S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[finecabernet]

Thanks for resurrecting this. In anticipation of my dupe entry getting closed, here's my entry.

Apologies if there's already a "Dear Cat" thread somewhere on here, but I couldn't find one, so here it goes.

Dear Cats:

I love you all, and even though there's far to many of you in my shoebox apartment, cannot imagine life without you. However, there's a few habits we need to work on to make life easier for all of us.

Dear Orange and White Cat
--You are my shadow, you follow me everywhere I go. I'd like to be the first to tell you that sidling up to my feet can (and has, quite often) get you stepped on. Plus, it may endanger my life if I'm on the top of the stairs. No me may equal SPCA for you if your designated guardians get cold feet. Also, showers and going to the bathroom are solitary activities. There is no need for you to supervise. You are, however, a great "living stuffed animal," especially since I wake up with you curled up in my arms each morning.

Dear Tortoiseshell
--You've had a tough time of it, my onetime feral cat. You've come quite a long way. But I hope you would know and trust me well enough by now not to run for your life whenever I approach the kitchen, or any room for that matter. It's been five years and I've never so much as raised my voice to you. It's time to move on from your earlier traumas. Also, I appreciate that among your many issues--dandruff, halitosis, gassiness, constantly running eyes--you also sneeze a lot. I just wish you would point your sneezes to one of your feline siblings. I get grossed out by the constant stream of cat snot that comes my way. But I'm so pleased to have gained your trust and love. You are a precious gift, my onetime "Lucifer" kitty.

Dear Tuxedo
--You are the Mary Poppins of cats...practically perfect in every way. Your endless dignity is admirable. However, I wish that you could manage not to shed gigantic clumps of black hair everywhere. Also, is there anyway you could turn color, even if it is just to get a few extra white spots. In the dark I can't tell the difference between you and a pile of clothes.

Dear Tabby
--You are 12 but still as small as a kitten. And unfortunately Orange Cat terrorizes you and you hide under the bed. I only see you during meal times...my meals. My one complaint with you, my hairy princess, is that you WILL NOT let me brush you. This is becoming a problem, especially since you keep coughing up one hairball after another. I'm done with chasing you all over the house, too, to cut off your mats. Your revenge tactic on my favorite shirt last year did not go unnoticed, and was most certainly not appreciated. However, I adore you. I just wish you wouldn't fight me so much when I go to pick you up and kiss you.

Love, Human Mommy

[Fee]

Dear Cat.

Why with the boxes? Especially the ones I am currently packing!! You aren't helping (unless helping me procrastinate is concidered helping). I can't take you with me either, and even if I could, for some reason I don't think that being packed into a box and hauled across country should be your first choice for travel.

Love your mummy.

[Chinchillazilla]

Dear Manny,
Your big fluffy white tummy is irresistible. Please stop exposing it and then attacking people who innocently stroke it. What are you, a venus flytrap?
Love,
Me

Why are you writing to my cat? And why are you calling him Manny? His name is Mayonnaise 

  Hahaha, Manny's actually a girl (her name was Maggie, but my baby cousin could only say "Manny" and she actually answers to it).

I think Mayonnaise is an adorable name for a cat.

[jazzywoo]

Dear Puss,

You know I've put your litterbox in the bathroom because it's the only 'wet area' in my unit. 

When I'm using the facilities, I feel kind of creeped out when you waltz in, have a look at me, and think 'Hey, that's a good idea, I'll go too!'.

I'm also not much up for you jumping up on my lap in the same situation for a cuddle.  There are far more appropriate times.

Scratching the shower screen will not spread your litter.

I let you outside for a couple of hours EVERY day. You know that. If you could refrain from begging to come inside to use your litterbox, that would be appreciated as well.

And finally, I still cannot understand why the best face rubs you receive are from my steaming hot, completely full coffee mug.  Hot coffee hurts me!

Love, your slave.

[sparklestar]

Dear Sparkle,

Mummy knows when you climb up the chimney.  I know you fastidiously go find the most expensive rug and roll on it till you are clean, but when you climb up and knock down soot, your little grimy footprints tell me exactly where you have been, as does the big smudge on the carpet! 

My next plea is for your own safety, please don't kill the wasps.  They will kill mummy if they sting her and I suspect make you very very ill.  We leave the wasps alone with the windows open and doors closed until they decide to fly out.  We do not pry the door open, launch ourselves at them, claws out, whilst yowling like a harpie.  Not only is it not very ladylike, it's also very dangerous. 

Lastly, don't bite daddy - he doesn't understand you are a lethal predator and liable to kill at any second.  He just gets cross and shouts at you.  And then you run to me for hugs and he shouts at me too!  Mark my words, there will be NO hugs when you bite daddy and he yells at you, it is your own fault.

Love,
your person

[ginlyn32]

Dear Buddy the Cat:

Yes, Mommy loves you very much. But please to stop pouncing on me at o'dark:30 a.m.! Mommy loves her sleep and is very cranky to be woken up before she has to. You have a full food feeder and water feeder.

Please to stop checking what I am doing on the big round seat with the hole in it. No, you may NOT drink out of it!

My computer is not a cat toy. You have lots of mousies and bell-balls...go play with  those.

No, I am not going to abandon you every time I leave the house. You do not need to follow me around and get in between my feet. I almost tripped on you.

And I must apologize in advance...you are loosing your boy parts on Thursday! But I will buy you lots of kitty treats and give you lots of hugs and kisses.

Love Mommy

(ginlyn)

[StaciNadia]

Dear Manny,
Your big fluffy white tummy is irresistible. Please stop exposing it and then attacking people who innocently stroke it. What are you, a venus flytrap?
Love,
Me

Why are you writing to my cat? And why are you calling him Manny? His name is Mayonnaise 

  Hahaha, Manny's actually a girl (her name was Maggie, but my baby cousin could only say "Manny" and she actually answers to it).

I think Mayonnaise is an adorable name for a cat.

Do we all have the same cat?  I'd swear you were writing to my Cookie!  The most precious belly, but he scratches and bites if you dare to touch it most of the time (sometimes he lets me)!

[Hushabye]

Dear Tesla,

I know how much you'd love to sleep in the bedroom with us at night, all snuggled up like the little family we are, but it's really only going to work if you can tone down the purr from "jet engine" to "light rumble."  Otherwise you just keep waking us up, and that's not good for anyone.

Love,
SS

Dear Prometheus,

With you, it's not the purring.  You weren't doing any of that last night.  But the pouncing on any moving body part under the covers?  Uncool and unlikely to get you bedroom privileges.  Just sayin'.

Love,
SS

[snowfire]

Dear Scooter,

I know that you are a very independent kitty.  That is why I really value the time you are willing to spend cuddling with me in bed. However, I would really appreciate it if you didn't hit the bed like a fighter jet coming in on a carrier.  Walking up is more likely to get a nice response.

Love,
Momcat

Dear Smudge kitten,

Doing a warp speed bank shot off my butt in the middle of the night will get you booted out of the bedroom. It will get you booted even faster if we are...otherwise occupied....

Love,
Momcat

P.S.  I really think it's adorable how you put your arms around my neck, bury your nose in my hair and purr your heart out.  I really love you, baby girl.

[mechtilde]

Dear Magnus,

Please, please pretty please will you stop wandering around under my feet? I really don't want to tread on you.

It would also be appreciated if you would either  1) start washing again, or 2) let me cut the knots off your tummy without savaging me.

Oh and eat. Please.

Mechtilde

[ChristiKayAnn]

Dear Neko and Kichi,

You are not starving. there is food in both, yes I said both, of the gravity feeders. Following me around yelling while I get dressed for the day because you want your treat food is annoying. It is even more annoying when I fix your treat food for you and you sniff it look at me like I am trying to poisin you and walk away. especially when I come home from work and both plates are licked clean so I know you actually like the treat food you just have to act like stuck up little snobs. I love you to pieces but really kitty-girls you are being irritating,

Love,
Mama

Ps. Kichi, I changed the food because Neko was growling at the old brand and wouldn't eat it. Unlike you she doesn't have any weight to loose in fact she could stand to gain about a pound. If you don't like the change eat the dry stuff or complain at your sister not me.

[Lynnv]

Boy-cats,

We need to have a talk.  I know you like the screened in porch.  Really-yelling at the door will not convince me to let you out any faster.  In fact, it makes me want to avoid the door altogether.

Bob-we have bought you beds.  We have bought you kitty towers.  We have bought you toys.  You have now decided that a cardboard box is your favorite sleeping spot/toy.  And that is okay.  But you need to understand that, when you use a box as a toy, it falls apart.  Soon you will have neither bed nor toy.  And don't come complaining to me when that happens, okay?  Also-reaching out of the box to sharpen your claws on the computer chair is not as stealthy as you think it is.

Harry-you do not become invisible when you hide under things.  A 16 pound cat hiding under a little sleeping pad is NOT invisi-cat.  Honestly, you are hanging out at both ends.  And in the middle.  And you make a big lump.  Bob isn't fooled either-and he does know you are there if you take a swipe at his tail when he goes by.

Both of you-you sleep all day.  Then you want to spend all night playing and cuddling.  That doesn't work for us-we have to go to work every day.  Let's see what we can do about staying up a little more in the day, and sleeping a little more at night, okay?

I am glad that you came to live with us and, after your former home, it is wonderful that you have settled in with us so well.  I am amazed at how friendly you are, that you don't have litter box problems, and that you are just the sweetest kitties on the planet.  But please, please, please, let me go potty and shower alone.  I don't harass you when you go to the bathroom or bathe, do I?

(see page 2 of the newsletter for the boy-cats story, if you are interested).
http://www.tablemountainanimals.org/tablemountaintales.pdf

Lynn  (she who throws tennis balls for you to chase)

[Hushabye]

Dear boys,

Yes, that substance that I tracked into the house from the flowerbed last night does indeed appear to be catnip.  No, you did not need to fight over who got to lay in the last spot of it there on the floor.  And yes, I am going to get you harnesses on my way home so that you can go out and roll in the gloriousness outside to get your fix rather than trying to lick it off the floor.  Who knows, maybe I'll even transplant some of it permanently into the flowerbed for you...  (But only for the lulz! )

Love,
SS

[8cowwife]

Dear Flower,

That thing at the end of your body is your tail.  It is now and will always be permanently attached to your body.  Chasing it won't make it go away, it only makes us laugh at you while you run in circles.  It's even more entertaining to hear you jumping around in the tub trying to catch your tail.

Dear Thumper,

Quit sitting at the door meowing sadly and looking at me with the kitty cat eyes.  I know you only want to go outside to eat grass, come back in and then barf it back up.  Usually right in my path to the bathroom from the bed, and always in the middle of the night.  Other than that we love your big cute fluffiness.

Love, me 

[katcheya]

Dear B'deine,

I was very glad to learn that you accepted me back into your good graces after last night's unfortunate incident (i.e. bathtime.)  I do appreciate that you let me know right away, as opposed to letting things drag on forever while passive-aggressively eyeing me from afar.  However, may I kindly request that you improve upon the means to which you made your acceptance clear?  Being awoken at 4:00 AM by claws digging into my back wasn't exactly the best way to start the day.  I understand that, when we make up, you enjoy cuddling up to me.  Deciding that my back is the best place to lie down and demonstrate your cuddly affection, while I lay sleeping on my tummy, wasn't exactly the wisest choice as rolling over in bed is something that humans do very often.

Hugs and love,

katcheya