S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[jayhawk]

Dear Abbie-Cat:

You've been with us a year now and I still can't believe how beautiful your Liz Taylor-violet eyes are!  Still, we do need to discuss a couple of items:
1.  re:  the dog.  yes, he's not too smart, but he's harmless.  You really don't need to hiss at him when he gets within 3 feet of you.
2.  again, the dog.  Please don't eat his food, just cuz you're too darn lazy to jump on the washer to eat yours.
3.  you really need to be an inside cat - it's too dangerous here for kitties to roam.  As such, I'd like for you to stop using your claws to open the screen door when we have the french doors open to cool the house.

Thank you for your coooperation,
The Staff

[artisticgal]

Dear Gato-

Yes, I understand that you like my lemon-mint shower gel. Yes, I know it smells like catnip. And yes, we all know how much you loooooove catnip. And we all know how you love water. But please do me a favor and stop getting into the shower and tub with me. It's no fun having a wet kitty running through the house. Also, the hair balls in the drain are not fun to remove.

Love, your food provider

[Ms_Cellany]

Dear Jack,

We know you want to go out. We know you want to go out more than anything, and when you do manage to slip outside, you will run like the wind and will be very hard to catch.

So it was *very* funny the other day when we had the window open right next to the birdfeeder, and you could no longer STAND watching a cardinal 2 feet away from you, and you leapt for it. In the process, you knocked the screen out of the window, which hit the birdfeeder, which made the cardinal fly away while peanuts and sunflower seeds scattered everywhere. And you fell about 8 feet to the ground.

That was funny enough on its own. But the part where The Sweetie dashed outside to see if you were OK, and you went running up her and leapt into her arms with an air of "Mom! Mom! I wanted the, the bird, and then this big thing fell down, and, and, and, it was REALLY loud and hit me and scared me, and I didn't even get the BIRD!" Remember that part?

That was funny!

Love,
The Other Big Pink Thing.

[FunkyMunky]

Dear Socrates,

I know my mac and cheese smells great to you, but we've discussed this - you may not eat human food until it is offered to you.

Also, we had 'that thing' done to you so you wouldn't make any baby black furry critters. Its other benefit was so you wouldn't need to mark the house. So stop peeing on stuff! The walls and curtains were bad enough, but if you go near the electronics again, your cuteliness may not protect you.

Dear Cougar,

Why on earth do you insist on attacking loaves of bread? That's two whole loaves this month that your big dopey brother forgot to put away that you've destroyed.

Dear Henry and Higgins,

Yes, having guests is lovely, but that's no reason to keep them awake all night alternately purring at and attacking them.

[WolfWay]

Dear Neko,

You are a cat. You are supposed to be a model of grace and elegance. You are not meant to careen around my house like a drunken hippo on rollerskates. If you break one more thing this week, I'm renaming you to "Gozer the Destroyer" and all your kitty friends will laugh at you.

love and rockets,
Mummy.

P.S. I saw you ski sideways across the table and fall off the edge with an undignified ka-thump. It was hilarious and cute when you were a kitten, but now that you're an adult I worry you're going to hurt yourself.

[JadeAngel]

To the Master of Disaster;

Congratulations, you have now managed to smash every vase in the house *except* the ugly one I got last Christmas, which I have left precariously balanced on the edge of the coffee table. If you could just give it a nudge next time you are passing on your way to the window seat I would be most appreciative.

Also I know I left the memory stick hanging from the doorhandle by the lanyard, temptingly in the way of kitty paws, but it has all my important documents on it so please refrain from pulling it down and shooting it under the bookcase or the washing machine.

I would also like to take this time to address the issue of the couch and the rug. The couch, as you know, is white. You are grey. Therefore I know when you have been on it so there is no point giving me that 'who me?' look. The rug runs past my bedroom door, I can hear you when you're clawing it. My saying 'I can hear you!' constitutes your first warning. Be advised that if it continues and I make it off the bed and open the bedroom door there will be trouble and it will all be landing on you.

I have put the microfibre doona cover you like so much on the bed and if you're good today I will allow you to sleep on a corner of it tonight. Please chew your food, leave the dead mice outside and don't munch on the television cords.

And don't forget the vase.

Love,

The tall exasperated human who dispenses food.
 
P.S: please stop tormenting the chihuahua from apartment 13 by sitting somewhere he can't reach you and going nerny-nerny-ner at him. I've had about as much of the high pitched yapping as I can take.

[WolfWay]

Dear Neko,

You are a cat. You are supposed to be a model of grace and elegance. You are not meant to careen around my house like a drunken hippo on rollerskates. If you break one more thing this week, I'm renaming you to "Gozer the Destroyer" and all your kitty friends will laugh at you.

love and rockets,
Mummy.

P.S. I saw you ski sideways across the table and fall off the edge with an undignified ka-thump. It was hilarious and cute when you were a kitten, but now that you're an adult I worry you're going to hurt yourself.

P.P.S. Please stop carpet-surfing the passageway rug all the way into the kitchen/garage. I know it's fun to run, jump and slide the loose rug up and down the passageway, but it's in the passageway so mummy doesn't lose her toes to frostbite on cold winter mornings when she has to dash along the tiled floor to the bathroom.

[atirial]

Dear Molly,

We don't mind you lying on top of the PC; it's warm and it purrs, so it's good for kitties. However when static builds up in your fur, please do not get rid of the crackly sensation by reaching out a paw and putting it on mummy's leg.

Congratulations on discovering electricity. Now, even if you do think it's funny when mummy jumps and says bad words, lightning rod was not in the description when I got cats. Cut it out.

Regards,
The grounding service

[TiredMum]

Dear cats,

The VET said you should be on a calorie controlled diet.  So don't get all narky about it & push the paperwork off my desk.  It's been 2 months now so give it a rest.

Also the trampoline net is not built for an 8 kg cat to climb up, it will get damaged.


Signed

Your human slave to furry pussy cat perfection.

[Giggity]

Dear Luke:

Regarding the below. We appreciate that you did not re-eat Dad's Croc. However, we can't figure out why you deemed it necessary to drag said Croc into the kitchen last night, and to leave it there.

With a potato in it.

We are intrigued at your change of tactics, but we are confused by them as well. Is this a statement that you wish to carbo-load, or is it a signal of some sort to your cohorts and minions?

Trepidatiously,
Mom

Dear Luke:

You are a cat. Repeat: YOU ARE A CAT. You are not a dog. I realize that you're almost as big as many dogs, but a cat you are. (We checked.)

That being the case, what on earth gave you the idea to eat Dad's Croc at three in the morning?

Simple math here, please to learn it. Rubber shoe =/= kitten food.

Love,
Mom

[HeebyJeebyLeebee]

Dear Luke:

Regarding the below. We appreciate that you did not re-eat Dad's Croc. However, we can't figure out why you deemed it necessary to drag said Croc into the kitchen last night, and to leave it there.

With a potato in it.

We are intrigued at your change of tactics, but we are confused by them as well. Is this a statement that you wish to carbo-load, or is it a signal of some sort to your cohorts and minions?

Trepidatiously,
Mom

Dear Luke:

You are a cat. Repeat: YOU ARE A CAT. You are not a dog. I realize that you're almost as big as many dogs, but a cat you are. (We checked.)

That being the case, what on earth gave you the idea to eat Dad's Croc at three in the morning?

Simple math here, please to learn it. Rubber shoe =/= kitten food.

Love,
Mom

Somehow, I read that as "carrots and onions", though considering the croc was in the kitchen with a potato, maybe the cohorts & minions ARE carrots & onions. 

[jayhawk]

Dear Neko,


P.S. I saw you ski sideways across the table and fall off the edge with an undignified ka-thump. It was hilarious and cute when you were a kitten, but now that you're an adult I worry you're going to hurt yourself.

THAT IS SO FUNNY!!!! (so long as Neko didn't hurt himself).

[siamesecat2965]

Dear Neko,


P.S. I saw you ski sideways across the table and fall off the edge with an undignified ka-thump. It was hilarious and cute when you were a kitten, but now that you're an adult I worry you're going to hurt yourself.

THAT IS SO FUNNY!!!! (so long as Neko didn't hurt himself).

Wonder if he's related to my late kitty Boris, who used to do the very same thing.  Graceful, that cat was NOT.

[Twik]

Dear Spencer: Please hold on a little longer, Mommy will be home within a week. 

[WolfWay]

Dear Neko,


P.S. I saw you ski sideways across the table and fall off the edge with an undignified ka-thump. It was hilarious and cute when you were a kitten, but now that you're an adult I worry you're going to hurt yourself.

THAT IS SO FUNNY!!!! (so long as Neko didn't hurt himself).

Wonder if he's related to my late kitty Boris, who used to do the very same thing.  Graceful, that cat was NOT.

Neko was fine, although she was desperately trying to pretend nothing happened. ("I meant to do that!" <lick lick> <scamper>). She's a teeny tiny adult kitty, but she's built like a bulldog and as graceful as a drunken rhino on ice.