Dear Dog:

[sparklestar]

Dear Jack,

My underwear is not a chew toy.  And the used tissues in the bathroom trash bin are not edible. 

If you're very slow and calm, you might get Claudio to let you kiss him.  Hero is a lost cause.  Face it, the grey cat hates you.

Oh, and stop being a wimp!  That's my job.

But I love you, and Daddy loves you more,
Mommy

My old dog used to do this - my little sister referred to it as "Dog's self-wiping bottom" - YUCK! 

[ShieldMaiden]

Dear Smokey,

In lieu of your travelling restrictions I have begun working on a transporter system able to transport us in real time at the quantum level.  That way we can all go on walks, rough house, and act like maniacs and go back to our beds at night time.

I have run into a few problems due to my lack of opposable thumbs, but I will prevail!

Tail wags,
Pilsner

[PeasNCues]

Dear Smokey,

In lieu of your travelling restrictions I have begun working on a transporter system able to transport us in real time at the quantum level.  That way we can all go on walks, rough house, and act like maniacs and go back to our beds at night time.

I have run into a few problems due to my lack of opposable thumbs, but I will prevail!

Tail wags,
Pilsner

Dear Pilsner,

NOM!

Love,
Scotch

[readingchick]

Dear Lucky,

Please don't beg for scraps from me. I don't fall for that bleeding heart "I'm starving, look at me, I'm down to skin and bones so please give me some of that" look. You aren't starving; in fact I don't think you have missed a meal at all.

Your cousin

[amylouky]

Dear Sadie,

I really just have one question. Why is it that you LOVE to play in the water when I have the hose out, to the point that you will whine and bark when I turn the water off.. yet, you refuse to go outside when it's raining?

Love,

Mom

[Lady Snowdon]

Dear Smokey,

In lieu of your travelling restrictions I have begun working on a transporter system able to transport us in real time at the quantum level.  That way we can all go on walks, rough house, and act like maniacs and go back to our beds at night time.

I have run into a few problems due to my lack of opposable thumbs, but I will prevail!

Tail wags,
Pilsner

Dear Pilsner,
Thanks so much for thinking of me! I have no doubt you will prevail.  I agree with Scotch though; can we make it edible?  Nom nom nom! 

Bouncily,
Smokey

PS -- Can we make it bacon flavored too?  That'd probably be best.

[pinkunicorn]

Dear Best Friend's Dog::

I know you love me and you are excited to see me every time I come to visit your person, but please let me get in the door and sit down before you try to climb into my lap. I'm sorry, but if I'm not sitting, I have no lap. Besides, you're very small and I'm afraid I will step on you when you run under my feet!

Love,
Pink Unicorn

[Elfqueen13]

Dear Elf-dog:

I love you very much and I'm worried about you.  Please do not ever eat mouse bait again.  This has been an expensive and nerve-wracking week.

Love,
Momz

[momof2weenies]

Dear littlest weenie -

Although it is kind of funny to watch your 9-pound self chase mom's 65-lb labrador around, not all big dogs will be as amicable as he is.  Starting next week, we're going to obedience school.

Love,
Mom

[rashea]

Dear Banshee,

Please stop licking Bishop's ears. It's weird. Plus, I can't treat her for ear mites when it means you will then lick up the chemicals. And it isn't fair to make Bishop wear the lampshade just because you're a weirdo.

Love,

Mom

P.S. Why do you bother storing food in the corner if you will refuse to eat it?

[aventurine]

Dear Flops, Lady, .. heck, dear everybody:

My shoes are MINE; you do not need shoes.  I like for my shoes to be where I left them, not strowed halfway across the room. 

Also, whining/fussing/keening/barking does not make the food hit the floor any faster, and will result in gentle re-training (read:  delayed gratification).  You really should have figured this out by now.

Love you,

The Giver Of Food And Treats

[kennedar]

Dear Meeka

You really need to start eating your dinner. I know its boring to get the same thing every night, but thats how life is when you are a dog. When you do not eat your dinner at dinner time, we have to make you eat it before bed time. This results in you having to go out in the middle of the night. Daddy is getting tired of letting you out, and Mommy is tired of being woken up at 3 am. This is not cool.

Love

Mommy

P.S. If anyone has any ideas of how to get a finnicky dog to eat her dinner, PM me. We are out of options!

[Synergy]

Dear Steinbeck,

It's a rock.   Barking at it will not frighten it away.   Yes, it moves, but only when you push it with your nose.   Otherwise it will just lay there, waiting to ambush me the next time I mow the lawn.   

Signed,

He Who Brings Tennis Balls

[AreaWoman]

Dear AreaDog:
  You need not worry about the pizza guy -- he is not invading the house, just delivering our dinner.  There's no need to go to doggie DefCon 5.  Plus, you know you get bites of crust from daddy, so what's your major malfunction? 

Love and belly rubs,
Mommie

[POF]

Dear Daisy Duck ...

I lub you ... I lub you ... I lub you ..... but you weigh 65 pounds and when you jump on me when I'm napping in the recliner .... it scare mes and when I screech because I am being squished ... it scares you.

I know you love kitty cat. But trust me - he is really not some sort of deformed puppy. He's a full grown nueterd tom cat who's the godfather of the neighborhood. I don't care how hard you try ... he's not going to play squeaky ball.  I also think it;s nice that you want him to share the chewie treat - but shoving it in his face when he's sleeping ( he;s 17 years old now ) doesn't work.  Finally - cats groom themselves. I'm afraid that he is going to get very tired of being held down with one of you paws and getting thoroughly washed. Don't cry to me when you get scratched.

For the record ... the dead chipmunk you found today is also not a puppy. You can't lick it back to life and you can not bring it in the house. No.... I did not steal it ... I put it in the garbage.

Love

Mummy