Author Topic: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart  (Read 609779 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Julian

  • I lost it between Thriller and Gangnam Style...
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 686
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3795 on: April 29, 2013, 03:55:18 AM »
I can't believe it's taken me so long to find this thread...  and I haven't finished reading yet, but I still have to contribute.  So here, for your grossout viewing, I present three doggy tales and a non-dog one.

The Great Second-Hand Tuna Debacle of Spring 2009

I adopted Molly, my adorable little maltese - shih tzu cross when she was just over 6 weeks old.  She was a tiny ball of fluff with button nose and teeth.  When she'd been with me two days she found the cat food, and scarfed the lot - tinned tuna.

All was well until I woke up at 1am, feeling rather - err - damp.  Molly had vomited tuna all over - over her, over me (it was in my hair!) and all over the bed.  Every bit of bed linen including the doona and pillows were covered in second-hand tuna barf.  It was gross.  So there I am, with a heaving puppy, freezing cold and stripping the bed.  No spare doona (luckily the Houseboy [housemate at the time] had a spare I found out later).  She got bathed, I got showered and fully dressed, and sat up with this poor pathetic little doggy who was still dry-heaving four hours later.

After that the cats got fed on top of the dishwasher which was in the laundry, and Molly no longer got to share my bed.  Oddly enough she still loves tuna.

There's Klingons on the starboard bow

When Molly and Suzi were tiny pups, occasionally when they pooped it got stuck on their fluffy little backsides.  Standard operating procedure was a quick trip to the laundry tub, dunk their bums under a stream of warm water to rinse out as much as possible, then dog shampoo, rinse and dry.  Nothing quite like picking up a cute puppy with a poo bum. 

Anyway one day I came home from work, got greeted by the dogs as usual, and noticed poop smell.  Suzi was nearest and youngest, so I grabbed her, straight into the laundry where she got her bum washed.  Oddly enough though there seemed to be no poo.  While I was wondering why, I could still smell it.  Then I looked down.

Yup, it wasn't Suzi - or Molly either.  I'd stepped in a ginormous Douglas turd (the giant German Shepherd next door who comes to visit), blamed Suzi needlessly and tracked Dougie Poo all through the house.  And it was all over my good boots.

Tell me about the rabbit....

The cats are loving the rural life, and this summer we've had a plague of rabbits.  The cats have decided they're fair game, so we've had to dispose of a few bunny bodies in the past few months, usually after the dogs managed to get their greedy little paws on them.

One day we'd been out all day, and the dogs had been locked in the house.  Well, one of the cats had brought a bunny in, and one of the dogs (or both) had dismembered it all over my bedroom floor.  Head here, leg there, intestines - you get the idea.  Disgusting.

Biker Barbecue

A couple of years ago I was riding my bike in to work, and I may have been following the car ahead just a tad too closely.  I realised this when he went over some roadkill and I didn't have room to swerve around it.  D'oh!  So I hit it head on - a very dead wallaby which was mostly smeared across the road, but with a sufficiently large chunk left for me to hit.

As I hit it, a goodly chunk of said wallaby hit my header pipes, which get really hot.  The chunk contained wallaby and wallaby's internal contents.

As I rode in to work, the bits of roadkill cooked on the header pipes, and the smell wafted upwards, straight into my helmet.  Roo and poo barbecue for the next 20+ kilometers.  Yes, I was dry heaving in my helmet for the rest of the trip.  Fortunately I was riding long enough to burn all of it away, as there was no stinky left-overs that afternoon on the way home.

Tini

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 64
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3796 on: April 29, 2013, 08:37:39 AM »
So there I was, grilling some steaks on a nice warm summer Sunday. We didn't finish the last rare steak, so the leftovers sat on the worktop in the kitchen for a while. When I came back in I saw some flies on it, shooed them off and realized that they'd laid eggs on the meat. What I did next probably should have earned this post a place in the 'yeah, you might not have wanted to do that' thread, but on balance I thought I should protect those with a weak stomach.

Basically I shrugged and tossed the steak in the bin. After all, rubbish day was next Thursday, what could possibly happen?

Uh-huh.

So Wednesday night I was sat in the living room reading alone, DH and my children were already asleep, and I thought I heard this weird kind of hissy noise. Very quiet, but definitely there. So I went to investigate, and yeah. The kitchen floor was a seething mass of maggots. My bin was of those tall, free-standing stainless steel jobbies with an automatic lid and (as I now know) a small gap between rim and lid. Just big enough for an enterprising maggot to fit through so they can throw themselves off into the unknown like a miniature paratrooper re-enacting the Normandy landings. They were everywhere. Halfway up the hall to the living room, scaling the stairs (I did NOT realize that those beasties can climb), covering the kitchen floor, still flinging themselves into the blue yonder from the bin... And they were so earnest and intent, they almost looked like they were pulling themselves along by their teeth (which they probably don't have, but you know what I mean), going "hngh, hngh, hngh" with the effort.

I quickly ran upstairs to warn my husband that there might be some noise (and cursing) downstairs and tackled the clear-up. I can tell you now, a Dyson vacuum cleaner is well up to the job. The clear plastic container that the dust ends up in might be a bit of a downside, but on the other hand it's quite easy to carry the whole bally lot of them down to the bottom end of the garden and tip them out there for the local blackbird population to snack on.


There's a bit of a coda to this. Months later I was having a cup of tea when I suddenly felt a lump of something hit my mouth. I thought, hang on, this is tea, not soup, and checked my cup. There were maggots in there, floating merrily in the finest Sainsbury's red label.

Or so I thought for one brief, mildly disgusted moment (I'm not very squeamish). Then I had a closer look, and although the size, colour and shape were close, it wasn't maggots. Turns out that when last I'd made rice I was in a bit of a rush. I'd measured the rice with my plastic measuring cups and then measured the water with the same cup and poured it in the electric kettle to start the rice off on the cooker with boiling water from said kettle. Some rice grains must have clung to the plastic and then ended up in there.

At least the maggot invasion hadn't come back.

Feel free to mock me.

Mental Magpie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4839
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3797 on: April 29, 2013, 09:35:40 AM »
Julian, we call doggy poo on fluffy rear ends "Poopy Pants"; the long fluffy fur on their back legs are pants, you see, so any time something gets stuck there..."She's got a pinecone in her pants!"

Tini, I would have to have taken a picture of the maggot carpet.  That's just so...cool!
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Tini

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 64
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3798 on: April 29, 2013, 12:33:03 PM »
Mental Magpie, I should have - you can probably tell my age by the fact my first thought wasn't "must preserve this for online distribution" :-).

Mental Magpie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4839
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3799 on: April 29, 2013, 12:35:20 PM »
Mental Magpie, I should have - you can probably tell my age by the fact my first thought wasn't "must preserve this for online distribution" :-).

I would want it just for the story telling!  At the tender age of 10, I had my mom take a picture of an infected blister on the bank of my ankle.  It was so pretty and full of colors I just had to have a picture!  I grossed out so many people with that picture but I lost it a few months later.  Still wish I had a picture of it.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Tini

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 64
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3800 on: April 29, 2013, 12:48:21 PM »
Ha, I've done that with an enormous bruise on my right arm from when I first tried out archery. It covered the entire inside of my right forearm and turned the most amazing purply-yellow. I still got that photo somewhere. I felt like a five-year-old, proudly showing off my enormous owie.

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12309
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3801 on: April 29, 2013, 02:52:48 PM »
Ha, I've done that with an enormous bruise on my right arm from when I first tried out archery. It covered the entire inside of my right forearm and turned the most amazing purply-yellow. I still got that photo somewhere. I felt like a five-year-old, proudly showing off my enormous owie.

Ah - yes - I've had that one, too.  Summers I was 13 and 14, as I recall.  HUGE bruise.....
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Snooks

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2281
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3802 on: April 29, 2013, 03:45:18 PM »
Last time I logged onto my online photo album the picture of the giant blocked pore in my ear was the cover photo.  I'd love another one of those but apparently the hole has closed up now so it's unlikely I'll get another one that bad.

Mental Magpie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4839
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3803 on: April 29, 2013, 05:28:42 PM »
Last time I logged onto my online photo album the picture of the giant blocked pore in my ear was the cover photo.  I'd love another one of those but apparently the hole has closed up now so it's unlikely I'll get another one that bad.

Somehow, that's almost disappointing.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Julian

  • I lost it between Thriller and Gangnam Style...
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 686
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3804 on: April 29, 2013, 07:01:00 PM »
Julian, we call doggy poo on fluffy rear ends "Poopy Pants"; the long fluffy fur on their back legs are pants, you see, so any time something gets stuck there..."She's got a pinecone in her pants!"

Hehe, pinecone!   ;D

These days there's more dog than fluff and they get trimmed regularly - no more poopy pants, although they more than make up for it elsewhere.

I forgot one.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Suzi likes to eat unpleasant things.  She's brought home big clumps of horse poo, and has been known to snack on the contents of the litter box.  Ewww.  Usually I only find out what she's been up to when she hops up for cuddles and licks my face.  Double ewwww. 

Fortunately she seems to have grown out of that.  I've dog-proofed the yard so she can't get to the horse stuff, and now my dear old Milly has passed on there's no need for a litter tray (Salem and Morty are happy going outside.)  So there's much less chance of her finding stray poop anywhere.

Living with dogs has been a huge learning curve.

CrochetFanatic

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 805
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3805 on: April 29, 2013, 08:31:30 PM »
The dog's flatulence just chased my brother and I out of the room.  Smelled like someone opened a jar of pickled eggs in the middle of a skunk den.

Mental Magpie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4839
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3806 on: April 29, 2013, 09:37:44 PM »
Julian, we call doggy poo on fluffy rear ends "Poopy Pants"; the long fluffy fur on their back legs are pants, you see, so any time something gets stuck there..."She's got a pinecone in her pants!"

Hehe, pinecone!   ;D

These days there's more dog than fluff and they get trimmed regularly - no more poopy pants, although they more than make up for it elsewhere.

I forgot one.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Suzi likes to eat unpleasant things.  She's brought home big clumps of horse poo, and has been known to snack on the contents of the litter box.  Ewww.  Usually I only find out what she's been up to when she hops up for cuddles and licks my face.  Double ewwww. 

Fortunately she seems to have grown out of that.  I've dog-proofed the yard so she can't get to the horse stuff, and now my dear old Milly has passed on there's no need for a litter tray (Salem and Morty are happy going outside.)  So there's much less chance of her finding stray poop anywhere.

Living with dogs has been a huge learning curve.

I hate finding that out the hard way...or like when a dog has rolled in a cow pie and you don't figure it out until they're up on the couch next to you, or worse, in bed.


She seriously did have a pinecone stuck in her pants; it was about the size of an oblong baseball.  We only noticed because she tried to sit then jump right back up, looking at her pants like, "What is going on there?!"
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12309
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3807 on: April 29, 2013, 10:18:41 PM »
I don't know what kind of rodent is making the puddle of decomp that I smell....but the downstairs is rapidly getting gross.  The guys can't smell it or refuse to admit that they do so they don't have to join the cleanup efforts...I'm not sure which.

Any one want to play "Find The Puddle"?
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

diesel_darlin

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1026
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3808 on: April 29, 2013, 10:21:05 PM »
I am sitting in my living room. My girl cat goes down the hallway and all of a sudden I hear something that sounds like water running. I get up and my cat goes tearing down the hallway. Why she decided to pee in my hallway I will never know.  >:(

Julian

  • I lost it between Thriller and Gangnam Style...
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 686
Re: Gross out-- Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3809 on: April 29, 2013, 11:05:08 PM »
I hate finding that out the hard way...or like when a dog has rolled in a cow pie and you don't figure it out until they're up on the couch next to you, or worse, in bed.


She seriously did have a pinecone stuck in her pants; it was about the size of an oblong baseball.  We only noticed because she tried to sit then jump right back up, looking at her pants like, "What is going on there?!"

Poor doggy!  It can't have been comfortable (or pleasant!)

Talking of cow pies...  the new gate had a large puddle under it, which just wouldn't drain.  Well, we had a dry summer and it did eventually evaporate.  The dogs got out under it one day, which I only found out by accident (a visitor had left, forgotten something and came back, while I was passing it to her Suzi came trotting down the road).  Molly followed soon after - and my little grey and white fluffball was green.  Fresh cow pie all over her.  She knew she'd done wrong as soon as she saw me, and tried to rub it off on the grass.  That didn't work, and she got a bath for her troubles.  Molly hates baths.   >:D

(I ended up wiring plastic garden edging to the bottom of the gate like a mudflap.  Last week I finally had the driveway graded and regravelled, so no more mudflap needed.  And NO room for wriggly doggy escapes.)