Used This One On DH and His Family

[kudeebee]

Your inlaws may be crazy, but you have a dh problem.

He and you are a unit, you should be spending the holidays together.  You go to your parents for Thanksgiving.  He answers the phone one time when ils call and tell them "Happy Thanksgiving" and "No it isn't possible for us to come."  Then when they call again, he does. not.answer.

Christmas eve is with his family--you determine together how long to stay.  Morning is the two of you and dinner with your parents.  Same scenario with phones.

Until your dh gets on your side, it will not get better!

[ShadowLady]

I think I would be inclined to take DH's phone from him, and then leave it in the car, or put it upstairs in a dresser where you won't hear it. 

Definitely I would not let the in-laws wreck the day for me.  Your IL's make me grateful for DH's family.

[KitFox]

I appreciate all the advice, folks. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it if he says he's going and then doesn't, but for right now, I'm taking the route of "my family is just as important to me as yours is to you, so it will not be possible for me to give up all my family time in exchange for spending time with yours."

[Sabbyfrog2]

I appreciate all the advice, folks. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it if he says he's going and then doesn't, but for right now, I'm taking the route of "my family is just as important to me as yours is to you, so it will not be possible for me to give up all my family time in exchange for spending time with yours."

I applaud you for sticking to your guns. I have read some of the other posts about your In law "family" and think you are a trooper. I wish your DH would get on your side 100% but for the time being, I think your current course is effective. ((HUGS))

[Aeris]

I appreciate all the advice, folks. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it if he says he's going and then doesn't, but for right now, I'm taking the route of "my family is just as important to me as yours is to you, so it will not be possible for me to give up all my family time in exchange for spending time with yours."

I would really like to know how your DH justifies this! Have you flat out asked him (requiring him to actually articulate) why he thinks that his family is so much more important than yours? Why all the myriad things he says about faaaaaaamily only apply to HIS family, and don't apply to YOUR family?

[KitFox]

I applaud you for sticking to your guns. I have read some of the other posts about your In law "family" and think you are a trooper. I wish your DH would get on your side 100% but for the time being, I think your current course is effective. ((HUGS))

Thanks, but I'm no trouper. I feel like throwing a Nichol-style temper tantrum sometimes. *STOMP STOMP STOMP*

I would really like to know how your DH justifies this! Have you flat out asked him (requiring him to actually articulate) why he thinks that his family is so much more important than yours? Why all the myriad things he says about faaaaaaamily only apply to HIS family, and don't apply to YOUR family?

Every time I try to ask him, he tells me that it's not that he thinks his family is more important, it's that we never spend time with his family, we see my parents more often and so on. Basically, one of his relatives calls him up and guilt-trips him, and he repeats whatever they said to him back to me. If I argue the point, it becomes a fight about me not liking his family.
Also, my family doesn't browbeat him if he doesn't come to see them. So, he is appeasing the obnoxious family, squeaky wheel and so forth.

[wolfie]

Every time I try to ask him, he tells me that it\'s not that he thinks his family is more important, it\'s that we never spend time with his family, we see my parents more often and so on. Basically, one of his relatives calls him up and guilt-trips him, and he repeats whatever they said to him back to me. If I argue the point, it becomes a fight about me not liking his family.
Also, my family doesn\'t browbeat him if he doesn\'t come to see them. So, he is appeasing the obnoxious family, squeaky wheel and so forth.

Can you write down when you visit with each family on a calender? It\'s really hard to argue you never visit his family when 28 out of 30 days are marked visited DH\'s family!

[Asharah]

I wonder what would happen if next time you were accused of hating DH's family, you just agree with them. "Right, can't stand the whole bunch of nagging, whining PITAs and it would be fine with me if we moved to the opposite side of the country and never saw any of them again!" 

[geordicat]

*snip*

GMIL/FIL: "If you loved us, you'd come down!"
Me: *stifling laughter* "I'm sorry that you're disappointed, but it's not going to happen."

*end snip*

To which I'd reply "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it's yours.  If it doesn't, it never was"

[Asharah]

*snip*

GMIL/FIL: "If you loved us, you'd come down!"
Me: *stifling laughter* "I'm sorry that you're disappointed, but it's not going to happen."

*end snip*

To which I'd reply "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it's yours.  If it doesn't, it never was"

But if it just hangs around eating your food, leaving a trail of dirty laundry and borrowing money from you, you must have given birth to it. 

[CuriousParty]

*snip*

GMIL/FIL: "If you loved us, you'd come down!"
Me: *stifling laughter* "I'm sorry that you're disappointed, but it's not going to happen."

*end snip*

To which I'd reply "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it's yours.  If it doesn't, it never was"

But if it just hangs around eating your food, leaving a trail of dirty laundry and borrowing money from you, you must have given birth to it. 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[PaddedPaws]

You did a great job, KitFox! You can't make other people value your parents as much as you do. However, you certainly can ensure that you behave in a way that values them and respects their needs, and that's what you've done.

[Lisbeth]

Good for you, KitFox!

I'm sorry that your DH is not more respectful of your need to spend time with your family.  I agree with the PP who says that this is more of a problem with him than with his family's failure to respect your need to not split the holidays and show up at their homes on command.

I hope you are able to find a way to drive that message home to your DH-maybe couples counseling is in order, although you would have to convince your DH that it's necessary.  Even with it, I think you just have to stand your ground sometimes and give concessions at others-and you did a great job of it here.

[weeblewobble]

I am in awe! Awe, I say!

It is absolutely amazing to me that some in-laws can not process the idea that there are OTHER families out there.  And that if they insist on having their FAAAAMILY together all day, no exceptions, then other families are going to miss out.

I agree that DH needs to just put his phone away. He knows what FIL is going to pull. You keep the phone, let it go to voicemail and then YOU check the messages.  It will keep DH from having a "panic response" when he hears his dad's whining.

You're doing great with the "I made a promise to my mother and I'm going to keep it." statements. It's very difficult for them to argue with that without sounding like jerks.  But I wouldn't get into my a "who's relative is sicker/could be on their last Christmas" debate, because that could go on forever.

Keep up the good work!

[penguinpants]

In response to the side concern . . . if DH comes home with tags from the name-draw, would it be possible to say, "O.K., fine -- but no dipping in to our money for this.  Period."  It has to come from extra hours at work, selling off *HIS* items (not items you mutually use or enjoy), a second job, whatever.  And if he gets into a bind, no worries!  He got himself into it, and he can get himself out. 

Would that be possible, or are there too many ways for that to go wrong?