News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • October 18, 2017, 10:44:43 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home  (Read 2336 times)

1 Member and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

siamesecat2965

  • Member
  • Posts: 9055
Re: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home
« Reply #45 on: October 16, 2017, 11:11:12 AM »
I just read the article regarding guardianship in Nevada.  My experience with my Mother happened in Virginia over 15 years ago.  At that time my sisters and I consulted an attorney and also my Mother's doctor about the matter of encouraging her and her husband to move into a retirement home.  We were told in no uncertain terms that as long as the two of them refused we had only one recourse.  We could go into court and try to become their guardians, but would most likely fail and end up spending tons of money, and a good deal of time, without a good outcome.  The Nevada story is very frightening and obviously was fraud involving many people.

Yes. I do know that in many cases, guardianships for the elderly are done, without issue. When my grandmother was in a nursing home, there was a gentleman with dementia there, no family and he had quite significant assets. his guardian was an attorney, and while he never had any visitors, he was well taken care of.

metallicafan

  • Member
  • Posts: 692
Re: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home
« Reply #46 on: October 16, 2017, 05:38:17 PM »
I am pretty interested in this thread too, my parents are 86, and my dad has dementia.
Oldest brother lives next door, but is not much of a help to them.  Older brother lives with them, but is not competent to assist in making major life decisions for them.
I live an hour away, but go there as much as I can and will help them as much as I am able.

Mom insists that she is not ready to move yet.  Sigh.

Gladly

  • Member
  • Posts: 139
Re: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home
« Reply #47 on: Yesterday at 05:51:49 AM »
My neighbour is in the process of finding a place for her 86 year old mother, who cannot manage on her own any more.  They have visited 2 homes and are due to visit a couple more in the next week.  I asked her mother what she thought of the places she has seen.  Her answer "I'm not going to either of those. They're for old people!"   :D

o_gal

  • Member
  • Posts: 1064
Re: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home
« Reply #48 on: Yesterday at 06:40:13 AM »
My neighbour is in the process of finding a place for her 86 year old mother, who cannot manage on her own any more.  They have visited 2 homes and are due to visit a couple more in the next week.  I asked her mother what she thought of the places she has seen.  Her answer "I'm not going to either of those. They're for old people!"   :D

It seems funny, but that attitude gets so many senior citizens in trouble.

In my and my DH's case, there's a 180 degree difference in what our parents chose to do.

DH's parents were the ones with blinders on. They kept saying that they wanted to stay in their 100 year old house until it was no longer safe for them to do so. Ummm, we hate to break it to you, but it's already unsafe. MIL had horrible health problems, and kept falling. FIL did not have the strength to lift her, so they always had to call 911. At one point, it was easier to bring a portable toilet into the living room so MIL would not have to walk the 20 feet to the bathroom, even with a walker.

Then MIL fell very badly, and ended up in the hospital because her hip hurt so much. Not broken, but they discovered that along the way she developed an inability to urinate. That kept her in the hospital's short-term rehab facility for 12 weeks, until the family had to find longer term care. When she was released, they convinced the hospital and new rehab facility that FIL could drive her to it, that they didn't want to use the wheelchair transport vehicle. That was a ruse to get her back home instead. The home built during WWI with tons of stairs - you have to go up stairs just to get in the house. She couldn't even get out of the car. So she went off to the nursing rehab and was actually making progress there, but then insisted on leaving and staying with SIL, who had an IL suite in her home (built purposefully for her parents to live in but they still wanted to stay in their home.) She passed away just a month later from her built up health problems.

FIL went back to live in their house. He's 94 now, and last month he was supposed to move to SIL's permanently. We'll see how "permanent" that move is. He doesn't drive, he can hardly walk, and he's a type 2 diabetic who will often just eat cookies for dinner because it's easy and they're delicious. We all figure that at 94, if he wants to eat cookies for dinner and it's obviously not causing problems, go ahead. He's like a Timex watch - just keeps on ticking.

My parents, OTOH, had to move when my brother and SIL moved (skipping long story about how he's the golden child.) We knew they would end up in the retirement village just across the major road from brother and SIL, but supposedly they looked at all the other retirement centers in the area. They researched their options, and picked the obvious one because they could get an independent living cottage. They spent about 6 months downsizing to move into what is essentially a 1 bedroom apartment sized place. There is a buy-in for the village, but that means that they can move smoothly from independent living to various levels of assisted living, then on to various levels of nursing care. If needed, there is a memory care unit if either of them develops dementia. All of that moving is guaranteed with the buy-in. They pay a monthly fee/rent, and that covers all the utilities, garbage and recycling pickup, lawn care, and maintenance. All of their assets are in a living trust, so when both have passed on, it will be a simple process to settle their estate.

I love my ILs, but I really, really love my parents for making this so much easier on me and brother!  :D

siamesecat2965

  • Member
  • Posts: 9055
Re: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home
« Reply #49 on: Yesterday at 08:08:44 AM »
My neighbour is in the process of finding a place for her 86 year old mother, who cannot manage on her own any more.  They have visited 2 homes and are due to visit a couple more in the next week.  I asked her mother what she thought of the places she has seen.  Her answer "I'm not going to either of those. They're for old people!"   :D

It seems funny, but that attitude gets so many senior citizens in trouble.

In my and my DH's case, there's a 180 degree difference in what our parents chose to do.

DH's parents were the ones with blinders on. They kept saying that they wanted to stay in their 100 year old house until it was no longer safe for them to do so. Ummm, we hate to break it to you, but it's already unsafe. MIL had horrible health problems, and kept falling. FIL did not have the strength to lift her, so they always had to call 911. At one point, it was easier to bring a portable toilet into the living room so MIL would not have to walk the 20 feet to the bathroom, even with a walker.

Then MIL fell very badly, and ended up in the hospital because her hip hurt so much. Not broken, but they discovered that along the way she developed an inability to urinate. That kept her in the hospital's short-term rehab facility for 12 weeks, until the family had to find longer term care. When she was released, they convinced the hospital and new rehab facility that FIL could drive her to it, that they didn't want to use the wheelchair transport vehicle. That was a ruse to get her back home instead. The home built during WWI with tons of stairs - you have to go up stairs just to get in the house. She couldn't even get out of the car. So she went off to the nursing rehab and was actually making progress there, but then insisted on leaving and staying with SIL, who had an IL suite in her home (built purposefully for her parents to live in but they still wanted to stay in their home.) She passed away just a month later from her built up health problems.

FIL went back to live in their house. He's 94 now, and last month he was supposed to move to SIL's permanently. We'll see how "permanent" that move is. He doesn't drive, he can hardly walk, and he's a type 2 diabetic who will often just eat cookies for dinner because it's easy and they're delicious. We all figure that at 94, if he wants to eat cookies for dinner and it's obviously not causing problems, go ahead. He's like a Timex watch - just keeps on ticking.

My parents, OTOH, had to move when my brother and SIL moved (skipping long story about how he's the golden child.) We knew they would end up in the retirement village just across the major road from brother and SIL, but supposedly they looked at all the other retirement centers in the area. They researched their options, and picked the obvious one because they could get an independent living cottage. They spent about 6 months downsizing to move into what is essentially a 1 bedroom apartment sized place. There is a buy-in for the village, but that means that they can move smoothly from independent living to various levels of assisted living, then on to various levels of nursing care. If needed, there is a memory care unit if either of them develops dementia. All of that moving is guaranteed with the buy-in. They pay a monthly fee/rent, and that covers all the utilities, garbage and recycling pickup, lawn care, and maintenance. All of their assets are in a living trust, so when both have passed on, it will be a simple process to settle their estate.

I love my ILs, but I really, really love my parents for making this so much easier on me and brother!  :D

Your parents sound like my mom! She's in a similar type place, although her continued care is not guaranteed; she didn't' want to tie up all her assets like that. But there are different levels of care, and as long as she has the means, she can transition from one to the next, etc. as needed and not have to move somewhere else. In the two years she's been there, a number of people she knows have done just that, including both of her neighbors. What's nice too is that even though she's in an independent apt, she is able to take advantage of services which are geared towards those who are not quite as independent. For example, she needed bloodwork. while she is perfectly capable of going up to the health center, they came to her apt! And she needed PT for her shoulder, she went there. It really is nice, and I'm very comfortable with her being there and happy shes closer to me.

I was a bit concerned about her going from a decent sized house, to a 1BR apt, but she's made the transition very well! She's also begun to "slow down" every so slightly, so i think having less space is actually a good thing. She has what she wants/needs, and is happy. She's also taken all the necessary steps to ensure when she passes, the settling of her estate will be as painless as possible.

Twik

  • Member
  • Posts: 28822
Re: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home
« Reply #50 on: Yesterday at 08:46:25 AM »
When my mother was clearly not physically strong enough to be on her own in a big four-bedroom house, she agree to go into a retirement home. I checked some out, and picked one that appeared to be really nice - I told them I'd like to move in as well. Unfortunately, the week she was due to move in she took a very bad turn and had to go to a nursing home instead. But the retirement home seemed like it would have been a nice option for her - enough independence to feel it's a real home, but there would always be someone around who could check on her, make sure she was eating, and do necessary chores such as cleaning.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

amandaelizabeth

  • Member
  • Posts: 967
    • Amanda's home based ece
Re: Your experience about sending a relative to a retirement home
« Reply #51 on: Yesterday at 05:27:09 PM »
My father was adamant that he would not go into a nursing home.  When it became obvious that Mum could not cope any longer, we persuaded him, that it was for her benefit that they move into one. After 6 weeks cue Dad moaning that we should have shifted them earlier as there was so much to do, and some things he could have enjoyed when his health was better!  It was probably too early for Mum to go, but she was having a ball going to special interest groups, leading activities and organising outings for the 'old people (she was 84).We never did find out exactly what Dad was afraid would happen, but his last years were happy and fulfilled so we were happy too.