Dear Dog:

[greencat]

Dear Rocky,
I heard you whining faintly and got up to let you out.  Imagine my surprise when I got to the back door and you weren't waiting there.  I briefly thought "did I have a brain fart and he's already outside and just wanting back in?" Nope.  No dog on the other side of the back door either.  You then whined again.  Where was it coming from?  Did I accidentally shut you in the bathroom?  No.  You're in the kitchen, barricaded in by the lightweight plastic trash can.  The trash can that definitely was slightly fuller the last time I looked at it, and not blocking the way into the kitchen either.  I can only conjecture that you entered the kitchen, decided to go spelunking in my trash can, and in the process, pulled it to where it was blocking your path out.  Apparently, that overwhelmed your tiny little brain and made you think you were stuck in the kitchen, although I know for a fact that you've knocked the trash can over completely before - it's one of those cheap plastic ones.

Signed,
Your loving but long-suffering owner.

[misha412]

Dear Dagan,

I know you think you should be an only furbaby, but the fact is that the two kittens are here. They are staying. Nosing your way in every time they are getting lovies shows your jealousy. You are alpha doggy. You are the oldest. You have the right to shove them off your bed or out of your food bowl. But, constantly needing attention when the kittens are getting some is getting a bit tiring.

Love, Mommy

[siamesecat2965]

Dear Diva and her big brother,
I know the rotisserie chicken I brought home today smells really good, and I'm sorry its just far enough back on the counter that you can't get at it, and the smell is driving you crazy, but its MINE, all mine.  If fed you some, chances are, it would upset your delicate tummies, and leave me messes.

[MissRose]

Dear Dude,

There is a good reason why you are held by your collar when people come in or leave my sister and boyfriend's house, its because you like to play escape artist, then someone has to go chase you down.  Its no fun chasing down a yellow-white German Shepard a few city blocks!

Sincerely,

Auntie Rose

[BarensMom]

Dear Baren:

Stop stalking the neighbor across the street!  I know he gives you treats when you see him outside the house, but stop dragging me over to his front door every time we go outside.  Just because you're cute doesn't mean that you're not being a creeper.

Sincerely,
Mommy

[Pippen]

Dear Pippen, you are a bath dodger and your butt is scraggy. So is mine, but yours is worse.

[greencat]

Rocky,
I love you to death, because you're generally a very, very good dog, but you've been annoying today.

First, yes, it has been raining on and off for a few days straight, because of TS Isaac.  I know you despise anything that gets you wet without also making you smelly (ergo, mud puddles and lake water are fine, but baths and rainwater are not), but whining because you need to do your business while simultaneously refusing to approach the door is annoying.  I do however appreciate that you will go outside when you really, really, really need to go. 

Second, that loaf of bread was in the trash can for a reason.  Besides the fact that you're allergic to wheat, and can't have bread at all, that bread was moldy.  I was impressed with the way you opened the bag to get it out though - my last bread-stealing dog would just eat the whole thing, wrapper and all.  As an addendum to this point, stay out of the trash can!

Third, the entire part of the house that you have access to is tiled, except for the wooden stairs.  That is 750+ square feet of places that you could have thrown up (possibly because of my second point) without it causing a problem for me or the cats.  Of course, you had to target the one small area that did - you upchucked in the water bowl.  The kitties were very, very, very unhappy about the state of the water and informed me of the pollutant at the top of their lungs - you may notice that it's 4 AM and I was trying to sleep.

Love,
Your very exasperated owner.  And the kitties.  Especially the kitten, who likes to snuggle with you but was very thirsty.

[sam]

Dear Baily aka boo boo.

thanks you for staying with me when i came out of hospital after miscarrying at 11 weeks in January.  You cuddled me on the coach every time i was crying and stayed up with me when I couldn't sleep for grief. You didn't leave my side for 2 weeks.

I love you and you are the most handsome Cavalier king Charles Spaniel in the .

Love always
Mummy xx

[Missy2U]

Dear Baren:

Stop stalking the neighbor across the street!  I know he gives you treats when you see him outside the house, but stop dragging me over to his front door every time we go outside.  Just because you're cute doesn't mean that you're not being a creeper.

Sincerely,
Mommy

My dog's name is Baron!

And speaking of Baron:

Dear Doglet of Love (I know - it's goofy): 

These are the situations where you get a bone:

You get a bone when we come home (if we are out for awhile)
You get one after you go out and you are empty (so to speak). 
We randomly give you one because we are feeling generous (this happens far too often so behave yourself or it will stop!)

These are sitsuations where you do NOT get a bone:

You do NOT get a bone when I come out of the bathroom
You do not get a bone when Mr2U comes out of the bathroom
You do not get a bone when someone comes down the stairs. 
You do not get a bone when someone comes in from the garage or from getting the mail. 
You do not get a bone when you go "out" and stand in the yard for ten minutes straight barking at the dog across the retention pond and accomplihs NOTHING else.

There are places where you are allowed to EAT that bone.  This is a special place called the floor.  You may NOT eat a bone in my bed or on the couch.  And Mr2U, next time you give him a bone while he's laying on the couch, YOU will be sleeping on said couch with all the crumbs.

[Jones]

From the desk of Jones
A joint memo to recipients: PD, Maxi and Anari

Dear dogs,

I know that sometimes it's hard to pretend you are still asleep when you woke up early, but seriously, pacing the bedroom door when the alarm is set to go off in 10 minutes or less is not necessary. Hold still, stretch, enjoy the warmth of the bedroom and I promise you will be allowed into the outdoors to do your business very soon. Ten minutes early may not seem like much but if you get up early, I get up early, I either take longer to get ready or I get to work early... either way my day feels twice as long.

Oh, and I know you probably think it's fascinating that I do my business in the house, but you don't have to follow me parade-style whenever I go to the bathroom. If I kick you out of the bathroom, you really don't have to sit and worry by the bathroom door until I come out. DS, aka Boo Bear, finds your pack behavior fascinating and has started making whine-bark noises when I lock him out of my room. He does NOT need to learn dog language, even if you all think it's awesome.

Thank you for reading this memo and I hope to see some progress on the items listed herein.

Jones

[Dr. F.]

Dear Dogs,

Woofing at thunder won't make it go away. Really.

Mom

[Mental Magpie]

Dear Dogs,

Woofing at thunder won't make it go away. Really.

Mom

Dear Czar,

Dark Boyfriend won't let you into our bed.  That means, when it thunders, I have to climb into the previously clean guest bed, and thus stop everything else I'm doing, so that you can climb in there with me.  Then I have to talk to you, pet you, and soothe you as you shake uncontrollably because of the thunder.  Granted, it is incredibly loud where we live, but you need to get over this fear.  I wish I could help you, but at the same time, I don't want to keep washing the sheets because that is the only place that comforts you...and I don't want to always stop doing what I'm doing.

We're going to work on this.

Love,
Sister Magdalena

[rain]

Dear Czar,

I hate thunder too.  My mom took me to the vet (yuck) and the vet suggested some human medicine.  It works - and mom & dad give the pill to me with peanutbutter (yummy).  Maybe your vet would have a suggestion.



Love Nikki

[Valentines Mommy]

Dear Czar, Nikki and Dr. F's dogs,

I take the ACE pill too. It makes me sleepy. But I destroy the house if I don't take it. Hogan and I also use Thundershirts.

Hope the thunder stops,
Saber

[GreenEyedHawk]

Dear Ripley,

You've grown by two collar-notches since we got you.  You were already quite large and you're going to be VERY large, or at the very least, very tall.  How on EARTH can a dog your size still be so underfoot??