Forum Etiquette vs. Real Life Etiquette

[Hanna]

I agree with this.  I was more thinking along the lines of subjectively (this does not apply when it is entirely objective) referring to a behavior as gross, gauche, insecure, rude etc. and then saying "but I would never say that"

It would be rude to announce to someone that you think that their behaviour is gauche and pretentious, or their decision is stupid.  However, a discussion *about* an issue is different than a comment to someone, on-line or in person.

So if someone introduced themselves as "Dentist Smith" at a party or in a forum, you wouldn't say "Wow, isn't that pretentious!". You'd say "Nice to meet you."  But if someone asked on an etiquette forum or in a general conversation what other people thought about using titles in social settings, then you can say "I find it kind of pretentious and affected". The difference is the type of conversation, not the medium over which it's being conducted.

Offering an opinion when asked is slightly different than starting a thread and posting  "I think people that do X are ignorant", though, right? Is it less rude than walking into a cocktail party and saying it?

Also, one can write "It bothers me when people do X", instead of "I think people that do X are <insert insult here> "

Is there a responsibility online to consider that your audience might contain at least one person that does/is X?

[Fluffy Cat]

Offering an opinion when asked is slightly different than starting a thread and posting  "I think people that do X are ignorant", though, right? Is it less rude than walking into a cocktail party and saying it?

Also, one can write "It bothers me when people do X", instead of "I think people that do X are <insert insult here> "
Is there a responsibility online to consider that your audience might contain at least one person that does/is X?

Yes, exactly

[LifeOnPluto]

On of the great things that I've experienced on eHell, is that the vast majority of posters don't hold grudges or prejudices against other posters, based on previous interactions. That is, because a poster might disagree with you on one issue, they don't automatically assume that they'll disagree with you on all other issues.

For example, I've started a topic where posters have vehemently disagreed with my opinion (and told me so in no uncertain terms!) Yet the next week I've posted another, different topic where many of those same posters have been supportive and understanding of the point I was attempting to make.

By contrast, in real life, my experience has been that when a person strongly disagrees with you on a particular issue, they are more likely to find excuses to disagree with you on other issues too. In real life, discussions tend to be so much more personal, whereas on eHell, the focus is more on the topic, not the poster.

[Hanna]

On of the great things that I've experienced on eHell, is that the vast majority of posters don't hold grudges or prejudices against other posters, based on previous interactions. That is, because a poster might disagree with you on one issue, they don't automatically assume that they'll disagree with you on all other issues.

For example, I've started a topic where posters have vehemently disagreed with my opinion (and told me so in no uncertain terms!) Yet the next week I've posted another, different topic where many of those same posters have been supportive and understanding of the point I was attempting to make.

By contrast, in real life, my experience has been that when a person strongly disagrees with you on a particular issue, they are more likely to find excuses to disagree with you on other issues too. In real life, discussions tend to be so much more personal, whereas on eHell, the focus is more on the topic, not the poster.

Very true. Usually I forget the participants in an online disagreement completely.

[Dindrane]

I think this is an interesting topic.

Generally, in real life, I have a tendency to rant (among my nearest and dearest, anyway), be sarcastic, and otherwise do and say things that super really do not at all translate to text interactions.  I suspect that most people have this issue, to varying degrees.

But generally, I think the biggest rule for online interactions is to make sure that you are making yourself clear.  There are times when I post in a hurry, and I always regret it.  Without fail, some point that I haven't completely clarified will sound off to another poster, and I'll have to spend a lot of time explaining myself (and sometimes re-explaining myself to people who missed the subsequent explanation).  But it's also very important to be careful about the strongly-worded statements you make.  A lot of the time, strongly-worded statements are genuinely the best way to make a point (without adding in a bunch of "I think..."s or "In my opinion..."s), but they can come off as sounding judgmental or high-handed if you aren't careful.

That is one thing that isn't as big a deal in face-to-face interactions.  A statement I make in person that doesn't have any softening phrases in it isn't necessarily going to make me sound harsh or judgmental, because I'll have tone of voice and body language at my disposal to communicate that it's nothing more or less than an opinion I feel strongly about.

[katycoo]

My biggest pet peeve about the way some people express themselves on this forum is the use of "that's an interesting assumption". The IA line is meant for times when you are so shocked, you can't formulate a response. The fact that E-hell is not actually a conversation, in the sense that we can all take quite a bit of time to formulate our responses, makes using the IA line rude. You have plenty of time to write a response that corrects the assumption, instead of simply calling someone out on it.

I understand (and to an extent agree) with your opinion here, but IMO it is also apprioriate when you want to point out that the statement made reflects a massive assumption when you are not in a position to correct it without making an alternative assumption.

A example to mind was a thread on families with many children and a posted commented that the parents couldn't possibly spend quality time with all of them.
I felt that was an interesting assumption. 
But I also can't say what other families do or do not do.

[MrsJWine]

Like PPs, my sense of humor can be very dry and sarcastic face-to-face (not in a cruel way).  I check myself on here constantly for that because it translates so poorly.  I'm also really careful about things that may come across as sarcastic but I don't mean to be so.

I also check myself because posting and reading on this board so regularly lends a false sense of familiarity that may not be there for the other person.  For instance, on Facebook, where I personally know most people, I make irreverent jokes a lot.  If my sister posts a status update like, "Daughter would not sleep last night.  I don't know how I'm going to get through today with 3YearOld and 6YearOld," I would probably make a joke about booze and maybe how it's for the baby, too.  I'm fond of booze jokes.  Here, though, I never know who's got a bad history/bad associations with alcohol or who just would find that plain offensive.  But I catch myself almost making jokes like that because I do like certain posters and feel that I click with them.  That may be true, but I should never make the assumption that I really know them.

[Dindrane]

MrsJWine, for the record, you do seem to translate your sense of humor rather well.  I have always particularly enjoyed your discussions of A Very Logical Place.

But, I agree with you about that false sense of familiarity.  I have a couple of rather irreverent friends (who make all kinds of ridiculous suggestions when I complain about things, and are, in all seriousness, completely full of it ).  I've gotten used to responding in kind with those friends, and sometimes have to check myself even in real life.

[AM in AL]

My biggest pet peeve about the way some people express themselves on this forum is the use of "that's an interesting assumption". The IA line is meant for times when you are so shocked, you can't formulate a response. The fact that E-hell is not actually a conversation, in the sense that we can all take quite a bit of time to formulate our responses, makes using the IA line rude. You have plenty of time to write a response that corrects the assumption, instead of simply calling someone out on it.

I understand (and to an extent agree) with your opinion here, but IMO it is also apprioriate when you want to point out that the statement made reflects a massive assumption when you are not in a position to correct it without making an alternative assumption.

A example to mind was a thread on families with many children and a posted commented that the parents couldn't possibly spend quality time with all of them.
I felt that was an interesting assumption. 
But I also can't say what other families do or do not do.

Thanks for clarifying what I was thinking. The "IA" line can be rude... but not when it's used to identify an IA., like your example.

I can imagine that some parents of large families might have difficulty finding enough quality time for each child...  but to state that as a truth for every large family is indeed an Interesting Assumptioon.

[Dindrane]

I think the problem some people have with the interesting assumption line is that, when used often enough, certain phrases can take on a life of their own.  I think that the IA line is definitely one of those.  People see it, and sometimes react to it immediately before they even finish reading the post - such is the phrase's power.

It can be problematic on a forum, when the point is not to shut someone down and walk away, but to foster discussion.  It seems as though there is always more than one way to phrase the sentiment behind the IA line.  And honestly, if a poster is so angry that they can't formulate any other response, they should just report the offending post and go drink a Coke.

[bbgirl]

Dismissive of who?  I'm unclear as to whether this is meant in a sarcastic manner and proving PeterM's point, or if you really find his statement about general online interaction offensive?  

I guess I proved his point too well.  I was being sarcastic.  

Ahhh, well thank you   I was just making sure because I was unclear as to the intent.  You are masterful!! 

[Dandy Andy's Daddy's Love]

I think the problem some people have with the interesting assumption line is that, when used often enough, certain phrases can take on a life of their own.  I think that the IA line is definitely one of those.  People see it, and sometimes react to it immediately before they even finish reading the post - such is the phrase's power.

It can be problematic on a forum, when the point is not to shut someone down and walk away, but to foster discussion.  It seems as though there is always more than one way to phrase the sentiment behind the IA line.  And honestly, if a poster is so angry that they can't formulate any other response, they should just report the offending post and go drink a Coke.

And I think that if people are abiding by the Coke Rule, 99% of the posts that include the IA line probably wouldn't. Of course, that in itself could be an IA .

[MrsO]

I also check myself because posting and reading on this board so regularly lends a false sense of familiarity that may not be there for the other person.  For instance, on Facebook, where I personally know most people, I make irreverent jokes a lot.  If my sister posts a status update like, "Daughter would not sleep last night.  I don't know how I'm going to get through today with 3YearOld and 6YearOld," I would probably make a joke about booze and maybe how it's for the baby, too.  I'm fond of booze jokes.  Here, though, I never know who's got a bad history/bad associations with alcohol or who just would find that plain offensive.  But I catch myself almost making jokes like that because I do like certain posters and feel that I click with them.  That may be true, but I should never make the assumption that I really know them.

I totally agree. I do this too! Plus, I haven't added many people on EHell to my Facebook, as I don't think everyone would 'get' my sense of humour  and I'm worried I'd really offend people. I post alot on FB that I'd never post on here.

[Shores]

My biggest pet peeve about forum etiquette (or lack thereof ) is when trolls follow  you from the forum to your personal site (yes, even people from Ehell!) just to insult you in a way that would have them instantly banned from here. I had someone use my blog link just to post desparging remarks about my appearance and stated in their post (fake name and email addres I'm sure) that they had been posting on ehell for years.  Not working out too well for ya, eh?   Never have to worry about that in real life conversation.

[Ceallach]

On eHell, when somebody says outright "you were rude" or "that's rude", I always find it a little confrontational.  In real life, we're more diplomatic than that!   I'd prefer to cushion my opinion and say "I feel that was a little rude for X reason and because of Y", or something like that.   I don't think it's entirely up to me to judge what's rude and what isn't - if these situations were so easy to judge, we wouldn't need eHell!  So I think being that direct about it is definitely a difference I've observed.  Then again, perhaps others do say "You're rude!" in real life as well as here?  I try to never be that blunt with my opinion though.

One thing that's common both here and in RL to me?   Generalisations.  I really can't stand it when people make broad statements about a group of people - presenting something as fact, when what's actually true is sometimes, or in their observation.  I know some people feel that this inferred when they make a statement, that we know they're not saying all.  Well, I don't know.  You might really think that all people in X group are like that! (Because unfortunately, there are prejudiced people out there).  In RL, I think somebody would be called on it quite quickly, and it's the same here.   Unfortunately it's something we all do a lot of, by accident usually.   Somebody else will usually say "Hey that's not always true, I'm X and I'm not Y!"