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Author Topic: Should we go to this party?  (Read 15385 times)

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Should we go to this party?
« on: May 10, 2007, 09:44:56 PM »
Hi there! Sorry this is so long, but the devil really is in the details.  >:D

My wife and I are trying to decide if we should attend this party, and if we do, how we should conduct ourselves. We are interested in outside opinions, in part because we want to make sure we're not just party-poopers before we say or do (or not-do) anything.

Some months ago, close friends of ours, we'll call them H. and B., announced they were going to Japan for a month-long vacation. Good for them, it was something they always wanted to do, and to pay for it they probably had to make a lot of day-to-day sacrifices. Like us, they don't have a lot of disposable income.

Some weeks later, we received an invite from a mutual friend. She's hosting a "going-away party" for H. and B.

We thought, that's a little odd. Aren't going-away parties something you do for someone who's moving away, or going for an extended period? Shouldn't the duration of the trip at least be longer than the regular interval between when anyone sees them socially? They've been actively reclusive lately.
So where is the line between saying "hey, have a nice trip"; and throwing a full-blown party in their honour?  Some might say "any excuse for a party", but considering we had to change our plans to attend, we think the excuse should be pretty good.

Ultimately,  and we're stretching here on their behalf, we decided that we are not locally-raised and maybe "Happy Vacation" parties are some local thing we haven't encountered yet, so we'll go to this party, say "hey, have a nice trip", make the rounds, and discretely leave. 

So we RSVP'd. And then it got worse.

First we received an email announcing there would be a donation jar at the party. So H. and B. would have a bit of spending money on their vacation.  Whatever.

Next, we received word there would be a silent auction at the party, proceeds to the H. and B.'s trip.  I thought, what is this, some kind of "vacation shower"?

Then, a request for items donated to the silent auction.

After that, a reminder that the event is both a potluck and BYOB. We have to feed ourselves as well.

Then, a second and third request for items for the silent auction. And additional reminders to bring money.

At this point my wife and I are insulted, appalled, offended.

I thought, surely, if H. and B. knew that the hostess was behaving this crassly, they'd put a stop to it?
Next email: At B's suggestion, the hostess emails out a map with all the nearby bank machines marked on it!!!

Looking back now, we see little else in any of these emails besides, come and hang out, bring money, bring your own food and drink, and bring more money. Not so much as a loot bag to tempt us to attend this cash grab.

So, party's this saturday... Do we go? Do we walk in the door, go right up to B and H and give them our warmest wishes for a great trip, then leave? Do we tell them that the hostess offended us? We don't want to be thought of as party-poopers, or bad friends. But one thing we won't do, is donate a single penny. Ironically, if we'd been invited to this party, and had never received these offensive emails, and there was a donation jar sitting quietly on the table, I'd have probably thrown in some money.

I'm interested to hear people's thoughts on this one.


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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2007, 09:56:57 PM »
IMHO, this is beyond tacky and I would NOT attend. 


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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2007, 10:17:45 PM »
 >:D Maybe they could do a car wash to raise the funds for their vacay  >:D
My inner (r-word) is having a field day with this one.
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  • Guest
Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2007, 10:24:04 PM »
I don't think I would even go.  I might email ahead of time since you've already RSVP'd.  Frankly, I think you get an out for breaking your RSVP considering their behaviour.

And for your reference, the only going away parties I have ever been to are when people move away or something like that.  And I've never seen any money jars or any of that nonesense.


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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2007, 11:05:51 PM »

It's not a party, it's a fundraiser.

Therefore, you were invited under false pretenses, and breaking the commitment to attend would not be rude.


  • Guest
Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2007, 11:46:40 PM »
Although I normally hate this excuse I think that this might be the perfect time for a "sick headache". I mean it's not like they will be out buying food and drinks based on the guest list or anything.

If, for some reason, you find yourself attending this fundraiser party please give us an update  ;D


  • Guest
Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2007, 12:22:40 AM »
I'm the type of person that would go just to see how it turns out. However, I'm also the type of person that rubbernecks at crash sites. I definitely would not give up one red penny. On the other hand, if you have any old junk that you've been meaning to get rid of, now you have somebody willing to make it their headache. Then again, some people have accused me of being evil about stuff like that.


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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2007, 04:34:27 AM »
I have heard people talking about vacation showers on this site before and everyone seems to think thy are tacky. I have heard of going away parties for people who are emigrating or going to work away for a few years but this is ridiculous! As for emailing people where the cash machines are, Ive never heard anything quite like it! No, I wouldnt go.


  • Guest
Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2007, 05:46:53 AM »
Eep! I'm sorry but it's not your job to fund someone else's holiday. I'd suggest going if you could just bring a dessert or somethign and enjoy yourself, but it sounds to me that it would be very uncomfortable for all concerned.

I'd go back to your original plans and, if you feel brave, tell H and B why you're upset. I can't believe you're the only guests who don't like the idea and I think it's better to tell them than have them the only people at their party.


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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2007, 06:13:31 AM »
Call and tell them something's come up and you can't come. I wouldn't bother with explanations - anyone this bold isn't ever going to see anything wrong with this.

(>:D EvilKewpie is just dying for you to ask them what happened to the money they'd saved to go on vacation.)
I am so a lady. And if you say I'm not, I'll slug you. - Cindy Brady


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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2007, 06:14:07 AM »

Do you think H and B know about this?

Is your mutual friend trying to score points with them, at your expense?

Use the money to take your wife out to dinner.


  • Guest
Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2007, 08:00:32 AM »
A "bon voyage" party is not a faux pas.

The fundraising is.

RSVP with regrets.

Bob Ducca

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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2007, 08:15:55 AM »
You get a pass for not attending, even though you have already RSVP'd that you would be.  I agree that the invitation was issued under false pretenses.  This isn't a party- clearly there is no host, since it is pot luck and BYOB, and you are being asked to bring cash for donations...

I have to stop.  If you decide to go, please tell us all about it, but there's no way I would even consider attending.



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Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2007, 10:09:15 AM »
I just reread it and realized B was the one pointing out the ATM's.

Apparently she doesn't trust you to write a check.

Oh good grief!


  • Guest
Re: Should we go to this party?
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2007, 10:09:42 AM »
the original party is not so odd - I once threw a "going away" luau (sp) party for a friend.  She was gong to Hawaii for a month and I wanted an excuse to throw a party.  So I got Hawaiian decor, made some tropical drinks, a friend made a Hawaiian songs mix cd, everyone wore "island attaire" and I gave out lei's & flower hair combs and i served pineapple pork, etc.  A good time was had by all.

Of course the difference here is that, I hosted it - I provided drinks & food & and the little detail stuff (like lei's, etc).  Sure people brought stuff (liquor, food, etc) but not because they had to, simply because that's what many of my friends tend to do.

What you were invited to is a fundraiser.  Which is kinda tacky to begin with, that it's being guised as a "party" is appalling.

If I were you, I'd go with an envelope with a note of well wishing (and maybe if you can find on the internet some cool ideas, customs, places of interest, etc about the places they are visiting in Japan).  When you get to the party, drop the envelope in the donation jar.  This way you very publically have in fact contributed, you simply haven't contributed money.