all.

How is she to "not engage", and yet ask him for the remote back?

It's a tough spot. I would either take steps so I did not need the remote back and could completely disengage or I would say, "I am not seeing anyone but we are done so I fully expect to begin dating at some point in the future and it is none of your concern when and if I do" rather than something vague.  I just know from experience that a non-answer or skirting the issue creates more suspicion in a suspicious mind.  With the further information from the OP, I would choose option A, which would be not asking him for the remote back at all.

WhiteTigerCub

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Re: Passive Agressive "Doubts" Meet My Backbone
« Reply #38 on: August 31, 2009, 03:36:10 PM »
I don't disagree.  My point was that she should either 1) answer the question truthfully or 2) disengage, not answer the question with a "I've already answered that" or something else that is open to interpretation.  I understood from the OP that she was responding to her soon-to-be-ex's questions with vague non-answers, which, in my experience, will only inflame him further.  My advice was to either answer truthfully or not engage at all.

How is she to "not engage", and yet ask him for the remote back?

It's a tough spot. I would either take steps so I did not need the remote back and could completely disengage or I would say, "I am not seeing anyone but we are done so I fully expect to begin d@ting at some point in the future and it is none of your concern when and if I do" rather than something vague.  I just know from experience that a non-answer or skirting the issue creates more suspicion in a suspicious mind.  With the further information from the OP, I would choose option A, which would be not asking him for the remote back at all.

I agree with you. Let me clarify, it is really the key to my mailbox I want, the garage door remote was an add on. He wants something from me and I told him that "As soon as I get my mailbox key and garage door remote back, I will do as you ask." His focus on the garage door remote is his issue, I am letting him think that to avoid him becoming controlling over the things that are important to me. (like my cats)

Arizona

katarain

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Non update #29
« Reply #39 on: August 31, 2009, 04:22:50 PM »
Ya know, just because he says that "It's none of your business" means that you are seeing someone doesn't mean that's what it actually means. You can still say that.  It doesn't matter that he gave it another meaning.  Let him think what he wants.  He doesn't get to redefine words!

VorFemme

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Non update #29
« Reply #40 on: August 31, 2009, 10:14:29 PM »
It might be worth getting the mailbox rekeyed and replacing the GDO (reprogram it while you are at it) just to see his face when (if) he ever does bring them back and you stick them in a basket by the door (trash the OLD mail key - the garage door opener can be reprogrammed).

The house we bought in 2005 has a community mailbox around the corner - but the owner's adult children could  not locate the key(s) - so VorGuy got in touch with the post office about rekeying.  We got three NEW keys for the same price (one for him, one for me, and one for the "spare set" of keys kept since the doors have double keyed deadlocks).  The rest of the doors only have a key in them or near them for egress - but one has the mail key just to simplify finding it when its time to get the mail.
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MyFamily

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Re: Passive Agressive "Doubts" Meet My Backbone
« Reply #41 on: September 02, 2009, 12:33:47 PM »
I don't disagree.  My point was that she should either 1) answer the question truthfully or 2) disengage, not answer the question with a "I've already answered that" or something else that is open to interpretation.  I understood from the OP that she was responding to her soon-to-be-ex's questions with vague non-answers, which, in my experience, will only inflame him further.  My advice was to either answer truthfully or not engage at all.

How is she to "not engage", and yet ask him for the remote back?

It's a tough spot. I would either take steps so I did not need the remote back and could completely disengage or I would say, "I am not seeing anyone but we are done so I fully expect to begin d@ting at some point in the future and it is none of your concern when and if I do" rather than something vague.  I just know from experience that a non-answer or skirting the issue creates more suspicion in a suspicious mind.  With the further information from the OP, I would choose option A, which would be not asking him for the remote back at all.

You are still putting the responsibility back on the OP.  She has said that he has asked her if she's seeing anyone, and she has said no.  Why does she now have to say "but I reserve the right to, etc, etc".  That is just giving seeds of suspicion to his silliness.  I disagree with your advice, because it really feels like you are saying "you are being abused, so it is your job to do whatever it takes to make your abuser happy so that they stop abusing you."  Instead, she is taking the correct steps of removing him from her life - and she needs her keys and GDO back in order to do that.


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TurtleDove

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Re: Passive Agressive "Doubts" Meet My Backbone
« Reply #42 on: September 02, 2009, 04:14:07 PM »
I don't disagree.  My point was that she should either 1) answer the question truthfully or 2) disengage, not answer the question with a "I've already answered that" or something else that is open to interpretation.  I understood from the OP that she was responding to her soon-to-be-ex's questions with vague non-answers, which, in my experience, will only inflame him further.  My advice was to either answer truthfully or not engage at all.

How is she to "not engage", and yet ask him for the remote back?

It's a tough spot. I would either take steps so I did not need the remote back and could completely disengage or I would say, "I am not seeing anyone but we are done so I fully expect to begin d@ting at some point in the future and it is none of your concern when and if I do" rather than something vague.  I just know from experience that a non-answer or skirting the issue creates more suspicion in a suspicious mind.  With the further information from the OP, I would choose option A, which would be not asking him for the remote back at all.

You are still putting the responsibility back on the OP.  She has said that he has asked her if she's seeing anyone, and she has said no.  Why does she now have to say "but I reserve the right to, etc, etc".  That is just giving seeds of suspicion to his silliness.  I disagree with your advice, because it really feels like you are saying "you are being abused, so it is your job to do whatever it takes to make your abuser happy so that they stop abusing you."  Instead, she is taking the correct steps of removing him from her life - and she needs her keys and GDO back in order to do that.

I don't think you are reading what I wrote.  My initial advice, when I was under the impression that the OP had provided vague non-answers and continued to discuss these vague non-answers with the stbex, was that if the OP was going to engage in a discussion of whether she is dating anyone else, she should be honest and then end the discussion rather than provide vague non-answers that will only increase suspicion in a suspicious person.  My advice was not that she should engage in this discussion.  Only that if she was going to it would be better to be honest and cut off his expectations.

My advice is not now and never has been that the OP should engage in a discussion with the stbex.  In fact, my advice is that the OP should take steps so that she does not need to engage in discussion with the stbex at all (by simply rekeying the locks and getting a new GDO setup).  My advice was that, if she is going to engage in a discussion with the stbex she should be honest and not provide vague, non-answers. 

GertrudeMcFuzz

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Non update #29
« Reply #43 on: September 04, 2009, 12:23:18 AM »
If he wants an alternative to mailing the remote, ask him to bring the remote and the mailbox key to the session with the mediator.

Michelle Ravel

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Re: Passive Aggressive King Doubts My Honesty - Non update #29
« Reply #44 on: September 07, 2009, 12:41:54 PM »
Wow, that guys is a piece of work.

I agree: don't engage him outside of mediation sessions. If you need keys to stuff, have him bring them to the meetings.

Any more harassing emails you get should be forwarded directly to your lawyer and not replied to.

And good luck!