Dear Slinky...
It breaks my heart to see you grow so old and grey. I wish I knew what caused your blindness, and I wish I could cure it. I miss seeing you chase your brother in circles around the house, scare the squirrels in the backyard, and try to catch birds as they flew through the yard. However...
You eat the same dog food your brother does. And we arent talking the cheap grocery store stuff, but the stuff we have to trek to the vet every month to get and pay for with parts of our bank account and bits of our soul. Why have you recently started passing gas like crazy? Good Lord, dog...even the cat is now avoiding you.
Stop "sharking" around the house and eating anything that brushes up against your nose and even remotely can be construed as food in your mind. That last thing you ate was a bead from your little human sister's broken bracelet. And its getting weird cleaning up your multi-colored poop after you eat her crayons.
Its sweet that you want to be where I am, but must it be all the time? My armchair was comfy when it was just me. Add you and the belly full of babies I got going, and its downright claustraphobic now. Daddy loves you, too...and HE has the chair and a half. Go sit with him!!!
Dear Dinky...
I love you, but if I had understood that being a purebred would mean you were a stupid as a rock I wouldnt have paid so much for you. Honey, I have socks that are smarter than you are. I love you, my special needs child. If they made a helmet in your size I'd buy it for you just so people would understand why you are the way you are.
Leave the dang blasted cat alone. She doesnt care about the household hierarchy, havent you figured that out? If I can handle her looking down on me surely you can get over your issues, hmm?
You are NOT starving to death. In fact you are a wee bit pudgy. This is why you are not allowed to eat whatever, whenever, and however you wish. Stop stealing your sister dog's food, the cat's food, and our food. It is NOT endearing to leave a plate of food on the table only to find you have used your long little weenie dog body to stand up VERTICALLY and pull it off the table. I do not find it cute that you have figured out of you follow your human sister around the house and harass her she will drop what she is eating so you can glom onto it.
On the weight subject, lets discuss why we are so very mean to you. Do you realize the last time you hurt your back it cost us several thousand dollars to fix you? The weight isnt helping. You WILL lose weight, as I cannot afford to have you fixed again. I am sooo mean, I know.
Oh, and from now on your are going out on a leash on trash day. Both the neighbors and I are tired of cleaning up after your gastronomical "Tour De Neighborhood".
Stop stealth licking me. You know I dont like it, you know I have NEVER liked it. Trying to sneak in a lick in the middle of the night to the bottom of my foot is only going to end in you getting kicked when I scream and start thrashing.
