"She's that way because she doesn't have a man"

[snowball's chance]

This is a phenomenon I’ve noticed.  I’ve known a few women in social or workplace circles who aren’t very nice.  They have generally unpleasant to downright rude, and they don’t treat other people with respect.  Just plain mean.  Say one of these people is named Joan.  Joan happens to not be married or involved with anyone, and is over a certain age.  Joan has never mentioned being unhappy about her single status.

Whenever Joan’s rude personality is discussed, someone will inevitably comment that Joan is “that way” because she doesn’t have a man/husband/partner/relationship.  While I think if Joan does desire to BE in a relationship, her rude personality could certainly hinder that, but I am really troubled by the idea that:

Joan’s not in a relationship, ergo, she is a jerk to everyone else because she must be unhappy solely about being being single.

NOT

Joan’s a difficult person, which may hinder her ability to attract a partner, but who knows if she even wants one.

If a woman named Mary IS married or in a serious relationship, and she also happens to be just as mean as Joan, I feel like it’s much less likely that Mary’s bad personality will be chalked up to a [perceived] bad marriage or relationship.  (Certainly one might wonder how her spouse or partner tolerates her, though.)

I feel like men who are jerks, but aren’t currently attached to anyone, are not subjected to this, or are on a much smaller scale.  People will just think the man is mean/rude for no special reason.

** I should probably note that I am definitely of marriageable age and am not currently in a relationship by choice, so maybe I am more sensitive to this than most would be**

[Hawkwatcher]

This is a horribly sexist assumption and it is very offensive.  By the way, I am married and I do not think that you are being too sensitive to these comments.

[Veronica]

This is a horribly sexist assumption and it is very offensive.  By the way, I am married and I do not think that you are being too sensitive to these comments.

POD

[Dazi]

This is a horribly sexist assumption and it is very offensive.  By the way, I am married and I do not think that you are being too sensitive to these comments.

Agreed....

However, I do sometimes find that people (both male and female) who have reached a certain age without ever having a serious relationship (not necessarily married though) sometimes have issues with compromise/general social skills involved.  I think it is because they have never had to compromise on a daily basis with a partner.  Compromise is a learned skill as are other social skills....if you have never had to do it or have only done so sporadically, you may come off as stubborn and mean or just awkward...

I can think of three women and several men I know that fall into that category.  All are only children that lived at home until their mid-thirties or so  (I don't know if that really has anything to do with it or not...it is just an observation.)

[snowball's chance]

However, I do sometimes find that people (both male and female) who have reached a certain age without ever having a serious rel@tionship (not necessarily married though) sometimes have issues with compromise/general social skills involved.  I think it is because they have never had to compromise on a daily basis with a partner.  Compromise is a learned skill as are other social skills....if you have never had to do it or have only done so sporadically, you may come off as stubborn and mean or just awkward...

Oh, I can see this being the case, but it could also that someone who has never learned/had to compromise in their family growing up, or in friendships or with coworkers is probably not going to be able to do so in a romantic relationship.

[M-theory]

This zooms right past being an interesting assumption to being a ridiculous one.

It seems to me that there's someone for everyone, even the most disagreeable people. Tai's brother's girlfriend comes to mind. One of the big topics on this site is the egregious behaviour of some brides on their wedding days - they clearly aren't single.

The next time someone says it, I'd ask "And just what are you implying about single people?"
 

[M-theory]

P.S.: If it helps, I once knew a guy who was a complete jerk whose family often said he "needed a woman to mellow him out."

[JadeAngel]

P.S.: If it helps, I once knew a guy who was a complete jerk whose family often said he "needed a woman to mellow him out."

Volunteers?

I think it's a ridiculous assumption as well... if someone is miserable in their life they're going to be miserable whether they're in a relationship or not... being in a relationship isn't like waving a magic wand and you're propelled headfirst into happily ever after. A woman may be a little bitter because she feels like she's been left on the shelf, or she might be having family problems.. or maybe her shoes are too tight.

It's a knee jerk reaction from a bunch of people who define themselves by their relationships. She hasn't got one therefore she must be miserable.

[M-theory]

P.S.: If it helps, I once knew a guy who was a complete jerk whose family often said he "needed a woman to mellow him out."

Volunteers?

Surprisingly, no!

[Twik]

This is a horribly sexist assumption and it is very offensive.  By the way, I am married and I do not think that you are being too sensitive to these comments.

Actually, it's not necessarily sexist - it's modern (at least, so far as Freud is "modern"). Don't you know that sexual frustration makes people neurotic and cranky  ?

The sexist part is that a single man would be likely assumed to be "getting some" from some source, even if he didn't have a regular partner, whereas a single woman is not.

[Brandydan]

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Had a massive flashback.

I was always a loner, even as a child, barely dated, had exactly two boyfriends (dated the first one at 28) and married DH at 35.

I could not stand the implications that were tossed around as to why I had no constant male companion, and the reasons why ("I don't understand it.......Brandydan's not ugly/mean/dumb/a junkie..why doesn't she have a man?", or the whispered wonderings of which gender I preferred).

I was perfectly happy with my own company. I had a decent nest egg, a nice apartment in a nice building, my own car, education that I paid for, a cat that was always happy to be pampered, a slew of nieces and nephews that I adored and spent a lot of time with, siblings that always loved me, etc.......yet somehow, there was something 'wrong' with me.

When I met DH, it was as friends, and we both never expected it to go further than that. Had the 'spark' never been ignited, I think - No, I KNOW - that I would still be comfortable being single.

Being alone is different than being lonely, and I think that the OP's lady-in-question is not cranky because she does not have a man, but cranky because others overlook her and see only a single person and for them somehow that is not normal.

[pootbear]

This is a phenomenon I’ve noticed.  I’ve known a few women in social or workplace circles who aren’t very nice.  They have generally unpleasant to downright rude, and they don’t treat other people with respect.  Just plain mean.  (snipped for space) Whenever (snip) rude personality is discussed, someone will inevitably comment that (someone)  “that way” because she doesn’t have a man/husband/partner/rel@tionship. 

Well that IS an interesting assumption but I personally think the error occured before the remark was made in trying (perhaps well meaningly) to explain, justify, or excuse so-n-so's rude behavior. Some people just act mean and rude and I have to agree with you, it's an inteesting assumption to chalk it up to relationship status. PB

[hey_missy]

relationships do not make a person happier or better in a sense. There have been some people who have changed due to being in a relationship, but you cannot expect a total personality change.

[MrsJWine]

I actually have seen this with married people.  Well, married women.  Oddly enough, I've never seen it with men.  Anyway, the excuse this time isn't that she's single.  It's that she isn't getting enough Scrabble games at home and is therefore uptight.