How would you respond, if at all?

[djinnidjream]

I am hosting my IL's on Christmas Eve day this year (why do I do this to myself?).  Reading the thread on here about the brother who interferes in the kitchen made me think of my own situation.

When I host something, I do all the work.  I may ask someone to bring snacks- chips, dip etc, but for the main meal and dessert, its all me.   I enjoy cooking, and baking and rarely get a chance to make something nice, so I enjoy it.  I also do not want anyone in my kitchen while I am doing this.  I usually have everything prepared before people come over, so mostly its just setting things out and then cleaning up after.  I don't have a dishwasher, unless you count my two little hands, so I wash, dry and put everythin away myself.   I don't mind because in all honesty, I would rather hide in the kitchen then deal with my ILs (they really annoy the crap out of me). 

However, GMIL can't seem to understand that I like doing things my way when we're in my home and that I do not require any help.  The last few times I have hosted, I have had to put up with comments such as "I'll just hand this to you since I KNOW you don't want any help". Honestly, she makes me sound like an evil person because I won't let her help.  The last time, she hovered over me while I was washing the dishes and wouldn't take the hint that she was in my way.  I've let the comments about my not wanting help slide, but its beginning to drive me nuts and I really want to say something the next time she makes a comment.  I've explained to her why I don't want help- I don't feel that you should invite people over and put them to work (IMHO), plus I don't like having to constantly be interrupted to tell someone where something goes, or what needs to be done.  Its just easier for me to do.

I don't know if I'm just oversensitive to it because her personality annoys me,  but I also don't want to hurt her feelings.  Usually, if someone ticks me off or annoys me, I'm pretty direct about it , but GMIL is nice and means well, but I have NO patience for things like this.  I am also 4 months pregnant, stressed out because we're so busy at work and I'm on my last nerve. 

Actually, I guess this is more of a vent then asking advice, as I know that I need to just bite my tongue and put up with it for a few hours.  It really makes me miss MIL though, she was happy to turn over the responsibilty and take a well deserved break now and then.

[ZipTheWonder]

What would happen if you just joined everyone in the living room because you 'want to visit awhile and save the clean-up until after everyone leaves?'

[djinnidjream]

I would stab out my eye with a fork.

[sammycat]

I feel your pain as I hate people being in the kitchen with me when I am hosting as well.  They mean well, but as you say, ultimately, they really end up creating more work.  Could your husband arrange for the family to be kept occupied by playing a (board) game, watching a DVD, going for a walk or something similar, and ensure that it starts immediately after the eating ends?  Meanwhile you could just slip off into the kitchen and start cleaning up?  That way if GMIL comes into the kitchen you would have a good excuse for shooing her back to the planned activity so that she doesn't miss her turn/lose the movie plot.

If that's not possible, what about saying something along the lines of it being her turn to rest as she probably spent years hosting so now she gets to relax while someone else does all the work?

[shadowfox79]

The last time, she hovered over me while I was washing the dishes and wouldn't take the hint that she was in my way.

I'm ashamed to admit what I did to an aunt who did this to me one year...

We don't get on. She's always borrowing money off my mother and getting on my case about this and that. Anyway, I was washing up and she was practically welded to my bottom, looking over my shoulder to make sure I was doing it properly.

I'm not entirely sure how I did this, because we had had rather a lot of wine at dinner. But I knocked a fork off the drainer with my right hand and ducked right to get it while knocking a pan into the sink with my left hand. (I'm not this coordinated when I'm sober.)

She stormed back into the living room with her fringe dripping and my cousin following her insisting that it had been an accident while trying to keep a straight face.

I know it wasn't nice. But every time she rings my mother wanting a couple more thousand pounds, I remember it and smile.

[Chocolate Cake]

The easiest way to keep her out of your way is to give her a job to do.   maybe she can sit at the counter or your kitchen table chopping huge amounts of something into teeny, tiny pieces.

Or, maybe you ask her to sort something in the living room (5 decks of cards that are all mixed together) for the card games later..........

[Verruca]

Whee! My first post!

I don't know if the GMIL is too annoying to try this one, but I have a stool in a corner of my tiny tiny kitchen specifically for this type of situation.  

Guest: Let me help you!
Me: Oh, I don't need any help, but I'd love it if you keep me company.  There's a seat over there.  So are you planning anything for New Year?

I find that keeping the guest busy with small talk doesn't give them time to want to get too involved with the chores.

[Clara Bow]

Ummmm, are you me? Am I having some out of body posting experience? Either that or you have the same stepmother in law that I do...and that means you're married to my BIL and believe me, that will give you bigger problems than a nut in your kitchen!!!
I think I would play off that I was neurotic about people in the kitchen, tell her it makes you nervous (self-deprecating tone here) and that you'll be right out to visit with her. Then visit with her, talk to her about something you know she'll enjoy.

[hollasa]

I'm the same way as you, and my MIL the same way as your GMIL.

I try to think of it as a cultural difference, that has lead to a number of misunderstandings. Taking the Jane Goodal approach to inlaw dissension... If you could give her a particular task (perhaps elsewhere?) that might work well.

Best wishes!

[djinnidjream]

Thanks for all the advice.  I think I'm going to let DH keep her busy. I just can't visit with her because she blathers on about absolutely nothing,  and half the time I can't hear her because she talks so quickly and quietly and giggles a lot- thats what drives me nuts.

[Millicent63]

I feel your pain.  When I host I generally have a vision for the sequence of events and hate well-meaning 'helpers.'

Not to defend your relatives but holiday meals in some families are seen as cooperative events where the prep/cleanup are shared tasks that create memories and inside jokes, etc., unlike the type of hosting/service one would provide at a different type of dinner party.  Not that I'm defending them, mind you, just trying to give you a little insight.  Maybe GMIL used to help her aunt in the kitchen at Christmas or something and is trying for some continuity.

Agree with the others that your best bet is to pick a task for her that strikes you as the lesser of the evils.  Could you ask her to write out some favorite recipes or something else that would shut her up?  Or just do the bare minimum clear-up and then leisurely wash the dishes when they've departed?