I know you loved your kittens, and i know you have never quite forgiven me for sacrifficing them to the evil metal animals in the street, but I assure you, they are in a better place* So please, stop trying to nurse the guinea pigs/chihuahuas/amigurumis. First, you have no milk. Second, none of the things you present your bewbs to WANT your milk. So cut it out.
For some reason the picture of your cat trying to nurse guinea pigs made me totally squeee! Maybe she was meant to be a foster mommy- perhaps you could foster kittens and, while she can't nurse them, she could teach them how to grow up to be proper, respectable cats who know how to correctly control their humans. Heck, she could probably raise any baby animal to be a proper cat lol.
Yes mummy luuuurves you. Yes I can hear you calling. Yes, I know you want to be fed right neauuoowwww
. But the thing is, I just fed you. Yes I did. Just five minutes ago. I saw you eat it all up. With my very own eyes. I know you think you're starving, but every time I weigh you, you weigh more. The vet says that if you don't lose weight you'll get arthritis, so no, I'm not going to feed you. Sorry, pleasedon'tkillme.
I know you miss me when I'm sleeping at night. I'm sorry I can't have you in my room but SeriousCat has gotten tired of being woken up in the middle of the night because you've pressed your butt into his face and err.. passed wind. It's not a ladylike thing to do, and I'm not sure why you think he'd appreciate it.
Also, while I'm happy to blow on your paws to warm them up, please do not push said paws into my mouth. I saw
you heading right over from the litter box. Yes, with my eyes. Yes the same eyes that saw you fed five minutes ago. No they are not defective.
P.S. Please do not to say rude words like hairballs or tail-sniffer when young children are over, okay?