S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[siamesecat2965]

My kitty is also long gone, but if he were still with us, this is what I'd say to him:

Dear Boris,
I KNOW you must go out the nanosecond I wake up, but galloping down the stairs as I'm trying to make MY way down, in a sleep-induced, pre-caffeinated haze is not a good idea.  If you trip me, and I fall, there's no going out, and no food.

Please believe me when I tell you that it rains all around the house.  if you go out in the rain, and then frantically scratch at the  back door seconds later to be let in, and then run to the front door, its still raining out THAT door as well.  The rain doesn't magically disappear from one side of the house to the other.

Is is it really necessary to jump in and kick out all the litter in your box, the instant I'm done cleaning it, AND sweeping up all the litter you previously kicked out?  Bonus points in that you didnt' actually USE the box, but simply made a big mess all over again.

Finally, if you have something in your mouth, such as the poor baby rabbit you were carrying proudly around the yard, while it squealed pathetically and loudly, if you open your mouth, it's long gone.  And no matter how long you hunt through the yard, you're not going to find it.  They are fast, and it probably found its way back to its mommy, and away from your evil clutches.  (Baby rabbit was fine, cat was disappointed)

Love, siamesecat.

[Dazi]

Dear kittens,

I don't know which one of you thought it would be funny to steal all my clean underwear out of my drawer and hide them in your kitty house, but I was not amused.  I am still not sure how you managed to get the drawer open either.

Love Dazi

[Chinchillazilla]

Dear Tinycat,
I love you. I love you more when you aren't putting your dirty paws in my food. I would love you a lot more if you would be nice to me like you used to instead of being so aloof. Also, your brother does not appreciate being molested, and I don't appreciate your molesting your brother on my bed. You are both neutered. Stop it.
Love,
Me

Dear Manny,
Your big fluffy white tummy is irresistible. Please stop exposing it and then attacking people who innocently stroke it. What are you, a venus flytrap?
Love,
Me

Dear Willow,
If you plan to live the rest of your life in my mom's bedroom, which it seems you do, you have to stop yelling at me for not petting you as much.
Love,
Me

Dear Leo,
The answering machine message is a recording. Mom is not trapped in the phone. Lifting the receiver every time it comes on just hangs up on people. Grandpa thinks we hate him now.
Love,
Me

[Shoo]

Dear kittens,

I don't know which one of you thought it would be funny to steal all my clean underwear out of my drawer and hide them in your kitty house, but I was not amused.  I am still not sure how you managed to get the drawer open either.

Love Dazi

Panty raid!

[Xena_Xavier]

1.  Dear Bilbo,

We love having you snoozing in our laps while watching telly in the evening, but please stop passing wind in your sleep.  It doesn't make for a fragrant atmosphere, especially after a good meal.  We know you can't help it, but if you could just hold it in until you make it out into the hallway, we'd be eternally grateful.


2.  Dear Frodo,

Please stop hunting birds.  We love the local lorrakeets, but not toes-up on the kitchen floor (though we appreciate it's a gift given in the spirit of sharing).  Finding a little pile of tell-tale feathers on the front porch is not a lot of fun, either.  And it spoils your appetite for supper.

But thank you for hunting and eating the spiders.  You know how arachnophobic your mummy is, and I send a small prayer of gratitude to Bast every time I see you chowing down on a Brown Huntsman.

[Carnation]

Dear Stinky Kitty:

All you do is lie around the house in those gray striped pajamas, yet you have a higher standard of living than I do.

Get a job.

The Maid.

[AnnaT]

Dear Oscar

Running at the screen door, jumping and slamming yourself against it so as to scare the dog may be funny but you're breaking the wires and until you get a job, I'm the one picking up the tab for a new screen.

Love
Mum

[Leather Lady]

Dear Pop,
Just because you are a loooong cat doesn't mean you can catch the wasp in the east windows.  Quit jumping up and getting tangled in the sheers.  Your claws are destroying them as you try not to look foolish while you figure out how to get down, and the wasp is mocking you.

Also, since we clean your box every day you have mistaken your leavings as valuable items to us.  They aren't, so don't try to climb in the box and make more while I'm trying to clean it.  I throw it away, Pop, not sell it on eBay.

Dear Moe,
If you jump on your brother and force-groom him, expect him to cry.  You don't like it when he does it to you either.  Quit hiding at the bottom of the steps waiting patiently for the opportunity to attack.  He knows you are there, so he isn't coming down.

It really is okay to consent to be picked up.  You don't have to dig your toes into the rug so it sounds like Velcro as I peel you off.  Sometimes I just need to close a door and am looking out for your comfort.
Love,
Mom

[Missyanthrope]

Dear Nightmare...

1. Its the same bloody water, whether its in your bowl upstairs next to your scritchy post, downstairs in the laundry room next to your food, in the dogs bowl in the kitchen, and in MY WATER GLASS ON THE SIDE OF MY BED!!!  So stop dipping your paw in MY water every blasted night and just drink your own water.  Taking a deep gulp of water in the middle of the night and hacking on your hair is NOT my idea of fun.
2. I know you are old, I know you are getting up there in years.  I understand why you like to stay upstairs for most of the day sleeping, since it allows you the freedom of the entire second floor with no worries about the dogs bothering you.  However, just because YOU sleep all day long does not mean that you can wander the house wailing and moaning all night because no one is awake to pet or amuse you.
3. Yes, I know that lately my tummy has grown to monstrous proportions due to the pregnancy.  This was not done for YOUR comfort and convenience.  No, I do not enjoy you climbing my stomach and making yourself at home while I sleep.  For one thing I'm having enough trouble breathing on my own, I don't need 15+ pounds of cat helping smother me.
4. Along with the above don't you get peevish with me and jump up all hissy when the babies start rolling and kicking at odd times when you are draped over me having a snooze.
5. It was cute when you were a wee kitten to have you walk all over our heads as we slept and try to nest in our hair.  Its 10+ years later, and you are no longer wee.  It HURTS when you try to climb under our hair now.  Laying on it doesn't feel any better.
6. Yes, I need all three pillows right now.  Yes, I do tend to toss and turn a lot.  No, you may not claim one for your own just because I don't have my ENTIRE body on it when you decide to lay on it.  Get your big black hair butt of MY pregnancy pillows, gosh darn it!
7. Yeah, I can see you sitting there glaring at me.  And yes I know why.  Daddy forgot to clean your litterbox again, didn't he?  But I CANT do it until after the baby is born.  Suck it up for heavens sake, its a freaking Littermaid, and you aren't going to step in anything you don't want to.  So the gravel isn't even and flat like you demand.  Get over it and just go poop, will ya?
8. OK look, it was funny the first few months, but we have lived in this house now for over 5 years.  And not once has the cat door into the laundry room ever changed in the way it works.  You push it with your head to get IN, you push it with your head to get OUT.  No I wont drag myself over and OPEN the door for you because you don't LIKE going in, yet have no problem coming OUT.  I am going to sit here on the couch and huff thru my latest Braxton Hicks.  Glaring at me wont make me move either.
9. Yes, the laptop is nice and warm, isn't it.  However I have yet to develop the ability to type with your fat black butt pinning my hands to the keyboard.  Same goes when you visit Daddy in his office while he is working.  PS - Daddy wont tell you this but it freaks him to have to you sit right in front of him and stare at him while he works.  Especially when he says you don't blink for long periods of time.  He thinks you are plotting his demise.
10.  I have bought you toy mice, catnip toys, jingly balls, scrunchy balls, and all manner of cat toy to keep you happy.  Can you PLEASE explain to me why you feel the need to spend most of the night stalking and killing not those items but instead decide to pull dirty socks out of the hampers, kill them r praise.  Why must you also do this to Daddy's stuffed penguin collection, Daddy's role playing dice bags, my hair elastics, and the dogs toys, but NONE of your own??
11. Yes, I know Dinky-dog is annoying.  But he has been this way since we brought him home years ago, and he isn't about to change anytime soon.  He doesn't understand you don't care about the "pack hierarchy" as much as he does.  But could you please STOP needling him by drinking out of HIS water bowl in front of him, laying on HIS blanket when you know he can see you, or just staring at him until he attacks you out of frustration?  You aren't helping things.  Cant you just be happy that while he believes he is higher on the household totem pole than you are, you KNOW he isn't??

[Lynnv]

Dear Boy-Cats,

I know you are famous and all (as you were featured in the newsletter for the shelter we brought you home from), but that still doesn't mean that you are in charge.  There are two of us and two of you...we get more votes since we pay the mortgage (and you are no longer allowed to hold new votes after we leave, negating our voting superiority).

Harry-you will not die if you don't get to go on the porch.  And would you please quit harassing the neighbor dogs.  Their mom just yells at them and doesn't really do much else, and their yapping is giving me a headache.  Besides, I feel kind of sorry for them since their mom has them as yard dogs, which they don't really like very much.

Bob-strings are not monsters.  That includes drawstrings on pants that I am wearing.  You cannot kill them.  Also, we know you can reach the doorknobs.  And you have figured out that they have something to do with opening doors.  We are NOT going to teach you to open the doors.  Ever.  Just get over it.

Harry-I know that the old stories about cats smothering babies isn't really true.  But you may be the reason people used to think so.  You cannot sleep on my face.  Those funny noises I make are an indication that I can't breathe.  If I can't breathe, you won't get fed OR let out onto the screen porch to bug the dogs.  Please stop it.

Bob-quit licking me.  It feels odd and I am worried that you are taste testing to be sure that, if DH and I fall over dead one day, you will have some dinner.  It is kind of creepy.

Thanks boys!

Lynnv

[furrcats]

Dear catson I really love having you on my lap but can you cut it down to less then seven hours? 

[Miss Vertigo]

Dear Weedster,

They're toast crumbs. Toast crumbs. Is it really, really worth falling out with your brother over toast crumbs?!

[bigozzy]

Dear Cats

Yes it was a lovely Spring day yesterday.

Yes, it was nice of me keeping you company in the garden.

No, I did not dig up the soil just to make your business easier. And thanks for enthusiastically flicking soil everywhere but over your business.

I thought cats were supposed to like privacy!

[StarDrifter]

Dear Archie-

I *know* that we are the worst parents in the world because we are going on holidays without you, but that is no reason to give Ace's parents hell while they babysit you!

G'Ma does *not* appreciate you waking her up at 5AM any more than either myself or Ace does. She also doesn't like it when you sleep in the dryer, any more than we do... in fact she is amazed that you can get *into* her wall-mounted dryer that is five feet off the floor!

Kindly pull your crazy-levels back to somewhere near base-line, at least for the duration of your stay at G'Ma and G'Pa's place.

Love Anna.

[finecabernet]

Thanks for resurrecting this. In anticipation of my dupe entry getting closed, here's my entry.

Apologies if there's already a "Dear Cat" thread somewhere on here, but I couldn't find one, so here it goes.

Dear Cats:

I love you all, and even though there's far to many of you in my shoebox apartment, cannot imagine life without you. However, there's a few habits we need to work on to make life easier for all of us.

Dear Orange and White Cat
--You are my shadow, you follow me everywhere I go. I'd like to be the first to tell you that sidling up to my feet can (and has, quite often) get you stepped on. Plus, it may endanger my life if I'm on the top of the stairs. No me may equal SPCA for you if your designated guardians get cold feet. Also, showers and going to the bathroom are solitary activities. There is no need for you to supervise. You are, however, a great "living stuffed animal," especially since I wake up with you curled up in my arms each morning.

Dear Tortoiseshell
--You've had a tough time of it, my onetime feral cat. You've come quite a long way. But I hope you would know and trust me well enough by now not to run for your life whenever I approach the kitchen, or any room for that matter. It's been five years and I've never so much as raised my voice to you. It's time to move on from your earlier traumas. Also, I appreciate that among your many issues--dandruff, halitosis, gassiness, constantly running eyes--you also sneeze a lot. I just wish you would point your sneezes to one of your feline siblings. I get grossed out by the constant stream of cat snot that comes my way. But I'm so pleased to have gained your trust and love. You are a precious gift, my onetime "Lucifer" kitty.

Dear Tuxedo
--You are the Mary Poppins of cats...practically perfect in every way. Your endless dignity is admirable. However, I wish that you could manage not to shed gigantic clumps of black hair everywhere. Also, is there anyway you could turn color, even if it is just to get a few extra white spots. In the dark I can't tell the difference between you and a pile of clothes.

Dear Tabby
--You are 12 but still as small as a kitten. And unfortunately Orange Cat terrorizes you and you hide under the bed. I only see you during meal times...my meals. My one complaint with you, my hairy princess, is that you WILL NOT let me brush you. This is becoming a problem, especially since you keep coughing up one hairball after another. I'm done with chasing you all over the house, too, to cut off your mats. Your revenge tactic on my favorite shirt last year did not go unnoticed, and was most certainly not appreciated. However, I adore you. I just wish you wouldn't fight me so much when I go to pick you up and kiss you.

Love, Human Mommy