Dear Nightmare...
1. Its the same bloody water, whether its in your bowl upstairs next to your scritchy post, downstairs in the laundry room next to your food, in the dogs bowl in the kitchen, and in MY WATER GLASS ON THE SIDE OF MY BED!!! So stop dipping your paw in MY water every blasted night and just drink your own water. Taking a deep gulp of water in the middle of the night and hacking on your hair is NOT my idea of fun.
2. I know you are old, I know you are getting up there in years. I understand why you like to stay upstairs for most of the day sleeping, since it allows you the freedom of the entire second floor with no worries about the dogs bothering you. However, just because YOU sleep all day long does not mean that you can wander the house wailing and moaning all night because no one is awake to pet or amuse you.
3. Yes, I know that lately my tummy has grown to monstrous proportions due to the pregnancy. This was not done for YOUR comfort and convenience. No, I do not enjoy you climbing my stomach and making yourself at home while I sleep. For one thing I'm having enough trouble breathing on my own, I don't need 15+ pounds of cat helping smother me.
4. Along with the above don't you get peevish with me and jump up all hissy when the babies start rolling and kicking at odd times when you are draped over me having a snooze.
5. It was cute when you were a wee kitten to have you walk all over our heads as we slept and try to nest in our hair. Its 10+ years later, and you are no longer wee. It HURTS when you try to climb under our hair now. Laying on it doesn't feel any better.
6. Yes, I need all three pillows right now. Yes, I do tend to toss and turn a lot. No, you may not claim one for your own just because I don't have my ENTIRE body on it when you decide to lay on it. Get your big black hair butt of MY pregnancy pillows, gosh darn it!
7. Yeah, I can see you sitting there glaring at me. And yes I know why. Daddy forgot to clean your litterbox again, didn't he? But I CANT do it until after the baby is born. Suck it up for heavens sake, its a freaking Littermaid, and you aren't going to step in anything you don't want to. So the gravel isn't even and flat like you demand. Get over it and just go poop, will ya?
8. OK look, it was funny the first few months, but we have lived in this house now for over 5 years. And not once has the cat door into the laundry room ever changed in the way it works. You push it with your head to get IN, you push it with your head to get OUT. No I wont drag myself over and OPEN the door for you because you don't LIKE going in, yet have no problem coming OUT. I am going to sit here on the couch and huff thru my latest Braxton Hicks. Glaring at me wont make me move either.
9. Yes, the laptop is nice and warm, isn't it. However I have yet to develop the ability to type with your fat black butt pinning my hands to the keyboard. Same goes when you visit Daddy in his office while he is working. PS - Daddy wont tell you this but it freaks him to have to you sit right in front of him and stare at him while he works. Especially when he says you don't blink for long periods of time. He thinks you are plotting his demise.
10. I have bought you toy mice, catnip toys, jingly balls, scrunchy balls, and all manner of cat toy to keep you happy. Can you PLEASE explain to me why you feel the need to spend most of the night stalking and killing not those items but instead decide to pull dirty socks out of the hampers, kill them r praise. Why must you also do this to Daddy's stuffed penguin collection, Daddy's role playing dice bags, my hair elastics, and the dogs toys, but NONE of your own??
11. Yes, I know Dinky-dog is annoying. But he has been this way since we brought him home years ago, and he isn't about to change anytime soon. He doesn't understand you don't care about the "pack hierarchy" as much as he does. But could you please STOP needling him by drinking out of HIS water bowl in front of him, laying on HIS blanket when you know he can see you, or just staring at him until he attacks you out of frustration? You aren't helping things. Cant you just be happy that while he believes he is higher on the household totem pole than you are, you KNOW he isn't??
