Dear Kitten Itten Itten,
I am fully aware that you have claimed my BF's lap as "yours" and that your snuggle-pet time is sacred. This is acceptable, since he was your Daddy before he became my BF. However, it is not acceptable for you to growl and throw a little hissy fit every time he pauses during snuggle-pets to squeeze my hand or pat my knee. If you don't want me there on the couch, then don't insist on snuggle-pets when BF and I are already having snuggle time ourselves. Seriously, Kitten, it has been almost four years now. I'm not going away.
You are a dude among cats. I admire your fierce determination to protect your home, your humans and your "little sister" IBSMMPTPK. I love how laid back you are and the way you sleep with your head resting on my ankle. Thank you for bringing me your kills and respecting my preference to have them left on the doorstep and not my pillow. It has been such a joy to watch you go from grumpy and skittish to loving and playful. BF and I are so grateful to have you in our lives.
I do, however, have one point of contention. You may think you weigh as much as, say, a small mouse, but you are wrong. You actually weigh about 22 lbs. This means that when you try to walk on me or stand on me, it hurts! I love you and know you love me (after all, I am the bringer of food). Please don't bruise me anymore.
I adore you more than words can possibly express. I have loved you since the moment I saw you, scared and malnourished and way too young to be away from your mama. I hope I've been a good mom to you. I love the way you burrow under the covers and purr so loud it wakes me from a deep sleep. It's a little weird when you try to suckle my fingers or lick my knees, but that's just part of your weirdness, and it makes you all the more special. I love the way you scoop dry food out of your bowl and throw it down the stairs just so you can chase it. Mommy is so proud of her little huntress. Your Daddy, Clompy loves you, too, and it brings him such joy that you run to meet him when he clomps down the stairs in his steel-toed boots. A word about Clompy: even if he does say you're "funny looking" I want you to know that we both think you're absolutely gorgeous, just the way you are. (You are pretty funny-looking by the way, but it's a good thing, I promise! What other cat looks like she was painted by Jackson Pollock? You're practically a work of art
Now Meep, we must move to more serious subjects: although I love to have you snuggled in bed with me, there are times when I do not want you in the bed. It's not you, it's me. Last time Clompy and I were having "human time", I did not appreciate being treated as a "bed mouse". I promise I was not trying to attack BF and I did not need your assistance in subduing him, nor did he need your assistance in pinning me down. I appreciate your willingness to help, but we prefer to leave furry creatures out of our human time. I hope you will respect this in the future and not force me to shut you in the closet again.