Dear Baxter:
When we were at the vet as pups, we spoke to one of those cat creatures, and he told us how to avoid the bath at home. When they're lifting you in, you let your back legs drop onto the tub rim, and then use that to push off! We do this so well, our Hoomins take us to one of those special bath places at our favourite pet supply store, where we get to walk into the tub, have a warm water wash, and get blow-dryed and smell-nice wash stuff. And we get given treats afterwards!
Our Hoomins can wash us both in 20 minutes for less than $14. So Baxter, dude, try the drop and push method, it works like a charm.
Rock on Mastiff bro,
Sam and Max, the Demon Twins.