The afghan on the back of the couch doesn't like you like that. I don't know what made you suddenly decide that you liked her like that, but quit it. Also, when you try to make sweet, passionate love to your "girlfriend", and you stare right at me the entire time, I find it deeply unsettling. Please stop that as well. And yes, I will continue to pull you off of her because that's just gross, buddy. Srsly.
P.S. We're tired of seeing your lipstick too. Yeah I imagine it does chafe, for Pete's sake, the blanket's made of synthetic yarn, you dork.
Dear Bandita (sister of Chaz),
You need to leave me alone while I work. I realize that me taking my eyes and adoration away from your voluptuous form for more than two minutes is simply unbearable and inexcusable, but if I can't work, than you can't become even more corpulent. Wait... maybe I should stop working in that case. But at any rate, I need you to cease and desist with the following annoying/obnoxious behavior:
1) Biting my hands really hard when I do go to pet you. You wonder why you get smacked, that's why.
2) Jumping up and yanking my arm down with both front paws wrapped around my arm in a bid for attention, only to walk away when I do go to pet you. Perhaps you realize you're going to get swatted for that one, too.
3) Clawing up my back in a bid for attention. You've ruined 3 shirts already. Stop.
4) Launching yourself at my face in a last-ditch bid for attention. This never ends well for you, and I don't understand why you keep doing it. You know how your brother just comes up to me is all, "Hey, can I get some pettin's?" and I'm like, "Of course you can, buddy." and then we come out of it feeling mutually validated and loved? I need you to try for that a little more. I love you so much, but you're really obnoxious sometimes, and that's why I lock my office door.
--Love you both to kibble bits,