Author Topic: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!  (Read 6737 times)

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Asharah

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From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« on: September 23, 2009, 11:01:24 PM »
    Here’s the back story: My boyfriend & I recently got engaged. Now I am 18, he is 21 and we’ve been dating for almost a year (we’ve known each other for about 2 ½ years). I can understand the viewpoint of “you’re too young” and “you haven’t known each other that long,” so in the interest of good family relations (and saving up enough money not to be on the dole), we’re waiting 2-3 years to tie the knot. We haven’t even thought about setting a date yet!

    When he proposed to me, we were on a 2-week trip with his family, visiting out of town relatives. On our way through a certain state, we had arranged to stop by my grandparents’ house and they could meet my new fiancé (this was 2 days after he’d proposed). I’ve always been pretty close with this set of grandparents, visiting them yearly & occasional phone calls (they live in a different state), especially my gma.

    Well we got there and after initial introductions I asked if we could show them around the property – my gparents have a large, beautiful property which I know my gpa is quite proud of. My gma declined & told us to go on without her. We did, and spent about an hour walking around & conversing with my gpa. There was no mention of the engagement at any time through out this, and when I had previously called and announced it, my gpa had said, “Congratulations,” a bit awkwardly. I had thought nothing of this, as he’d never met my fiancé and was not much of a talker.

    When we got back to the house, we continued to make small talk, my fiancé & his dad with my gpa, and my FMIL & I with my gma. Since I hadn’t spoken with her personally about the engagement, I showed her my ring and said (quite excitedly), “Look, Grandma! Did you hear we’re engaged??” (Biiiig smile.)

    Here’s the part that blew me away. She looked at me with a pained grimace and said, “Oh yes. Well, you’re not getting married for another ten years, RIGHT??” I said that it would be a few years, yes, but probably not a decade! She sighed and said, “Oh. Well I wish I could say congratulations, but I simply can’t! I wish you weren’t making such a big mistake with your life, but I guess I can’t stop you…” Asharah's comment: I am scraping my jaw off the floor right now!

    I was absolutely speechless! Even my dad, who has a history of being overprotective, had simply wished me the best and told me that he’s proud of me! I was gathering my wits (and trying not to cry) when my amazing FMIL – bless her heart – quickly changed the subject to a less volatile one and got my gma off her tangent.

    The kicker? When I got home, I cried to my Mom about what had happened. She called my gparents, who (instead of apologizing) gave her a list of complaints they had about our visit! She requested that I call and apologize to them immediately. Asharah's comment: For what? After some arguing, I did call and leave a message to the effect of “so sorry for the offense,” yes I know, not a real apology. Well, it seemed to work, because about a week later I got a card from gma apologizing for her rudeness.

    So things are alright between us again, I guess, but I really just wanted to make a point here – even if you don’t personally approve of someone’s choice of marriage or mate, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep your manners in and at least WAIT til they’re gone to rant about it!!! 0920-09

When “foot-in-mouth” episodes like this occur, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that what is happening is that someone’s vision for how your life will be is suddenly changed to be something completely different.  Grandma may have always dreamed of you going to college or having a career and WHAMMO! Reality isn’t going down the same path as her dreams.  It’s a shock to the system and grandma hasn’t had time to absorb it all and change her perspective so she blurts out stupid comments.  I  know this because *I’ve* done it.   My own mother did it upon hearing my engagement announcement.

The good news is that nearly always people eventually realign their hopes for your future to reflect the current reality and they come on board to support you.   That grandma can apologize for her rudeness is a great sign that she will be rejoicing at your wedding several years from now so don’t hold it against her.

Asharah's comment: Sorry, but telling a newly engaged bride-to-be she is making a big mistake goes beyond saying something stupid before you think in my book. She did apoligize but I would still watch how she reacts in the future before I'd trust her not to be a problem during the wedding.
Asharah

majorboredom

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2009, 11:42:54 PM »
Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.

Dindrane

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2009, 12:04:57 AM »
I agree with you, too, Asharah.  Not only that, but when I blurt out something inappropriate, and a related third party calls and tells me that I've gone and put my foot in it, I don't call the injured party and demand apologies for other stuff.  Maybe I'd get defensive like that in the heat of the moment, but not after I've had a chance to think some about my initial off-base comment.

And even if I did get instinctively defensive, I'd apologize for that as soon as I'd had a chance to think about it.

I guess for me, one of the marks of foot-in-mouth disease that stems from thoughtlessness rather than rudeness is that the thoughtless person will eventually realize "oh no, did I really say that?" and apologize without (much) prompting.  The rude person will not apologize unless they feel like they have to, because they meant every word of what they said.


cicero

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2009, 06:26:20 AM »
i agree with asharah.

blurting out "but you're so young" or something along those lines is still stupid and rude but... more understandable as a "blurting out".

saying what grandma said is waaaay beyond that.


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Asharah

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2009, 11:20:52 AM »
I wonder if Grandma & Grandpa have some issues in their own marriage that LW isn't aware of. Maybe GMA is projecting her own regrets or unhappiness onto her granddaughter.
Asharah

DottyG

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2009, 01:21:52 PM »
Who's the purple comment from?


Asharah

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2009, 01:32:06 PM »
It was part of the blog post.
Asharah

DottyG

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2009, 01:33:32 PM »
It was part of the blog post.

So, it was EHellDame?  Or, does someone else post stuff on the blog?  (Sorry, I'm unfamiliar with the way that works.)


Nurvingiel

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2009, 01:35:27 PM »
Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.
This so much.

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Wavicle

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2009, 01:49:37 PM »
I got engaged when I was 19. I am 20 now, my fiance and I have been dating for 3 years. I am still in college and my fiance would never dream of changing that.

My parents response was "Why didn't this happen in a year?" I don't expect jumping up and down, but I had to listen to them for weeks saying I was so young, but that they fully expected me to marry this man and for the engagement to happen while I was in college. It just wasn't on their timeline.

I remember my mom yelling for someone winning American Idol that night. No excitement for my announcement.  I know they don't have to get excited, but it hurts that something that should have been happy was disappointing because I didn't meet their expectations. Not getting excited is perfectly valid and while I feel hurt their reaction was not rude. I can't change my feelings and they could not change theirs. We all controlled our emotions and didn't say anything rash, everything if fine now.

I guess the Grandma's reaction is understandable, but it is not excusable. Isn't being polite about putting your emotional reactions aside to be nicer to each other? It doesn't matter that her dreams were thrown off, she was completely out of line! Hopefully the bride to be can forgive her, but I don't see how being upset makes it OK.

artk2002

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2009, 02:38:12 PM »
It was part of the blog post.

So, it was EHellDame?  Or, does someone else post stuff on the blog?  (Sorry, I'm unfamiliar with the way that works.)


I believe that those are EHellDame's comments.
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nyarlathotep

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2009, 04:23:38 PM »
Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

POD. I know quite a few young married/civilly partnered couples where at least one partner is a student! That assumption seems a bit outdated to me.

Nurvingiel

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2009, 04:33:27 PM »
Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

POD. I know quite a few young married/civilly partnered couples where at least one partner is a student! That assumption seems a bit outdated to me.
Heck, I know people that met and fell in love when they were both in school. They got married, graduated, and are very happy five years later. Getting married didn't stop either person from completing their degrees.
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Twik

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2009, 07:43:37 PM »
Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.

Absolutely. In fact, unless they immediately start a family, I'd suspect a married young woman to have at least as good a chance as a single one. Two people to split the rent and other bills, less temptation to spend study time and all your free cash at the bars, etc.

I knew several married couples in grad school, and they were often the most grounded and hardest working ones there.
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Visiting Crazy Town

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Re: From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2009, 01:00:38 PM »
Actually what i was wondering was if the grandparents had been given some negative information about the fiance  or if the fiance was a 21 year do nothing living with his parents without a job and not going to school and the grandparents felt that he would drag the granddaughter down.  I notice that she never mention any plans they had for the future.  The grand parents words were they felt that she was making a mistake but that could be about the person she chose not the age she decided to get married.  I also felt that the OP knew that  the grandparents were unhappy with engagement and were avoiding the subject until she thrust it into their face  by shoving the engagement ring in the grandmothers face with a "Biiiig smile"

Shay

I also wanted to say that i felt the grandmother's comment was wrong but i also feel that if you notice someone avoiding a subject you don't push the issue