Used This One On DH and His Family

[KitFox]

In response to the side concern . . . if DH comes home with tags from the name-draw, would it be possible to say, "O.K., fine -- but no dipping in to our money for this.  Period."  It has to come from extra hours at work, selling off *HIS* items (not items you mutually use or enjoy), a second job, whatever.  And if he gets into a bind, no worries!  He got himself into it, and he can get himself out. 

Would that be possible, or are there too many ways for that to go wrong?

Well...he doesn't have a job and isn't doing too well in the search for one.... Also, if he does do this and breaks our agreement, I just don't see him turning around and keeping another one, arguably harder than the first. It's a nice thought, though!

[matf]

KitFox, I have no advice, but lots of admiration. You're being firm and STILL polite. (Despite what your ILs think. Phooey on them!)

And one great phrase you might consider with your husband: "It's not a competition. I can love people lots and see them only once a year."

My SIL has this issue with her in-laws. She has to make sure that whatever time she spends with her family is equally balanced with time with his family. There are complex negotiations about who gets what day -- and they have to be EXACTLY even. Which puts a burden on all three parties. My suggestion: don't get into that -- it can only lead to bad things. Do you really want to have to account for each time you visit your parents and give the exact same amount of time to your in-laws?

Remember -- "It's not a competition."

Good luck!!

[Asharah]

Any updates? 

[KitFox]

Any updates? 

Well, we went to my folks' house for T-Day. DH kept his phone off, and if they called, he didn't tell me later. Still don't know anything about the name draw thing, but Hubby is saying we won't participate, so...so far so good! It's been kind of a good week.

[Danismom]

WTG Hubby!!  I agreed with those who were saying that while your inlaws may be loopier than a pack of loons, your biggest problem was DH.  Judeo-Christian weddings usually include some phrasing about leaving your father and mother and "cleaving" to your new spouse.  Whatever your religious background, I'm thinking the concept pretty much applies.  You have to prioritize and frankly you can't hold spouse and parents equally important.  You are his wife, you are right, and frankly, you are the one that he shares happy time with.  He needs to remember who he wants to please the most and that better be the woman who sleeps beside him at night!!

[hobish]

Any updates? 

Well, we went to my folks' house for T-Day. DH kept his phone off, and if they called, he didn't tell me later. Still don't know anything about the name draw thing, but Hubby is saying we won't participate, so...so far so good! It's been kind of a good week.

Hey, that's great!

[Azrail]

Any updates? 

Well, we went to my folks' house for T-Day. DH kept his phone off, and if they called, he didn't tell me later. Still don't know anything about the name draw thing, but Hubby is saying we won't participate, so...so far so good! It's been kind of a good week.

Yay! I'm so glad! I know exactly what you're going through. Although as a Muslim I don't celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving, my MIL has been monopolising Bayram for the last two and a half years (and I have been letting her get away with it). The funny thing is that this religious holiday is about visiting all the family, but no, she wants us all to herself. I too, will be reclaiming holidays!

[KitFox]

Any updates? 

Well, we went to my folks' house for T-Day. DH kept his phone off, and if they called, he didn't tell me later. Still don't know anything about the name draw thing, but Hubby is saying we won't participate, so...so far so good! It's been kind of a good week.

Yay! I'm so glad! I know exactly what you're going through. Although as a Muslim I don't celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving, my MIL has been monopolising Bayram for the last two and a half years (and I have been letting her get away with it). The funny thing is that this religious holiday is about visiting all the family, but no, she wants us all to herself. I too, will be reclaiming holidays!

Good for you! Please let us know how your efforts go!

[HeebyJeebyLeebee]

Any more updates for how your Christmas went?

[KitFox]

Any more updates for how your Christmas went?

Not spectacularly well on Christmas Eve, lots of familial drama. But the In-Laws Christmas Event was held at Cool Aunt's house, which helped as she lets me help in the kitchen, so I can hide in there. Hubby's dad and grandma buttonholed me about coming down to see them on Christmas Day, and I politely declined. Then they berated Hubby while he helped them carry their packages to their car and backed the car out of the long, dark, icy driveway for them. He also got a "Good morning! When are you coming?" phone call from them on Christmas Day before we'd even had breakfast. He mostly stood his ground, said he would try to come down if he could, but told me he had no intention of going down. I felt like he should have told them it wasn't possible, but at least we didn't go down there!
Christmas Day was pleasant. We went to my folks' home and did the gift and dinner thing there.

[Nora]

Progress is progress!

[hobish]

Progress is progress!

Yep!

Side note: It took me this long to realize that your pic is of a kid in Tigger Pajamas watching Tigger on the tv. I love Tigger, too (although these days i feel more like a Rabbit). That is cute!

[Pinky830]

And by the way...that is a seriously expensive gift exchange. And does everyone seriously exchange gift cards for the same amount? Isn't that sort of a zero-sum game?

[KitFox]

And by the way...that is a seriously expensive gift exchange. And does everyone seriously exchange gift cards for the same amount? Isn't that sort of a zero-sum game?

I agree. Basically, it started out as a $20 maximum gift exchange. Then Evil Aunt decided that it wasn't "fair" because people weren't spending the exact same amount. So, she started buying gift cards, then pressured her sisters to do the same, but it's hard to find gift cards for $20 (or it was) so they changed it to $25. Then Evil decided that $25 was "cheap" after looking at how much they all spent on the kids, so it became $50 a couple years ago. She wanted to raise it to $100 this year. 

It is a ridiculous kind of game. If you were exchanging presents, then at least it would be some nice things exchanged for the purpose of enjoyment, not an offhand "here's your card." (Not that cards are always bad, it just doesn't seem like a gift exchange because of the WAY they do it.)