General Etiquette > Techno-quette

Forum Etiquette vs. Real Life Etiquette

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Hanna:
For you personally, what is the difference in etiquette rules for a face-to-face conversation and the ones we have online?

This has been on my mind lately after a few threads, and though we've had this discussion before, I think it's an interesting topic to explore.

In the last week I have both unintentionally offended someone with my opinion and been slightly offended myself.  The opinion was about pre-nuptial agreements and if we had been face-to-face I would have better qualified my statement or not made it at all.  The offense I took (though didn't really post until now) was in the thread about using professional titles, when the OP expressed a judgement about people that use the term "Doctor and Dentist" saying she finds them "gauche" and "ignorant" but would never express that to them directly.

Where are your lines in an online discussion?  How careful should we be not to offend one another here, versus in real life?

Fluffy Cat:
Personally, I feel that we can say some things online in this forum (especially since our goal here is self-improvement rather than friendship or professional relationships) that definitely should not be said in real life.  That being said, I think it is necessary to exercise some degree of care when expressing those opinions.  Yes, even when we are just describing the thoughts that go through our heads.  Those thoughts are not rude in real life-because they are left unsaid-but in my opinion, they can become rude here because that qualification no longer applies.

I have expressed this viewpoint in threads before, and have generally been responded to with apologies, understanding, and a rewording of the (almost always) unintentionally offensive statement.

Dandy Andy's Daddy's Love:
My biggest pet peeve about the way some people express themselves on this forum is the use of "that's an interesting assumption". The IA line is meant for times when you are so shocked, you can't formulate a response. The fact that E-hell is not actually a conversation, in the sense that we can all take quite a bit of time to formulate our responses, makes using the IA line rude. You have plenty of time to write a response that corrects the assumption, instead of simply calling someone out on it.

One of the biggest things that's okay on E-hell, but not in real life is calling other people out on their rudeness. None of us should do this in real life, but because we all belong to a forum dedicated to etiquette, it's okay to tell someone when they've been rude.

Fluffy Cat:

--- Quote from: Maria DD on September 28, 2009, 08:45:18 PM ---My biggest pet peeve about the way some people express themselves on this forum is the use of "that's an interesting assumption". The IA line is meant for times when you are so shocked, you can't formulate a response. The fact that E-hell is not actually a conversation, in the sense that we can all take quite a bit of time to formulate our responses, makes using the IA line rude. You have plenty of time to write a response that corrects the assumption, instead of simply calling someone out on it.

One of the biggest things that's okay on E-hell, but not in real life is calling other people out on their rudeness. None of us should do this in real life, but because we all belong to a forum dedicated to etiquette, it's okay to tell someone when they've been rude.

--- End quote ---

I agree with this.  I was more thinking along the lines of subjectively (this does not apply when it is entirely objective) referring to a behavior as gross, gauche, insecure, rude etc. and then saying "but I would never say that"

ETA: particularly after hearing from posters who engage in that behavior.  Again, I am only referring to subjective gray areas, not obvious and clear etiquette/social/professional violations.

O'Dell:
I've been thinking about this lately too. I've noticed that some people here are quicker to take offense than on other message boards. Now is it that people here are more sensitive and, dare I say, prickly? Or is it because people here are quicker to pick up on subtleties of language and expression? A little of both I think.

Some of the situations that I witnessed here have reminded me of the first message board that I participated in. It was focused on men and men's issues. Boy that was an eye-opener for me...in good ways and bad!  :o  Other women posted on there as well. Occasionally a man would post a rant/vent about women in general...some might even have been considered women bashing. It was a joke among the men there that no matter how much truth there was to the generality, there was sure to be a woman pop in, act all offended, and say that it didn't apply to her. The men complained that women were always saying "I'm not like that!" And honestly, once it was pointed out, I saw that it was true! Soon the men were mocking the women for posting that sort of comment and some of the women posted to say that they weren't like that and didn't post that sort of comment.  ??? And no they weren't being ironic. :D

I see that a lot here. Someone says they think it's really rude when someone does x and if they don't qualify it and put conditions on it and say in my opinion and "I think" and "maybe", bam...someone jumps in to say that "I'm not like that!" They are the exception, or they've had to do it and feel justified or whatever their reasoning that the rule doesn't apply to them. Honestly I just figure that it's really more to do with their own issues than what's been said, and move on.

I think the difference between that sort of thing in real life v the internet is that people are less likely to pipe up and call attention to their "I'm not like that" status for a variety of reasons. On the internet there is less that holds people back from saying things they would not say in real life where they face more repercussions. And because it has more to do with people's own issues, I don't think there is a way to eliminate it. It's something that they have to wrestle with.

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