Dear Dog:

[mmswm]

Dear Bubbles,

The trash men are allowed to remove the trash from the property.  We also like our trash men very much.  They are great people and we even bake them cheesecakes for Christmas and their birthdays.  You don't need to bark at them every Wednesday morning.

Thanks,
Mommy

[BarensMom]

Dear Baren:

When we go visit your human friends, please don't fluffy in their house.  Also, don't eat their cats' food just because it's there. 

Mommy

[wheeitsme]

Dear Melody,

Not every dog wants to play with you.  Especially those small, fluffy ones that have retractable claws.

Mom.

[Nikko-chan]

Dear Melody,

Those small fluffy 'dogs' with retractable claws are actually called cats. It might be best if you stayed away from them.

Sincerely,

Jasper

[Fliss]

Dear Max:

We appreciate that you like bouncing around the countryside on those long legs. But could you please NOT skip up to the front-yard fence and then *boing* over it like a gazelle.

True, the neighbours found it amusing, especially when you showed off by dancing sideways to it and *boing-ing* back. But this sort of thing could get you into trouble. And it gives your mum the heebie-jeebies.

Your loving Human

[Amava]

Dear Max:

We appreciate that you like bouncing around the countryside on those long legs. But could you please NOT skip up to the front-yard fence and then *boing* over it like a gazelle.

True, the neighbours found it amusing, especially when you showed off by dancing sideways to it and *boing-ing* back. But this sort of thing could get you into trouble. And it gives your mum the heebie-jeebies.

Your loving Human

We seriously need a "tip post" feature on here.
This made me laugh so hard... Thanks! 

[mmswm]

Dear Max:

We appreciate that you like bouncing around the countryside on those long legs. But could you please NOT skip up to the front-yard fence and then *boing* over it like a gazelle.

True, the neighbours found it amusing, especially when you showed off by dancing sideways to it and *boing-ing* back. But this sort of thing could get you into trouble. And it gives your mum the heebie-jeebies.

Your loving Human

We seriously need a "tip post" feature on here.
This made me laugh so hard... Thanks! 

Dear Max,

I know bounding over the fence like a pretty dancer is fun.  I do it all the time, and my mommy scolds me about it too.  Granddad is actually installing an 8 foot fence to keep me from playing with the nursery workers.  I don't understand why they all get scared when I jump over the fence, but Mommy, Granddad and Oma all say I should stay inside.  I don't really agree with them. We'll just have to be miserable together, staying on our own side of our fences.

Love, Bubbles.

[*inviteseller]

Dear Brook,
I am so happy we were able to rescue you last year.  Your former owner was a nice guy who loved you, but at 11, you should no longer be living in a van with a pot head traveling around the country.  I am glad you came in and loved the kids and cats right  away (and surprisingly they love you even though they hadn't been around a dog before).  It is sweet when you let Sophie lick your paws and Lola curls up with you,  you handle Jezebel's mood swings well (yeah, I heard the growl the other day but I chose to ignore it because she had it coming), and you gladly sleep on the hard floor when Mr. B takes your bed and won't let you in.  But...you have a few habits we need to discuss.  You have gained weight in the 8 months since you came to us..yeah you weren't svelte when we got you but we may have been a bit overboard in the treats..sweetheart you no longer have a neck and when you stand on my foot you are crushing it.  Labs are big, but you are supersize and you are on a diet, like it or not.  The new food isn't that bad..you eat cat poop for goodness sakes so you can't be all that picky!  And it may be the food, or the cat poop but darling you can clear a room and I know you are sorry but don't look at us like we are being mean when we are holding our faces and running from the room.  And for the love of all that's holy, can you go to another room to do that when we have company?  The poor lady was gagging!!!  Also, that room at the top of the steps?  The one with the big white thing that holds water that we want to get you in at least every few months? It is called a bathroom, not a dog's house of horrors.  It takes a half hour to get you up the steps (and a lot of dog treats) and then you go protestor limp so I have to get you in the tub.  You are over 100 lbs and I am not that big...work with me because you always feel better when the torture is over.  The new baby kittens are just that , real live baby kittens.  I know they make noises like your favorite chew toy but they are real.  You get so excited when I let you see them and you keep licking them but they are 4 weeks old and they are not sure if you are friend or foe and if you see them as friend or appetizer.  Sit down and let them see you instead of tasting them!

Your pooper scooper and ear scritcher
*inviteseller

[Dr. F.]

Dear Pelon,

Why is it necessary to get a mouthful of kibble from your bowl in the kitchen and t take it to the living room, spit it out on the rug and THEN eat it? It's the same kibble no matter where you eat it. It's not even like you do this only when your sister is guarding her food bowl - you do it all the time!

Your confused mommy

[mmswm]

Dear Pelon,

Why is it necessary to get a mouthful of kibble from your bowl in the kitchen and t take it to the living room, spit it out on the rug and THEN eat it? It's the same kibble no matter where you eat it. It's not even like you do this only when your sister is guarding her food bowl - you do it all the time!

Your confused mommy

Dear Pelon,

It's okay to eat your food that way.  I understand.  I drive my own mommy nuts because I bring my food to the couch and then occasionally lose a piece of kibble between the couch cushions then have to go digging in the couch to find them.

Love,
Lucy

[Julian]

Dear Pelon,

Why is it necessary to get a mouthful of kibble from your bowl in the kitchen and t take it to the living room, spit it out on the rug and THEN eat it? It's the same kibble no matter where you eat it. It's not even like you do this only when your sister is guarding her food bowl - you do it all the time!

Your confused mommy

Dear Pelon

Don't worry, I do that too.  And my sister Molly does it with chunks of wet food.  We like to eat in the loungeroom with the rest of the family.  What's wrong with that?

Also it helps to be in the right place when Mum or Nan finish their meals - hello, leftovers!!!   

Luv
Suzi

[wheeitsme]

Dear Brook,
I am so happy we were able to rescue you last year.  Your former owner was a nice guy who loved you, but at 11, you should no longer be living in a van with a pot head traveling around the country.  I am glad you came in and loved the kids and cats right  away (and surprisingly they love you even though they hadn't been around a dog before).  It is sweet when you let Sophie lick your paws and Lola curls up with you,  you handle Jezebel's mood swings well (yeah, I heard the growl the other day but I chose to ignore it because she had it coming), and you gladly sleep on the hard floor when Mr. B takes your bed and won't let you in.  But...you have a few habits we need to discuss.  You have gained weight in the 8 months since you came to us..yeah you weren't svelte when we got you but we may have been a bit overboard in the treats..sweetheart you no longer have a neck and when you stand on my foot you are crushing it.  Labs are big, but you are supersize and you are on a diet, like it or not.  The new food isn't that bad..you eat cat poop for goodness sakes so you can't be all that picky!  And it may be the food, or the cat poop but darling you can clear a room and I know you are sorry but don't look at us like we are being mean when we are holding our faces and running from the room.  And for the love of all that's holy, can you go to another room to do that when we have company?  The poor lady was gagging!!!  Also, that room at the top of the steps?  The one with the big white thing that holds water that we want to get you in at least every few months? It is called a bathroom, not a dog's house of horrors.  It takes a half hour to get you up the steps (and a lot of dog treats) and then you go protestor limp so I have to get you in the tub.  You are over 100 lbs and I am not that big...work with me because you always feel better when the torture is over.  The new baby kittens are just that , real live baby kittens.  I know they make noises like your favorite chew toy but they are real.  You get so excited when I let you see them and you keep licking them but they are 4 weeks old and they are not sure if you are friend or foe and if you see them as friend or appetizer.  Sit down and let them see you instead of tasting them!

Your pooper scooper and ear scritcher
*inviteseller

Dear Brook,

Has your Mom put in a tub toy with you?  My favorite on is an empty water bottle with the top back on (It won't stay under water no matter how hard I try!)

-Melody Puddles-

[Mental Magpie]

Dear Pelon, Lucy, and Suzi,

I've been doing this since I was a pup.  I think I may have picked up on it from the older dog I lived with for awhile.  It drove my mom nuts because she'd step on pieces all over the house and shout like she had stepped on a lego in her bare feet!  Maybe I just wanted to make sure no one would take my food from me, I don't know, but hearing mom yowl was priceless!

Love,

Skeletor

[greencat]

Dear Brook,

I used to pretend to be the bathrug when I needed a bath, so Daddy had to pick me up, until Mommy and Daddy split up and Mommy decided she was not lifting 80 pounds of Labrador into the tub.  Mommy fed me an entire jar of cat treats while teaching me to get in the tub on command.  I still have to be herded into the bathroom, but once the bathroom door is shut behind me, I will get in the tub when Mommy tells me.  I give her the sadface while she gives me a bath.

Love,
Rocky

Dear Brook,
I am so happy we were able to rescue you last year.  Your former owner was a nice guy who loved you, but at 11, you should no longer be living in a van with a pot head traveling around the country.  I am glad you came in and loved the kids and cats right  away (and surprisingly they love you even though they hadn't been around a dog before).  It is sweet when you let Sophie lick your paws and Lola curls up with you,  you handle Jezebel's mood swings well (yeah, I heard the growl the other day but I chose to ignore it because she had it coming), and you gladly sleep on the hard floor when Mr. B takes your bed and won't let you in.  But...you have a few habits we need to discuss.  You have gained weight in the 8 months since you came to us..yeah you weren't svelte when we got you but we may have been a bit overboard in the treats..sweetheart you no longer have a neck and when you stand on my foot you are crushing it.  Labs are big, but you are supersize and you are on a diet, like it or not.  The new food isn't that bad..you eat cat poop for goodness sakes so you can't be all that picky!  And it may be the food, or the cat poop but darling you can clear a room and I know you are sorry but don't look at us like we are being mean when we are holding our faces and running from the room.  And for the love of all that's holy, can you go to another room to do that when we have company?  The poor lady was gagging!!!  Also, that room at the top of the steps?  The one with the big white thing that holds water that we want to get you in at least every few months? It is called a bathroom, not a dog's house of horrors.  It takes a half hour to get you up the steps (and a lot of dog treats) and then you go protestor limp so I have to get you in the tub.  You are over 100 lbs and I am not that big...work with me because you always feel better when the torture is over.  The new baby kittens are just that , real live baby kittens.  I know they make noises like your favorite chew toy but they are real.  You get so excited when I let you see them and you keep licking them but they are 4 weeks old and they are not sure if you are friend or foe and if you see them as friend or appetizer.  Sit down and let them see you instead of tasting them!

Your pooper scooper and ear scritcher
*inviteseller

[Fliss]

Dear Sam:

We know you're not the brightest bulb in the box. But you have got us a little confuddled.

You race around the back yard at the speed of light, leap off and on the stacked cement slabs under the kitchen windows, piroette on the cement patio like Neucheyev, and out-run a startled rabbit across the school oval.

So HOW on earth are you managing to keep the middle nail on your right front paw so long? Seriously --  every other nail is a short little stub on your well-exercised feet, except that one, which is almost as long as my little finger.

What are you doing? Joining some doggy cult?

Your very curious and slightly impressed hooman.