Christmas is on Monday, we'd kinda like to know

[nowhere]

Last week, SIL told us she was definitely coming.  When I spoke to my friend (Flake) in November, she said she was also definitely making it and was checking for flights at the time of our conversation.  Normally, DH and I would take these yes's as just that, but SIL and Flake have cancelled before with little or no notice.  For example, this past Labor Day Weekend SIL said she was to be expected on a Monday but changed her mind by Wednesday.  Flake, well, she is just as I have nicknamed her and may most likely just not show up; however, she has been known to surprise us every now and then.   

DH and I have left each of them one email and one phone call message last weekend, but SIL and Flake seem to be on Casper status.

There are things that need to be planned, such as Christmas dinner and airport transportation.  SIL is a vegetarian.  DH and I were thinking of making all side dishes vegetarian and having two entrees (one meat and one vegetarian).  We'll also have to prepare more food in case it turns out to be dinner for three or four rather than just for two.  As for the airport thing, that's a bit more complicated and time consuming - we're splitting our time for the holidays between our country house and our city apartment (full-time residence).  We don't mind picking them up or dropping them off at the airport and we've already told them when we're staying at which place and what airports would be more convenient for each case, so it would be great if they paid attention to our prefences when booking their flights.  SIL's stay is easier to gauge as she said she was intending to visit through the weekend and leave before New Year's, but Flake said she was working Christmas Eve swing-shift and would take a flight after...meaning the earliest she could show up is on Christmas Day and expect to be picked up right then and there.  Of course, we could confirm all this if only these people would come out of hiding. 

We want to be accommodating, but there's only so much we can do. (BTW, DH told me to give up on Flake and he'll give his sister another call today)

     

[ShadesOfGrey]

go by what they told you.  If they said, yes, I'll be there, then call and in your message, dont ask if they are coming. Simply say "I need to make arrangements by X time.  If I dont hear from you by then, I will assume this means you have make your own arrangements.  Cant wait to see you."  If she calls from the airport looking for a ride, give her the number to a cab company (dont pay!).  If SIL shows up (unexpectedly), say "Great to see you"  If she comments that is no food she can eat, say  "Oh, I am sorry, we didnt know if you were coming, and didnt prepare anything special.  There's some milk, cheese and bread in the fridge, would you like some of that?"

plain and simple. (ok, now I wish there was a devil emotion - I swear I saw one posted once....!)

[NOVA Lady]

Oh how annoying.

Me and my SO are piggies and love love love leftovers. We would probably cook for the 4 and then eat it up for a few days if it ended up being just us two.

I like the other poster's suggestion. Give them a final call/email/however you communicate best with them letting them know you're looking forward to seeing them. If they don't correct you, and then don't show up....maybe the invitation wont be extended next year?

[nowhere]

We're going to plan as if SIL is showing up.  DH did try to call last night and left a message with one of her roommmates (couldn't say anything more than call your brother).  I can't really not extend any future  invitations to her, as I have just married into this family and have already breached etiquette with the IL's (I didn't know it was rude to offer a fully-paid hotel stay across the street from your apartment thinking it would be better accommodations for the parents than to squeeze four adults and one puppy into an almost 650 sq ft jr one bedroom).

As far as Flake is concerned, she's out of the picture.  I don't think I'll go out of my way to maintain this friendship any further.

Thanks for your replies. 

[Lisbeth]

You didn't breach etiquette with your ILs; they breached it with you by griping about your not having room for them in your apartment.  That was rude.  I wouldn't expect to stay at someone's one-bedroom apartment.  So if you don't extend invitations to your SIL anymore, that's your privilege.  She may not like it, but it isn't rude.

As for Flake, it sounds to me like ending your friendship with her is the best thing you can do.

[nowhere]

You didn't breach etiquette with your ILs; they breached it with you by griping about your not having room for them in your apartment.

As I understand it, they expected to stay with us in the apartment and didn't mind the close quarters.  They felt our offer of the hotel was our way of saying we didn't want to be around them.

[Lisbeth]

They weren't entitled to stay with you. No guest has the right to expect the host to put them up, especially if it results in cramped space.  Staying at a hotel is not an indication that the host doesn't want to see the guest.

This is another topic that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

[Gileswench]

They weren't entitled to stay with you. No guest has the right to expect the host to put them up, especially if it results in cramped space.  Staying at a hotel is not an indication that the host doesn't want to see the guest.

So very with you, Keenreader!

Topic: people who refuse to confirm plans that involve others making special arrangements really frosts me. I agree with the poster who suggested not making special arrangements for people who can't be bothered to answer a simple question of when they can be expected to show up. Yes, it's up to the host to provide such amenities as are reasonable and possible, but one cannot be prepared for special situations (particular dietary needs, sleeping arrangements, availability for entertainment purposes) if plans are not confirmed.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Topic: people who refuse to confirm plans that involve others making special arrangements really frosts me. I agree with the poster who suggested not making special arrangements for people who can't be bothered to answer a simple question of when they can be expected to show up. Yes, it's up to the host to provide such amenities as are reasonable and possible, but one cannot be prepared for special situations (particular dietary needs, sleeping arrangements, availability for entertainment purposes) if plans are not confirmed.

I agree with this, but what also aggravates me is people who dont lay out their expectations and follow through on them.  Like saying, "I need to know by XXX time, otherwise, I am afraid it will be too short notice for me to make arrangements (with a babysitter, to borroy DH's car, to be able to cook, clean, entertain, AND pick you up from the airport, etc)"  A simple "Do you know when XXX?" and if they person says "no", DONT LEAVE IT OPEN ENDED (eg. "let me know as soon as you know") Well, what if they dont know until the day that they need you?  Then I think it is just as bad on the person that didnt nail something down or let the requestor know her own limitations. 

PS this is not a commentary on this thread/the OP, but over and over you (general) see and hear people complaining about stuff like this, and the only response I can really muster is "Did you tell XXX your expectations or limitations (as in, why would they be so rude if they knew that you couldnt drop everything to accomodate them?)?" And if they say no, I just cant bring myself to muster much sympathy...

  maybe I am just not as nice as I thought I was 

[Gileswench]

That's an excellent point, rdge. I do agree that full communication both ways is important.

[nowhere]

I agree with this, but what also aggravates me is people who dont lay out their expectations and follow through on them.  Like saying, "I need to know by XXX time, otherwise, I am afraid it will be too short notice for me to make arrangements (with a babysitter, to borroy DH's car, to be able to cook, clean, entertain, AND pick you up from the airport, etc)"  A simple "Do you know when XXX?" and if they person says "no", DONT LEAVE IT OPEN ENDED (eg. "let me know as soon as you know") Well, what if they dont know until the day that they need you?  Then I think it is just as bad on the person that didnt nail something down or let the requestor know her own limitations. 

PS this is not a commentary on this thread/the OP, but over and over you (general) see and hear people complaining about stuff like this, and the only response I can really muster is "Did you tell XXX your expectations or limitations (as in, why would they be so rude if they knew that you couldnt drop everything to accomodate them?)?" And if they say no, I just cant bring myself to muster much sympathy...

I see your point and completely agree.  I automatically take into consideration to RSVP or get back to someone without having to be told to do so.  I realize others don't, so I make known specific dates as to when I expect firm answers.  I had made exceptions for these two...but have put my foot down with SIL when she finally called us.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I see your point and completely agree.  I automatically take into consideration to RSVP or get back to someone without having to be told to do so.  I realize others don't, so I make known specific dates as to when I expect firm answers.  I had made exceptions for these two...but have put my foot down with SIL when she finally called us.

hehehe - well good for you for being firm.  Sometimes, no matter how specific or firm we are, there are still those that will foil our best laid plans...

good luck with your holiday celebrations!

[Gileswench]

I'm curious, rexmommy. Did they show or not?