Dear Dog:

[Fliss]

Dear Max

I know your foot hurts, but there's not a lot I can do to help. You've had an aspirin already and you'll get another one in a few hours. Until then, take advantage of the soppy Human and stretch out on the lounge and snooze the day away. It will stop aching soon, I promise.

And this is why we've been mean and stopping you and Sam from charging out the back door. You raced out the door at full run, only to come to a screaming halt waving your foot in the air, because you caught a nail in the mesh across the back step, and tore the nail in 3rds, all the way up to the nail bed.

So, no more racing out the door to try and catch cats lads. From now on, a decorous trot is the way to go. Enjoy being given special treatment for a day or so.

Your Human, who is wincing at how painful it must feel.
 

[mmswm]

Dear Max,

When you're hurt your humans are even more susceptible to the sad puppy dog guilt inducing looks.  You'd be amazed at the number of belly scratches and gushy treats you can get by playing the hurt dog act.

Best Regards,
Lucy

(who's currently curled up on the sofa after having major surgery to save her life two days ago, after playtime with the big dog got a bit too vigorous).

[Fliss]

Dear Lucy,

Oh, you're sooooo right! I got spoonfuls of yummy strawberry yoghurt, little pieces of chicken, a bowl of yummy chicken broth, hunks of bread, and half a tuna sandwich. And I got helped up and down off the bed to sleep.

But I think I might have gotten rumbled when I trotted outside and had a wrestle with Sam today. Mum was frowning and muttering something about a con-artist, whatever that is, as she brought us back inside.

Max, currently snoozing upside down on the lounge.

[Fliss]

Dear Max:

The sympathy period for the torn nail has expired. In fact, it expired some days ago.

This means that you will now revert to your regular discipline schedule. Sitting, putting on a sad puppy face, and waving your paw in the air will no longer get a sympathy pass. Stop trying it on.

The provider of chewies.

[Fliss]

Dear Sam:

You are a dog, not a rabbit. Please cease trying to tunnel through the pillows and stop making nests on the bed. It looks cute, yes, but I've remade the bed 3 times today.

The provider of chewies.

[Julian]

Dear Ella

Please do not consider my bed your own personal playground while I'm at work.  I know you're too little to jump up on your Mummy's bed, but getting onto (and wrecking) mine isn't an alternative.  How on earth can such a small dog disrupt a bed so thoroughly?

Also, you could ease up on shredding paper and cardboard in my bed too.  Thanks.

Love
Your annoyed Auntie.

[JadeAngel]

Dear Scout,

No I haven't forgotten you, how could I you're drooling in my lap. Just a couple of things;

1. You've already had your lunch
2. I am eating soup. Soup is not a sharing food
3. All donations are presented in your food dish once I have finished my lunch because we're trying to teach you not to jump up and beg

Yes I yelled at you for chewing on the power cord because it was plugged in and could kill you so quit sulking. Finally I have no idea what that thing was you dragged in from your walk, but it's covered in mud and smells like you pulled it out of a pile of rotting sardines so it's gone in the outside bin and you're not getting it back no matter how long you search for it.

I love you puppy but we really should have called you 'Snout' not 'Scout' because you're always sticking yours where it doesn't belong.

[mmswm]

Dear Baxter,

It's a bath, not a torture chamber.  I promise you that you'll feel better without 5 pounds of mud and dirt ground into your fur.

Love,
The one who likes to keep you at least sort of clean.

(Have you ever tried to give a reluctant mastiff a bath?  I look like I got into a fight with a weed eater.  And lost.)

[Fliss]

Dear Baxter:

When we were at the vet as pups, we spoke to one of those cat creatures, and he told us how to avoid the bath at home. When they're lifting you in, you let your back legs drop onto the tub rim, and then use that to push off! We do this so well, our Hoomins take us to one of those special bath places at our favourite pet supply store, where we get to walk into the tub, have a warm water wash, and get blow-dryed and smell-nice wash stuff. And we get given treats afterwards!

Our Hoomins can wash us both in 20 minutes for less than $14. So Baxter, dude, try the drop and push method, it works like a charm.

Rock on Mastiff bro,

Sam and Max, the Demon Twins.
 

[gingerzing]

Dear Sadie -
Oh for the love of all noms!  That is the neighbor starting his truck.  Again.  Like he always does.  It is the same truck as it has been ALL your life.  Get over it.  I know he starts it early in the morning.  Your beloved* wanted to sleep for 10 more minutes and did not need the "danger damger" bark alert waking him up. 

Hush already

The one that was already up
*even though I am the feeder, take out for most "times", ....  I am not Beloved.  That would be my DH

[greencat]

Dear Baxter,

It's a bath, not a torture chamber.  I promise you that you'll feel better without 5 pounds of mud and dirt ground into your fur.

Love,
The one who likes to keep you at least sort of clean.

(Have you ever tried to give a reluctant mastiff a bath?  I look like I got into a fight with a weed eater.  And lost.)

Dear Baxter,

I used to increase gravity around me when mommy wanted to give me a bath, and mommy used to make daddy lift me because she can't deadlift 80lbs of weight that is actively forcing itself to the ground.  Mommy decided that she didn't like daddy anymore, and realized she needed to be able to give me a bath on her own, so she got a bottle of treats with a picture of a cat on the outside, and spent a few hours leading me to the bathtub with treats and then giving me lots of treats in the tub.  Now mommy tells me to get in the tub and I do it because I hope she's going to give me treats but most of the time she just gives me a bath instead.

Love,
Rocky the stubborn Labrador.

[pinkflamingo]

Dear Daisy,

I understand that you were awake and bored without your ball. However, frantically scratching at the side of the bed before 6am as if to alert me that Timmy fell down the well will not endear you to me. I put it in your bed last night. It is your fault for relocating it to under the dining room table.

Love,
Your sleepy human

[mmswm]

Dear Sam, Max and Rocky,

I will not give in to the bath! I know the tricks humans use and won't fall fir them. Mommy even tried raw steak, but I knew better. Mommy is also having a hard time finding a new groomer who will take a 125 pound dog, so she's in her own for the moment.

Baxter.

[readingchick]

Dear Marshall (or Madmartigan),

You do not need to bark every time I come up the stairs. It's starting to give me a headache. Seriously. Your furcousins know it's me, why don't you follow their lead?

Your annoyed human

[JadeAngel]

Dear Scout,

Told you you didn't like bell peppers stuffed with feta... bet next time you'll think twice before stealing food off my plate. In the meantime if rubbing your face on the carpet to take the taste away isn't working try visiting your water dish.

Serves you right.

Love

Me.