S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[MerryCat]

I know you loved your kittens, and i know you have never quite forgiven me for sacrifficing them to the evil metal animals in the street, but I assure you, they are in a better place* So please, stop trying to nurse the guinea pigs/chihuahuas/amigurumis. First, you have no milk. Second, none of the things you present your bewbs to WANT your milk. So cut it out.

For some reason the picture of your cat trying to nurse guinea pigs made me totally squeee! Maybe she was meant to be a foster mommy- perhaps you could foster kittens and, while she can't nurse them, she could teach them how to grow up to be proper, respectable cats who know how to correctly control their humans. Heck, she could probably raise any baby animal to be a proper cat lol.

Dear Sophie,

Yes mummy luuuurves you. Yes I can hear you calling. Yes, I know you want to be fed right neauuoowwww. But the thing is, I just fed you. Yes I did. Just five minutes ago. I saw you eat it all up. With my very own eyes. I know you think you're starving, but every time I weigh you, you weigh more. The vet says that if you don't lose weight you'll get arthritis, so no, I'm not going to feed you. Sorry, pleasedon'tkillme.

I know you miss me when I'm sleeping at night. I'm sorry I can't have you in my room but SeriousCat has gotten tired of being woken up in the middle of the night because you've  pressed your butt into his face and err.. passed wind. It's not a ladylike thing to do, and I'm not sure why you think he'd appreciate it.

Also, while I'm happy to blow on your paws to warm them up, please do not push said paws into my mouth. I saw you heading right over from the litter box. Yes, with my eyes. Yes the same eyes that saw you fed five minutes ago. No they are not defective.

kthanksbabai!

Mummy

P.S. Please do not to say rude words like hairballs or tail-sniffer when young children are over, okay?

[nalapuppy]

Dear Pretty, Turbo, and Squeaky,

I am sorry for bringing home that big mean crazy (adorable) puppy.  All she wants to do is play with you and love you.  Peeing on the floor is not going to make her go away.  Neither is glaring at us all the time.  She is here to stay.

Don't forget, you are cats.... you rule the universe... one day that little puppy will bow down to you.

love,
your obedient servant

[Bookgirl]

Dear Smokey~

I love you.  I'm so happy you came to join our family back in May.  I also know that you are only 7 months old and the world is just such.an.exciting.place. 

Please though, please stop with the nightime kitty Olympics.  I know that you are very good at the 'race down the hallway as fast as you can' event, the 'jump on sleeping feet' event and the 'take up all of my pillow while I'm trying to sleep' event.  You are extremely good at all of those events but really, it's not our year to host the Olympics. 

Also, please stop trying to wrestle Killian.  He is much older than you and it's very obvious that he does not want to wrestle.  Just leave him be.  No really, I can't take much more of his 'why did you do this to me' looks. 

Dear Killian~

I'm sorry.  Please still love me. 

Love,
Mommy.   

[AprilRenee]

Dear Baby,

Please stop jumping in the shower and licking up the shower water when I'm done in there. Really, you should learn now, it's not tasty and it makes you puke. I Am tired of cleaning up soapy cat puke. Really.

Dear Squeaker,
Please, make up your mind. Don't jump into my lap and purr all sweet like and then turn into raging psycho kitty from hell, hissing and growling with teeth and claws. Do you want to snuggle or not? 12 years later I'm still not sure if I'm going to be loved on or eaten.

[Giggity]

Dear Luigi-cat

Sitting close to son while he lies on the the floor and then passing wind was probably not intentional but he did change colour.

Dear Son

Cats do not understand revenge. Having your brother hold down luigi-cat so you can fart on him is not acceptable.

By the way, I was snorting with anger not laughing when I came across the above.

Bigozzy

Dude, Ozzy, that is freakin' hilarious! I just had a coughing fit from laughing so hard.

[Dazi]

Dear Evil Princess (aka, my DH's real wife...according to her anyway),
I know you love lying in my fresh, warm from the dryer clothes.  I don't even mind you laying in them...I have gotten used to the cat hair.  However, next time you feel the urge to get rid of a hairball, get.out.of the.basket.  I do not want to have to rewash my freshly washed laundry again.


Dear We-moo,
I know you have food, so stop pawing my leg (she is doing this right now).  I know SquishyMooMoo taught you how to ambush me and now it is your favorite new game, but I do not appreciate having the crap scared outta me at 3 am.


Dear SquishyMooMoo (my cat, not the poster),
I forgive for running outside and me having to chase you down in 4 inch heels.  The dead lizard presents are not necessary.  I know you love me.

Also, could you please refrain from sniffing/licking/or pawing any part of my body while I am asleep?  I woke up with a rawish red mark on my forehead where you deemed it necessary to *clean* me.

Stop teaching We-moo things, she thinks she is funny.

Love,
Momma

[CeeBee]

Dear Cat,

I do not know what sort of radar you have that lets you know I have placed the bathmat on the floor when I take a shower but you always manage to be on it within 90 seconds. I do, however, know how mad you made DF when you clawed his foot after he tried to remove your fat furry butt so he could hang the bathmat up.

Also, please do not use my expensive tissue wrapped Roger & Gallet soaps as toys. I don't understand why you like the Blue Lotus ones so much because you also think that maggot ridden dead birds also smell nice.

Scratching under the bed at 4am does get you fed (sometimes) but don't blame me if I miss your bowl a little bit. It's dark, I'm incredibly near sighted without my specs and my eyes are shut anyway. You can still eat the biscuits on the floor you know.

And yes, on the odd occasion I have purposefully left the lid on the nearly empty tuna tin bent at an angle so your head gets a little bit stuck when you snarf the leftovers up.
No, it has nothing to do with the points above, nothing at all...

Love CeeBee and Mad Dad.

[Mad Goat Woman]

Dear Tink

While you are loved and adored by me and grandma, we do not appreciate it when you do your savage cat thing. You go from being sweetness and light to bitey, savage cat in under three seconds. Yes, we realise your father was more than likely a feral cat who happened to knock your mother up, but grandma and mummy do not appreciate that part of your behaviour. So can you please stop the savage cat business?

Love,
Mummy

[guihong]

Dear Blackie and Misty:

I know you have superior night vision.  Please understand that: 1) you are black, and grey respectively, and 2) humans can't see that well in the dark, let alone two kitties perfectly blended in.  It isn't fair to yowl, scare me half to death and back again, and sulk.

Just because I am sitting at the computer, fooling around, does not mean my lap is automatically open for pettings (well...all right, it mostly is  )

You two are also hosting the Kitty Olympics in my apartment.  The Hall Dash, the High Climb, and the singing contests are not appreciated.

Please, if the kibble feeder is empty, just come and stare at me with berefit eyes.  It is really not necessary to break into the pantry and chew a hole in the bag.

Thank you and many scritches,
Mom

[MightyMouse]

Dear Princess, 
We love you dearly, and we love the fact that you are the cuddliest kitty we've ever had.  But your claws, Tweetums, are sharp.  You are by far the pointiest kitty of the bunch.  We don't mind you climbing on our laps to cuddle, or even fluffing us, but please, keep the claws in as much as possible.  I'm starting to look like a pincushion.

Love,
Sissy MightyMouse

Dear Gary,
I know life has been rather lonely since Bonnie and Clyde passed, Snugglebunny, I know you miss them.  But the hiding has to stop.  Please stop being so neurotic.  We want you back to normal as much as possible, feistiness and all.

Love,
Sissy MightyMouse

[bigozzy]

Dear Luigi-cat

Sitting close to son while he lies on the the floor and then passing wind was probably not intentional but he did change colour.

Dear Son

Cats do not understand revenge. Having your brother hold down luigi-cat so you can fart on him is not acceptable.

By the way, I was snorting with anger not laughing when I came across the above.

Bigozzy

Thank you.
Twin boys and 'special' cats are a laugh a minute.

Is anyone else's cat stinky or is it just ours? Luigi is the master of silent but deadly emmissions yet his sister, who eats exactly the same food, is not.

Maybe it is just a boy thing.

Dude, Ozzy, that is freakin' hilarious! I just had a coughing fit from laughing so hard.

[JonGirl]

Dear Luigi-cat

Sitting close to son while he lies on the the floor and then passing wind was probably not intentional but he did change colour.

Dear Son

Cats do not understand revenge. Having your brother hold down luigi-cat so you can fart on him is not acceptable.

By the way, I was snorting with anger not laughing when I came across the above.

Bigozzy

Thank you.
Twin boys and 'special' cats are a laugh a minute.

Is anyone else's cat stinky or is it just ours? Luigi is the master of silent but deadly emmissions yet his sister, who eats exactly the same food, is not.

Maybe it is just a boy thing.

Dude, Ozzy, that is freakin' hilarious! I just had a coughing fit from laughing so hard.

wheres that smiley that rolls around laughing?

[Craftyone]

Dear Gomez,

I will feed you as I do every morning after my alarm goes off. You are not starving, and your histrionics will not get you canned food any earlier. So knock it off!

TIA
Sway

Gomez could be a long distant relation of my purr kid.  Just because the sun is coming up doesn't mean you have to be fed immediately and wake up your "brother" (our dalmatian) as well so you both come into the bedroom to mum's side of the bed, while dad gets to sleep on in bliss.  FYI - the sun is coming up around 5:30 and my alarm goes off at 6:00

[Bethalize]

Dear Tarquin Cat,

I'm sorry about the duct tape on your tail. I know it's annoying but it's only on there because you refused to wear the buster collar the vet gave you, refused to wear the expensive fancy soft collar I got you and kept on attacking the bandage with your teeth. At least the bandage under the duct tape remains in tact. I'm sorry that your tail hurts sometimes but since the door incident you need to let it heal. Thank goodness we got you insured!

Love Mummy

Dear Nero Cat,

I love you too, you are very cuddly when I see you. It would be nice to see more of you though. Maybe for an hour in the evenings?

Love Mummy

Dear Both,

If you ever let on I refer to myself as your Mummy it's the RSPCA for you. I know I didn't give birth to you but I just love you both so much.

Love

Human owner

[bigozzy]

Dear Luigi

Looking at the bowl and meowing does not bring food.

looking at the bowl, then licking it also does not bring food.

Swatting the bowl, meowing and then sitting in the bowl also does not bring food.

Sniffing you sister's backside and then going to the bowl and repeating all of the above does not bring food.

Doing the ears back, slow walk of doom under my feet while I am carrying hot things from the oven just might bring food but not in the manner you expected.

Big Ozzy

Dear Boys,

I know that we have had many conversations about yelling and using swear words but on this occassion I feel dad can be forgiven due to the hot oven food dripping down his legs.

Wasn't it a nice treat to have pizza delivered though?

Dad

Dear Lobby dosser,

Your brother was born that way. He can not help it.


Big ozzy.


Dear Wife

I want a puppy and less judgemental boys who do not laugh at my dance of pain.

Big Ozzy

(True story)