From E-Hell Blog: No Blessings For You!

[Starchasm]

Actually what i was wondering was if the grandparents had been given some negative information about the fiance  or if the fiance was a 21 year do nothing living with his parents without a job and not going to school and the grandparents felt that he would drag the granddaughter down.  I notice that she never mention any plans they had for the future.  The grand parents words were they felt that she was making a mistake but that could be about the person she chose not the age she decided to get married.  I also felt that the OP knew that  the grandparents were unhappy with engagement and were avoiding the subject until she thrust it into their face  by shoving the engagement ring in the grandmothers face with a "Biiiig smile"

Shay

I also wanted to say that i felt the grandmother's comment was wrong but i also feel that if you notice someone avoiding a subject you don't push the issue

I tend to agree with this.

I'm also wondering what the grandparents wanted her to apologize for.

It just seems like there is more to the story.  In any event, it's a shame that she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for but she did push the issue.  I do think the grandmother should have tried to squeeze out a "congratulations" with some beandip if she just couldn't bring herself to gush. 

[SkyTalon]

Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.

I think the association is from an outdated way of thinking. GMa's way of thought probably is along these lines: A Single Woman has a career and goes to college. A Married Woman stays home and cares for the kids. GMa is probably upset that her granddaughter is choosing a path that likely (in my speculation) she didnt/wasnt able to take.

[sparklestar]

I think there's an automatic assumption that any response to an engagement other than "congratulations" is rude. I don't agree with that. I think if you have misgivings you are honour-bound to your loved one to raise the issue before the wedding and make them think about it. Gma was not polite to raise this in front of the future in laws but perhaps she didn't want to do it on the phone + the LW says she only visits once a year. Plus LW brought it up, not Gma.

I too suspect more went on during the visit which isn't included in the story...

[Twik]

I think there's an automatic assumption that any response to an engagement other than "congratulations" is rude. I don't agree with that. I think if you have misgivings you are honour-bound to your loved one to raise the issue before the wedding and make them think about it. Gma was not polite to raise this in front of the future in laws but perhaps she didn't want to do it on the phone + the LW says she only visits once a year. Plus LW brought it up, not Gma.

I too suspect more went on during the visit which isn't included in the story...

From what I've heard from other posters on this board about weird family reactions, I'm not sure that there is any significant backstory here. At least, in the opening post, there's no mention of GM saying, "I think you're making a mistake because of X (character of betrothed, financial situation, educational situation, etc.)" She simply said that she disapproved "... but I guess I can't stop you". If someone's going to tell me my proposed action is a mistake, I would appreciate being told in what manner so I could consider it rationally, rather than simply being left to assume that the other person knows better than I do.

Certainly if you have nothing constructive to say, "congratulations" would be more appropriate. And, at least, one should then not be surprised if the rest of the visit didn't go in a relaxed, friendly manner. Such a statement is not something that people easily forget, and for that reason should only be used when there is a genuine and serious reason, not just "oh, I suppose you'll be like Cousin Samantha, who got married and then dropped out of school and had triplets within the first year."

[Jolie_kitten]

Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.

As a matter of fact, I know a girl who married age 18, just afeter finishing high school. The very next year, she went to college, studied philosophy, never seemed to put less effort/attention in the classes than any of us, has been active in student organizations and has graduated with high grades.

[nrb80]

I don't know that I would have been more polite than Grandma in tha situation - though I would have tried to avoid it.  Its human nature to not be enthusiastic when someone makes a decision you disapprove of.  The granddaughter also may have had more sense to not spring it on her Grandparents like that in front of her fiance and soon to be inlaws. 

[Twik]

Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.

As a matter of fact, I know a girl who married age 18, just afeter finishing high school. The very next year, she went to college, studied philosophy, never seemed to put less effort/attention in the classes than any of us, has been active in student organizations and has graduated with high grades.

I know a lot of people who managed to combine early marriage with careers, actually.

[sparklestar]

Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.

As a matter of fact, I know a girl who married age 18, just afeter finishing high school. The very next year, she went to college, studied philosophy, never seemed to put less effort/attention in the classes than any of us, has been active in student organizations and has graduated with high grades.

I know a lot of people who managed to combine early marriage with careers, actually.

Equally I know at least 4-5 people who managed to have kids early and never really entered the workforce at all despite having a university education.   It does very much depend on the person - if you are determined there are ways of juggling it.  But not everyone can be bothered and not everyone has the support network to enable them to do this.

[loner]

I think there's an automatic assumption that any response to an engagement other than "congratulations" is rude. I don't agree with that. I think if you have misgivings you are honour-bound to your loved one to raise the issue before the wedding and make them think about it. Gma was not polite to raise this in front of the future in laws but perhaps she didn't want to do it on the phone + the LW says she only visits once a year. Plus LW brought it up, not Gma.

I too suspect more went on during the visit which isn't included in the story...

I agree with this.  I also think that the letter writer may have had an indication that her grandma was not happy.  She described her big grin when telling her grandma and showing her the ring.  I think she was hoping her enthusiasm would be contagious.  I also think the grandma was trying to hear about the granddaughter's plans when she made the ten year comment.  The granddaughter should have told her she didn't want to discuss her plans right then or reassured her that she was still going to be happy and do the things that she had always wanted to do with her life.   

[Twik]

Actually, I'm a little confused as to why it's automatically attributed to the idea that the young girl will never go to college or have a career simply because she's married.  I know everyone's expecting the worst of 'young love' but it's still extremely disrespectful to not even give the couple a chance.

Asharah, ITA.

As a matter of fact, I know a girl who married age 18, just afeter finishing high school. The very next year, she went to college, studied philosophy, never seemed to put less effort/attention in the classes than any of us, has been active in student organizations and has graduated with high grades.

I know a lot of people who managed to combine early marriage with careers, actually.

Equally I know at least 4-5 people who managed to have kids early and never really entered the workforce at all despite having a university education.   It does very much depend on the person - if you are determined there are ways of juggling it.  But not everyone can be bothered and not everyone has the support network to enable them to do this.

Not everyone wants to.

And not being married, nowadays, is no barrier to having children, just as being married is not a guarantee that you will be popping them out as soon as you've got the confetti out of your hair.