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S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

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Dear Mo,

Dive bombing me from the overhang over the front door when I haven't had my coffee yet is a bad idea.  Please wait until a little later in the day to try these sorts of tricks.

She who makes sure you get your 5am ear scritchies.

Dear Polycarp,

You don't like people, other than me, you run for you life when the doorbell rings - so why, why, why, did you decide to make my lunch guest (also my boss) your best friend?  He's allergic to you and you wouldn't leave him alone. 


she who provides the food and water

Dear Harley and Mischief,

Your human brother has found a kitten and he is going to bring it home next weekend. You need to be nice during your supervised visits, or she will live in his bedroom forever. I know you two are getting up there in age, but this kitty needs a home.



Dear Kitties (as a group)
Every time I walk towards the kitchen does NOT mean I am going to feed you again.  You are old enough now to know you get breakfast in the morning, dinner at dinner time.  Also trying to outrun me down the steps when I am carrying a laundry hamper is not the fun game you think it is. 
Dear Mr. B- I have had you since you were 10 days old, raising you and your litter mates.  I know you love me and appreciate this, but honestly quit sleeping you fat butt on my face!  And the plastic bag fetish?  I am not happy when woken up at 3 am because you pulled one down and got it stuck on your neck and are now racing through the house in a panic.
Miss Sophie - I love you sweetheart, I really do and I know you appreciate me rescuing you, but you are not the only cat in the house.  You cannot be up my bum 24/7 and hitting the kids when I am interacting with them is just petty.
Miss Lola-You are never getting out of kittendom, are you???  You are so pretty and sweet, but at 3 can you stop acting like a doofus kitten?  Jumping out to scare the others, chasing them up and down the steps..they don't like it!!!  And the first trip in the morning when I get up is to the potty, not your food dish so please stop trying to walk in front of me to stop me...the end result isn't pretty.
Miss Jezebel - You are a cutie and quite possibly the most annoying cat I have ever had in my life (and there have been many)..Quit screeching at the door morning, noon and night!  You were an indoor only cat when I took you in and I am not changing that!  And when you sneak out, I don't like the get kitty from under the bushes game you play !  And quit being nice to the dog one minute, slapping her the next.  She is pretty easy going but she growled at you the other day..that may have been your warning!
The feral cat and her 2- 4 week kittens I am fostering in a spare room- Yes, someone dumped you and you have been having lots of babies, but I saved your kittens from mean people, found you and got you reunited with them  tried to save the sick ones, and now you have a warm place to stay and an endless supply of good food...would it kill you to quit making those noises at me every time I walk into the room?  I know you want to kill me, but geez louise, I am being nice!  The babies like me!

Your faithful servant

Outdoor Girl:
Dear Sassy:

It is not necessary for you to yowl and paw at my door every morning at 6:30.  I have an alarm set for 7:00; I can get up on my own.

Cut it out!  Or cat soup may soon be on the menu...

Your sleep deprived owner staff


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