S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[WolfWay]

Dear Neko,


P.S. I saw you ski sideways across the table and fall off the edge with an undignified ka-thump. It was hilarious and cute when you were a kitten, but now that you're an adult I worry you're going to hurt yourself.

THAT IS SO FUNNY!!!! (so long as Neko didn't hurt himself).

Wonder if he's related to my late kitty Boris, who used to do the very same thing.  Graceful, that cat was NOT.

Neko was fine, although she was desperately trying to pretend nothing happened. ("I meant to do that!" <lick lick> <scamper>). She's a teeny tiny adult kitty, but she's built like a bulldog and as graceful as a drunken rhino on ice.

[vorbau]

Dear Pirate:

It's been four days and I still don't know what you're so upset about. You pooed in the shower Friday morning. Maybe you were upset about DH being gone. But DH got home yesterday and you still won't speak to him, and when he came to bed you jumped off the bed with the most offended look I've ever seen. What gives?

Dear Gracie and Katya:

You are cute. You are very cute. But I have two requests that you stop doing things that no amount of cuteness can excuse:

1. Please, if you want to sleep under the covers, stop sharpening your claws on my stomach. It's too hot to wear something heavy enough to keep your needly little claws out of my tender bits.

2. There is nothing wrong with exercise. There is, however, much wrong with staging the 2010 Kitty Olympics Combined Marathon, High Jump and 200-meter Dash at 2am, especially the part where you skid on the kitchen rugs and crash into the cookie sheets I left drying, and I scramble out of bed with a flashlight and my offduty weapon because I think we have burglars. If it wasn't for the fact that your eyes glow in my flashlight beam, you could have ended up either under arrest or another entry in the Ghost Story thread.

Dear Elly:

Stop being such a b-rhymes-with-witch. Yes, you are beautiful and yes you are a princess, but that doesn't excuse rudeness. EHell says so. Oh, and the hairballs? They belong on the carpet, not in my shoe. That's just gross.
Momma

[Avi]

Dear Demon,

Yes the dog is stupid. Yes the dog is fun. Yes the dog will chase you if you run past hell-for-leather.

No it is not nice to swerve just before you reach the wooden door, as the dog can't stop that quick.

Yes, I know the dog is stupid enough to do this over and over, but you know better.

xxx

The dog's owner

[ChristiKayAnn]

Dear Kichi,

I don't know why you felt the need to chew on the corner of the ottoman last night but it was funny when you got too energetic about it and fell off the ottoman onto your head. Almost as funny as a couple of weeks ago when you bolted off the desk and tripped over your own four feet because you sat on my phone and butt dialed a non-existant number and the phone vibrated in protest.

I thought cats were supposed to be graceful.

Love and kisses,

Your mama (who should have named you grace so you would have some)

[vorbau]

Dear Furchildren:

What is it with the top left corner of my laptop screen? Why do I keep finding hair, kitty fallout, and teeth marks on it? I know you love the laptop, but I thought that was limited to sleeping on the keyboard for warmth.

[PeytiePotatie]

Dear Frank,

Please stop kicking the dog out of his bed. It is very cute when you curl up with him in either the doggy bed or the desk chair, but he gives me the sad eyes from the floor when your furry butt has edged him out. Also, what's with the licking and then biting? Are you taste-testing me? I am not a delicious snack, I promise.

Finally, you are a handsome cat, and a funny cat, and a sweet cat...but you are not a smart cat. We may need to put you in remedial kitty school to take classes like "doors are solid, and you can't go through them" and "if someone says NO and squirts you with a water bottle 100 times, maybe you shouldn't do that thing for the 101st time." Did you get dropped on your noggin as a kitten?

Love,
The One with the Warm Lap

PS - Sorry about the name. We didn't pick it. But it doesn't really matter - not like you answer to it anyway.

[MissRose]

Awwww LOL much enjoyed the kitty stories 

More more.... (as I cannot have any cats where I live)....

[Lynnv]

Dear Boy-cats,

I remember that it was 70F on Friday.  You went out on the porch, I went for a motorcycle ride.  All was good.  Saturday saw you lounging on the porch, basking in the nice weather again.  Well-some of the time.  And we need to discuss that.  If you are going to complain to go out on the porch all the time, it is only good manners to do so when the opportunity presents itself.  Coming back inside to sleep on the couch makes your Food Provider Unit think you don't appreciate her efforts to let you go out and watch the squirrels.

However, the big thing today is to remember that it is, in fact, winter.  It is snowing today.  You cannot go on the porch.  No matter how much you complain.  You will be unhappy if I give in.  So stop it.  Now.

And, for the record, the fridge is in charge when I leave.  You two cannot be trusted to make good decisions.

Love and hugs,
Lynnv

[Ms_Cellany]

And, for the record, the fridge is in charge when I leave.  You two cannot be trusted to make good decisions.

[SamiHami]

Dear Sammy,

You know I adore you.  Daddy and I love spoiling you with treats and toys and lots of love.  But I draw the line at your latest habit of stealing my pillow.  I'm getting tired of waking up in the middle of the night to realize that my head has been pushed off the pillow and you are stretched out as much as you can, leaving no room for me.  And don't try to say that I moved my head in my sleep all by myself---I wasn't quite asleep the other night when I felt your little paws pushing my head!

Enough of the devilishness!

[Arrynne]

Thank you.
Twin boys and 'special' cats are a laugh a minute.

Is anyone else's cat stinky or is it just ours? Luigi is the master of silent but deadly emmissions yet his sister, who eats exactly the same food, is not.

Maybe it is just a boy thing.

One of my roommate's cats was the queen of stink-bombs.   Changing her food made a huge difference.   I had a date over one night. While we were watching a movie on the couch, the kitten snuck up behind us and let out a HUGE stinky. I was mortified and kept repeating "It wasn't me! It was the cat!".    He did go out with me after that, but I'm not sure he believed me.

My Siamese, Mr. Mumbles, was pretty stinky when we first got him from the SPCA.   The food we were feeding our orange tabby, Oskar G., was upsetting to Mr. Mumble's tummy.  We switched foods and he was much better.

[Oxymoroness]

Dear Finn,

I know that you do not like LittleOxy (and the feeling is mutual). Yes, you were here first, but she is more likely to take care of me in my old age, so she wins.

And I know that you do not like people coming over to your territory our house, but standing in the middle of the room and hissing is not a productive way to deal with it. Just go and hide like a normal cat already!

Love,
Your Human Mommy

[Arrynne]

Dear Mr. Mumbles,

You have brought so much joy in my into my life this past year.  I adore your big blue eyes, Siamese good looks, and how you are always right there when I open my eyes in the morning.  You're my perfect "Little Asian Man".  I find your neurotic behavior towards water endearing, and I think it's adorable that you absolutely MUST have a drink if a human enters the room.  Please, please understand that I will turn on the water once I enter the bathroom for you, but I don't appreciate it when you YELL at me to do so.  I can only take so much first thing in the morning.  Also, while I love snuggling with you, you make it awfully hard to type.   It can be embarrassing to be on a conference call and need to shoo you away.

Darling Oskar G.,

You have been the light of our lives since we first smuggled you into our apartment as "Contraband Kitty" six years ago.  You have brought us more joy than I thought possible.  You have taught me that orange is beautiful.  I love how you snuggle between Daddy and me at night so we can drift off to sleep listening to your purring.  I don't appreciate the way you will deliberately knock things off of tables to show your displeasure at them being in your way.  I was especially displeased when I placed a centerpiece from my wedding onto an empty shelf and was rudely awakened that night by the sounds of shattering glass.  I sprang from my bed to find glass shards and marbles on the floor and a furry cat-butt where my decoration had been. Shelves are for books and knick-knacks, not for Oskar's. 

Daddy and I think it's really cute that you've adopted the Ikea sheepskin as your special friend.  We laughingly call it your girlfriend and think it's adorable the way you knead on it and make those throaty little "Mrows" while you do so. However, can you please leave my purple wubbie alone?   That's MY special blanket and doesn't need to be worn threadbare by you.  Also, Mr. Mumbles is here to stay.   He acknowledges that you are the Alpha-Male and does not need you to bite him on the neck and force him into submission daily. 

Much love,

CatMom

[Celany]

Dear Bammy-Kins,

You are a ferocious and deadly hunter. If I were a mouse, I would quake in terror at the mere mention of your name. I am certain that there are no mousies in a two-apartment radius, because they have all heard stories of your exploits among their kind, and are terrified to get anywhere near the places where you stalk.

I would like to call to your attention that my feet are not, in fact, mousies. I know it can be confusing when they stick out from under the covers. I understand that they may look like some kind of exotic hairless, eyeless, tailless mousie. But they are actually attached to me, and I need them for many important things, like walking from where the cat food is kept to your food bowl.

It would greatly aid my getting up early in the morning if I were able to get a full night's sleep & not be woken repeatedly by your attacks on my feet. I know that you're a very smart boy; surely you've noticed by now that every time you attack the hairless-eyeless-tailless-bed mousies, that I wake up yelling and sometimes threatening to turn you into a hat?

It would be in the best interests of both of us if you confined your attacks to your amazing collection of fake mousies, kongs, balls, and crinkle-toys, and left my feet out of it.

Much love, and many, many kisses.

-Celany

[Moray]

Dear Kitten Itten Itten,

I am fully aware that you have claimed my BF's lap as "yours" and that your snuggle-pet time is sacred. This is acceptable, since he was your Daddy before he became my BF. However, it is not acceptable for you to growl and throw a little hissy fit every time he pauses during snuggle-pets to squeeze my hand or pat my knee. If you don't want me there on the couch, then don't insist on snuggle-pets when BF and I are already having snuggle time ourselves. Seriously, Kitten, it has been almost four years now. I'm not going away.

Respectfully yours,
VorpalBunny
Dear Bob,

You are a dude among cats. I admire your fierce determination to protect your home, your humans and your "little sister" IBSMMPTPK. I love how laid back you are and the way you sleep with your head resting on my ankle. Thank you for bringing me your kills and respecting my preference to have them left on the doorstep and not my pillow. It has been such a joy to watch you go from grumpy and skittish to loving and playful. BF and I are so grateful to have you in our lives.

I do, however, have one point of contention. You may think you weigh as much as, say, a small mouse, but you are wrong. You actually weigh about 22 lbs. This means that when you try to walk on me or stand on me, it hurts! I love you and know you love me (after all, I am the bringer of food). Please don't bruise me anymore.

Love,
VorpalBunny

Dear IttyBittyStretchyMeepMeepPsychoTornadoPumaKitty,

I adore you more than words can possibly express. I have loved you since the moment I saw you, scared and malnourished and way too young to be away from your mama. I hope I've been a good mom to you. I love the way you burrow under the covers and purr so loud it wakes me from a deep sleep. It's a little weird when you try to suckle my fingers or lick my knees, but that's just part of your weirdness, and it makes you all the more special. I love the way you scoop dry food out of your bowl and throw it down the stairs just so you can chase it. Mommy is so proud of her little huntress. Your Daddy, Clompy loves you, too, and it brings him such joy that you run to meet him when he clomps down the stairs in his steel-toed boots. A word about Clompy: even if he does say you're "funny looking" I want you to know that we both think you're absolutely gorgeous, just the way you are. (You are pretty funny-looking by the way, but it's a good thing, I promise! What other cat looks like she was painted by Jackson Pollock? You're practically a work of art )

Now Meep, we must move to more serious subjects: although I love to have you snuggled in bed with me, there are times when I do not want you in the bed. It's not you, it's me. Last time Clompy and I were having "human time", I did not appreciate being treated as a "bed mouse". I promise I was not trying to attack BF and I did not need your assistance in subduing him, nor did he need your assistance in pinning me down. I appreciate your willingness to help, but we prefer to leave furry creatures out of our human time. I hope you will respect this in the future and not force me to shut you in the closet again.

Love,
Mommy