S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[stargazer]

Dear Mouse,
We've had this conversation before.  It is NOT my fault that it is raining.  I know you want to go outside to go potty.  I applaud this.  However, you have two choices.  Run outside and go fast and Mommy will dry you off when you get back.  Or use the litter box inside.  Now, I know you hate having to use the litter box.  However, this was your choice this morning.  Please to stop the tortured meowing as you take the long, lonely walk to poo.  Next time, just go outside.  It will be easier on all of us and this rain is scheduled for 3 days.

Mommy loves you!

[siamesecat2965]

Dear Boris (again)
I know you think we haven't yet figured out how the pretty bisque Christmas angel figurerines ended up on the floor below the mantle, but knowing how you can't resist swiping things off flat surfaces, we have a pretty good idea of who is responsible.

Also, you know that painting that's hung above the fireplace?  I promise there's no secret door behind it, so you can stop pulling it back with your paw, and peering behind it.  We know you are the cause of the crooked picture because Grandma SAW you doing it.

Finally, you thought you were being stealthy sneaking the kitty food, but we heard the loud thump as you knocked the bag onto the floor, then Grandpa saw two black paw attached to YOUR front legs pulling it underneath the full length cabinets on the back porch.  Nice try.

[Yarnspinner]

Dear Beloved Kitty Such,

Has Mommy ever ONCE hunkered down next to you and stuck HER face in YOUR Purina?  Has she? 
Does Mommy always make sure that you have something nice to eat (whether it's the Purina, the Babyfood with beef flavor you love or the Tender Treats?  Yes, she does.

So, please, allow Mommy the privilege of eating HER dinner without the introduction of YOUR paw into her dinner.  Trying to catch my hand while I am raising the spoon to my lips is not acceptable either.  And that gum that I am chewing on is not good for you.  So trying to take my upper lip off to get at the peppermint is NOT a good idea...last time I had to use a glass of wine to detoxify the wound.

I love you, I worship you, I idolize your purring, but enough is plenty!  Mommy eats from her dish and you eat from yours.

Lots of Love,

Mommy Such

[Yarnspinner]

Dear Spike,

We are aware that you are a very intelligent cat - and a surprisingly strong one. This was demonstrated when you learned to open cupboard doors, and again when we caught you closing them behind you. I am sure it is very frustrating that your sister will not learn to do this on her own.

However, shutting her in cupboards will not teach her how to open them.

That is all.

Love,
Mum.

 

Must not spit water on computer screen!

[xena2560]

Dear Spike,

This is Xena's cat, Widget.  If you promise to show me how to get into cupboards, I promise to show you how to shake paw.  Way to get stupid humans to give us treats.

[Lynnv]

Dear Spike,

This is Xena's cat, Widget.  If you promise to show me how to get into cupboards, I promise to show you how to shake paw.  Way to get stupid humans to give us treats.

Dear Widget and Spike,

If you can do all that, have you figured out how to open real doors yet?  Mom has a room full of tuna treats, catnip and empty boxes to play in, we are sure (she won't let us in there).  I can reach the magic silver thing they use to open it, but I can't quite get it open yet.  I really want to go in there.  If you can teach me, I will share the bounty!

Purrs and headbutts,

Bob (Lynn's boss)

PS Harry says that he can open and close cabinet doors too, but that is because I taught him how...but he can get one regular door to open just by headbutting it just right.  I haven't got the hang of that one yet.

PPS Mom just said that the tuna treat and catnip room is really full of glass and pointy things, but we don't believe her a bit.

[Hushabye]

Dear Widget, Spike, Bob and Harry,

There's a trick to opening cabinets wherein you stand on your back paws, put your front paws on the lip of the cabinet door at the top and then walk it slowly backwards until it's completely open.  Then you can waltz in and out at your discretion or convince your fellow kitties to climb inside and push the door shut on them.

Bonus: If you lose your grip, the cabinet doors bounce shut with lots of fun "band" sounds, which annoy your human servants to no end.  Double bonus if you do it in the middle of the night.

Sincerely,
Prometheus

PS: Tesla says that if you play your cards right in choosing which cabinets to open, you sometimes get rewarded with awesome stuff like plastic bags to play with.  And on occasion they have people food in them, which is no bueno for eating but muy bueno for playing with!

PPS: Try not to get caught doing this if you keep waking your humans up with the cabinet-banging.  They'll go to the store and buy something for the door that keeps it from opening anymore at kitty paws.  But the human servants can still open them.  It must be a size thing.  Maybe if I put on a few more pounds, I'll be strong enough to open the darned things anyway...

[Lynnv]

Dear Widget, Spike, Bob and Harry,

There's a trick to opening cabinets wherein you stand on your back paws, put your front paws on the lip of the cabinet door at the top and then walk it slowly backwards until it's completely open.  Then you can waltz in and out at your discretion or convince your fellow kitties to climb inside and push the door shut on them.

Bonus: If you lose your grip, the cabinet doors bounce shut with lots of fun "band" sounds, which annoy your human servants to no end.  Double bonus if you do it in the middle of the night.

Sincerely,
Prometheus

PS: Tesla says that if you play your cards right in choosing which cabinets to open, you sometimes get rewarded with awesome stuff like plastic bags to play with.  And on occasion they have people food in them, which is no bueno for eating but muy bueno for playing with!

PPS: Try not to get caught doing this if you keep waking your humans up with the cabinet-banging.  They'll go to the store and buy something for the door that keeps it from opening anymore at kitty paws.  But the human servants can still open them.  It must be a size thing.  Maybe if I put on a few more pounds, I'll be strong enough to open the darned things anyway...

Dear Prometheus,

I have the cabinet door thing down.  The servants quit putting fun stuff in the lower cabinets.  But have you figured out how to open the big doors yet?  I really want to go into the rooms that the servants have kept me out of....it is my house so I should be able to go there.  And Harry is no help.  Once he figured out one door, he was content and won't help me with all the others.

I can reach the magic button if I stand up on my back feet.  But I can't get the darned doors to open.

Bob (the eternally curious one)

[Hushabye]

Dear Bob,

That's a no-go on the big doors.  Well, except for all the ones in the house that don't actually latch (but they don't go anywhere fun).  I'm not quite a year old, though, so I haven't been at this for too long and I'm not tall enough to reach the turn-y thing the human servants seem to use.  Although if Tesla and I use a double-teaming approach when they're going in or out of the forbidden zones, I've found at least one of us can usually make it through.  That's almost as good as being able to open the darned thing myself (or maybe better; then I don't have to do any work!).  If I figure it out, I'll let you know.

Prometheus

[Chinchillazilla]

Dear boys,

It was very mean of you to leave the back half of a cricket in the kitchen floor, and then, when I leaned close to see what the heck it was, to tap it, somehow causing the legs to spring and making it leap up several inches. Impressive, I will give you that (I mean, how did it even DO that?), but VERY MEAN.

Also, Tinycat? My bellybutton is a vulnerable spot. Please don't bite it. Thank you.

Love,
Me

[WolfWay]

Dear Bob, Prometheus, Spike, Widget et al

It takes two co-ordinated cats to open big doors. One jumps on the handle, the other pushes the door open. This is why mummy has taken to locking the kitchen door at night.

Warmest Regards,
Mai Thai and Mr Chang.

[AnnaT]

Dear Oscar

Sitting directly behind me when I'm at the kitchen bench will only get you stood upon.  And hiding behind the bookshelf to jump out at me when I walk past seems to scare you a whole heck of a lot more than it does me.  Also, now that its getting colder and I'm turning on the heat lamps in the bathroom before I shower - your 'sunbathing' impression is just so darned cute!

Love
Mum

[blue2000]

Dear Widget, Spike, Bob and Harry,

There's a trick to opening cabinets wherein you stand on your back paws, put your front paws on the lip of the cabinet door at the top and then walk it slowly backwards until it's completely open.  Then you can waltz in and out at your discretion or convince your fellow kitties to climb inside and push the door shut on them.

Bonus: If you lose your grip, the cabinet doors bounce shut with lots of fun "band" sounds, which annoy your human servants to no end.  Double bonus if you do it in the middle of the night.

Sincerely,
Prometheus

PS: Tesla says that if you play your cards right in choosing which cabinets to open, you sometimes get rewarded with awesome stuff like plastic bags to play with.  And on occasion they have people food in them, which is no bueno for eating but muy bueno for playing with!

PPS: Try not to get caught doing this if you keep waking your humans up with the cabinet-banging.  They'll go to the store and buy something for the door that keeps it from opening anymore at kitty paws.  But the human servants can still open them.  It must be a size thing.  Maybe if I put on a few more pounds, I'll be strong enough to open the darned things anyway...

Dear Prometheus,

If you slide your paw under the door and pull, you can open it much more easily. And if the silly humans object and lock it, it still makes that really cool banging noise!

Good for annoying the humans who lock things but also good for waking them up. If they are going to lock up the food, they have to be more prompt with din-din - none of this 'wait a minute - junk. All that napping makes me hungry.

Sincerely, Mikey


Dear Mikey,

You bang that cupboard one more time young man, and you are cat steak!!! You understand?!? Mommy has enough trouble sleeping without having to get up in the middle of the night to stop a hilarious game of "Break the Cupboard'.

And mommy does not get up on time to feed you if she has had no sleep, you nut. Go play with your three thousand quiet toys for a change, hmm? Please?

Sincerely, Feeder And Snuggler of Kittehs

[Miss Vertigo]

Talking of doors:

Dear Weedster,

When Mummy shuts the bedroom door at night, with you on the other side of it, it is a signal that she needs some sleep without you jumping on her head all night. It is *not* a signal for you to scratch the door so hard that Mummy wakes up the next morning and finds door paint all over the floor. Really, it is not.

Love,
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dazi]

Dear Squeak,

Yes, I am very proud that you finally learned to "talk".  No, you do not need to show me every time you see me.  I promise I didn't forget.

Dazi