Divorcing Parents of Adult Children

[zora19]

Hi everyone! I haven't been around much the past week or so but I really needed to vent about something.  In the past few years DH and I have had a few (maybe 4 or so) friends whose parents have gotten divorced.  In all of these cases, the divorcing parents had only grown children who had moved out of the house.  I understand that the three years after all the children have grown up and moved out are one of the most common times that couples get divorced, but what I don't understand is the way these divorcing couples are handling the situation.  It's as if they think that, because their kids are adults, they shouldn't have any issues with their parents splitting up.  Some of these divorcing parents have done things to their children that I actually can't believe. The highlites (or lowlites) include:

1. In one couple, a father who decided that he'd been unhappy in the marriage for years and couldn't stay married now that the kids were gone, but that it was too painful for him to deal with around his kids.  So he up and moved. To another country, halfway across the world.  He's basically stopped keeping on contact with his kids, so their loving father of three decades has run off and they literally don't know how to reach him.

2. In another couple, the mother decided that, after the divorce, she would move to a totally new city where she new no one and live with her college aged children. So their rent money was paying for their mother to move in and spend all her time complaining about their father.

3. Another couple who didn't bother to keep their children in the loop about what was going on, stated only that they were "having some problems but are trying to work on it" until Thanksgiving morning, when one of the parents called their daughter and asked if, after lunch, daughter could give her a ride to the other parents house, so that they could sign the divorce papers. 

I just can't believe these people.  I feel like, if their kids were 10, or even 15, they would be behaving totally differently and would take the appropriate steps to reduce the trauma on their children.  I don't know why they won't do the same thing here, but it's just awful.  I feel terrible for my friends.

Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry to be such a downer. 

[Scritzy]

Since my parents split up four months after my 24th birthday (and five months after I had moved out on my own), I can tell you right now that adult children most definitely have issues after their parents split. I'd like to see a study done regarding how many of us went into therapy after it happened.

My mother was horrified that I was moving out. She kept saying that it was "abnormal" for me to want to live on my own. I had been working full-time for quite a while, and since I was still treated like a five-year-old, I couldn't wait to get away from home. Shortly before my move, Mother started complaining about my father, saying, "Now that you are going away and Sissie is in college [she still lived at home], I'm just going to divorce him. I'm fed up with him."

Well, surprise. The week before Christmas and two weeks before my move, Mother's jealousy got out of control, and she made Sissie drive her to Daddy's office one Saturday while I was out. I don't know what happened, because neither my mother nor sister would ever talk about it. But after that day, my father stopped speaking to my mother altogether. My last Christmas at home was horrible. And then Daddy left her and beat her to the punch with the divorce.

To this day, my mother tells everyone, "He divorced me. I would never have done such a thing." She is always the injured party and is 100 percent innocent. Horse hockey. To top it off, Mother implied that my moving out was the cause of the divorce. How's that for trying to shovel a rockload of guilt?

My parents had a corrosive marriage and had considered splitting up years before it finally happened. In a way, I'm glad it didn't happen until I was grown, otherwise I might have been raised exclusively by my mother. My father was pretty much a "ghost parent" except for screaming at me, but sometimes he did take my side in my arguments with Mother.

But did their divorce mess me up? It sure did. It didn't do my sister much good, either. To this day she refuses to acknowledge that my father's side of the family even existed.

*SIGH*

[Venus193]

I don't get this, either.  Of course, there are those who point at other creatures in the world who push their offspring out of the nest / den / territory and never see them again.  But as human beings we are supposed to be better than that.

I can't imagine what goes through the head of a parent who does the sorts of things in Zora's post.  Are these people who so lack emotion they forget that other people don't?  More likely narcissism causes this behavior and had a major role in the breakdown of the marriage.

Parents who complain about their exes to their children -- regardless of the age of the children -- are being selfish and destructive.  They are breaching boundaries that should be sacred. 

The ones who run off aren't accomplishing anything except their own avoidance of responsibility.  If their adult children were close enough to the situation, they know that all is not perfect between their parents.  Whom do they think they're fooling?

[LifeOnPluto]

I guess the 'Empty Nest" syndrome hits some people hard. I think a lot of parents put so much energy and focus into raising their kids that they neglect their relationship with each other. Then, when the kids are grown and move out, there is an enormous void and they can no longer relate to each other alone.

Also, when most adult children move out, their parents are in their 40s and 50s... a classic time for mid-life crises.

In relation to the OP's examples:

1) I really hope the father realises he misses his kids, and comes back home (or gets in contact with them). If he was really a "loving father of 3 decades", hopefully he'll realise he wants them in his life.

2) The college-aged children should not allow their mother to sponge off them. If she intends to stay with them for a long time, they should at least encourage her to get a job, or apply for benefits so she can help pay the rent. Also, they would be within their rights to forbid her from bad-mouthing their father in their house.

3) Definitely a tacky way to handle things. The only possible reason I can think why the parents didn't tell their children they were getting a divorce, is because they didn't want to hurt their children or involve them in their battles. But it was NOT nice of the parent just to spring it on the daughter like that.

Both my brother and I moved out of home last year. Luckily, my parents have managed to keep the bond between them as strong as ever. Watching them interact, I'm 99.9% sure they won't ever get divorced!

[Scritzy]

I think a lot of parents put so much energy and focus into raising their kids that they neglect their relationship with each other. Then, when the kids are grown and move out, there is an enormous void and they can no longer relate to each other alone.

You hit the nail on the head there. Mother was absolutely obsessed by Sissie and me, refusing invitations that didn't include us, never allowing us to be left with a babysitter (not even with our own grandmothers, for crying out loud!), never having any "just-us" time with my father. All Mother ever wanted to be was a mother. She never really thought about what it meant to be a wife. She had no other identity than "mommy," and when she was divorced and I suggested she should have forged a life for herself outside of Sissie and me, she self-righteously proclaimed, "There is no higher calling than motherhood!"

But the kids grow up, and if you've made no investment in the marriage, then what?

I saw it, I lived it, and it ain't pretty.

[blarg314]

I don't agree that these people would necessarily have made more of an effort if their offspring were still children - divorcing couples with young children can still spring it unexpectedly on the kids, bad mouth the other parent, be overly dependant on their children and drop out of contact.

If the parents have been staying in a rocky marriage for the sake of the children, then after the children leave home is a natural time to finally throw in the towel and split.  Similarly, if they've been totally bound up in life as a parent and have no idea how to function as a couple, they can find that they don't have much of a relationship anymore.

[Lisbeth]

All these things are so sad to read about.  (My own parents have been married since before I was born and stayed that way continuously, and I feel lucky about that because I do know people with divorced parents who went through horrible times.)

I guess some people feel pressured to stay in bad marriages "for the children's sake" and secretly feel some resentment towards their children for making them feel trapped.  That's why they act so callously when the children reach adulthood-they feel like they sacrificed the best years of their lives.

This is not to excuse in any way how these divorced people behave, because there is no excuse.  I feel that if you conceive or adopt a child, no matter what's going on in your marriage or other relationship, you have no right whatsoever to abandon or blame your children or shift all responsibility for the bad things you have been through onto them.  If you make the choice to stay in a bad relationship, it was still your choice and the consequences are yours to bear-no one else's.  Even if you can't get divorced or start a new legally, religiously, and/or socially sanctioned relationship, you are still responsible for what happened in the old one and for being a good parent to the children that resulted from it.

(Getting off my soapbox now-this topic got me riled up.  My apologies, everyone.)

[goblue2539]

I guess some people feel pressured to stay in bad marriages "for the children's sake"

My personal opinion from my experience is that this is the worst reason in the entire world to stay married.  But, that's because I can't imagine how messed up I'd be if my parents had actually stayed together. 

[Twik]

My opinions, which have no particular value:

No. 1 is just strange, and sounds like the father in question is having some sort of mental crisis, trying to "reinvent himself" and abandoning all of his previous life. Unfortunately, that includes the children. Hope he doesn't expect them to come and care for him when he breaks his hip at 80.

No. 2 - I have a sneaking suspicion that the mother in question didn't really want to be divorced (even if she agreed, or even asked for the divorce). So, she's alone - what to do? She feels closer to her children, but the kids aren't moving home to keep her company. So, she leaves her friends, and moves in with them, losing her other support systems. Older women aren't exactly hot commodities in today's society, in the job market or the romantic market, so she's not meeting a lot of new people to fill the gaps in her life. She feels the ex has ruined her life, so she complains. I can see how this is not great for the kids, but I don't think it's unusual.

No. 3 - Possibly the couple has been trying very hard to convince themselves that what they're doing really won't hurt the kids. They've been so successful at sublimating their guilt feelings that they start acting like the kids won't have any bad feelings about the divorce at all. Sort of a psychological blind spot. They inwardly feel so bad about it they must constantly pretend to themselves it's no big deal.

[Venus193]

My personal opinion from my experience is that this is the worst reason in the entire world to stay married.  But, that's because I can't imagine how messed up I'd be if my parents had actually stayed together. 

I agree.  How does it benefit a child to live with two people who do not love or respect each other or who can't be civil with each other?  This is not good behavior to model for a child.

[goblue2539]

I agree.  How does it benefit a child to live with two people who do not love or respect each other or who can't be civil with each other?  This is not good behavior to model for a child.

I actually got into an argument with someone who was trying to tell me that they should know better than I did what our family dynamics were.  Knowing that my father was just bordering on emotional abuse (never crossed the line that I know of, but it was close) and that he wanted to be the big man in charge and that he stopped talking to me when I stood up for myself and etc, etc, etc, lets me know that I was truly better off not living through that.  I hate that divorce happens, but I consider it a necessary evil. 

What the parents mentioned in the OP really need to know is that divorce has a ripple effect.  They may think they spared the kids by waiting, but they didn't.  Nothing in those families will ever be the same.  As my mom made sure to tell me, I'm her daughter whether I'm 7 or 77.  She knows that what happens to her affects me even now. 

[Scritzy]

I actually got into an argument with someone who was trying to tell me that they should know better than I did what our family dynamics were.

Remember my stupid co-worker, Jewel? She once told me I really needed to watch some sitcom, that I would really enjoy it. I told her I wasn't interested in watching the show. Her answer: "Well, you should be! It's about a dysfunctional family, and don't you come from one?"

I gave her the Glare of Death^TM and said, "Exactly, which is why I don't want to watch one on TV!"

[goblue2539]

Her answer: "Well, you should be! It's about a dysfunctional family, and don't you come from one?"

I gave her the Glare of Death^TM and said, "Exactly, which is why I don't want to watch one on TV!"

Gee, cause I totally want to watch my life play out on the screen every week.  I can't believe you turned that one down!   

Some people are so incredibly dumb.

[HogwartsAlum]

I guess the 'Empty Nest" syndrome hits some people hard. I think a lot of parents put so much energy and focus into raising their kids that they neglect their relationship with each other. Then, when the kids are grown and move out, there is an enormous void and they can no longer relate to each other alone.

I think you hit the nail on the head here, especially for those so-called "helicopter" parents who make their children the center of their world.  People tend to forget that the MARRIAGE (or relationship, for those parents that don't marry) is the bedrock that the family is built on.  It needs attention always.  And to give attention to your marriage is to model a strong relationship for your children.

[LadyJaneinMD]

My mother was horrified that I was moving out. She kept saying that it was "abnormal" for me to want to live on my own. I had been working full-time for quite a while, and since I was still treated like a five-year-old, I couldn't wait to get away from home. Shortly before my move, Mother started complaining about my father, saying, "Now that you are going away and Sissie is in college [she still lived at home], I'm just going to divorce him. I'm fed up with him."

Wow.  My mother had been trying to get rid of us since we graduated high school.  In fact, on the way home from my high school graduation, in the car, my mother turned around and informed me that I 'was now an unwanted moocher in HER home.'