S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[snowfire]

Dear Furballs,

Sharpening your claws on the carpet, felonious hot pursuits across the bed (and occupants) at 5AM and spilling DH's glass of ice water on him, which soaked all the bedding and onto the mattress is not how or when we want to start the day.  Further acts of this nature will get your sorry tails booted out of the bedroom or house.

Love,

Mom

(DH was NOT a Happy Camper this morning.)

[Venus193]

Dear Carmen and Figaro,

I know your kind is nocturnal in the jungle, but this is a one-bedroom apartment with your human mum who needs you to not do this after dark.

Also, Figaro, it's summer and it's hot.  You might want to take it easy until it cools off.

Love, Mum

[peach2play]

Dear Lyoko,

I know your brothers used "your" litter box.  We just moved and mommy hasn't been able to bring the other two litter boxes up to the 3rd floor.  Up until today, her legs hurt to bad from moving the cat trees and litter boxes and food plus her stuff to get that far.  You do not need to howl every hour on the hour through the night until I get up and clean the litter boxes.  You will survive, I promise.

Love,
Mommy

PS...keep it up and I will lock you in the closet with your litter box, water and food where I can't hear you and let you out in the morning.
(The closet is a walk in closet that's the size of a Fiat)

[Ms_Cellany]

Dear Boojum,

Shut UP!

Kind regards,
The Suckers.

[parrot_girl]

Dear Footsie,

I am very sorry that I didn't realise Baby Budgie was able to commando crawl (he couldn't do it the day before) over to you and grab your tail and chomp it. I know precisely how sharp his teeth are and that must have HURT.
I would like to say how impressed I am that you realised halfway through your swing that you were about to take out the baby and managed to sheathe your claws in time, fetching Budgie a mighty wallop but no scratches. Well done!

(you didn't need to then come over to me and claw my ankle, but I understand why you did it.)

love,
your human, who will keep a better eye on the baby from now on

[JennJenn68]

Dear Buzz:

The bar is not your own personal climbing gym.  Yes, I know that it is temptingly fabric-covered up the side and seems to offer perfect access to the heights of the TV room, but it is definitely Not Allowed.  I will be reinforcing this with the spray bottle.  Repeatedly.  You look appallingly ridiculous suspended there, like a furry and demented bat.

Dear Deke:

I would really appreciate it if you would not sink your claws into my backside while I'm in front of the computer.  I was on the chair first, you know!  Sneaking behind me and then using my derriere for a pincushion does not make Mama happy, and an unhappy Mama means a less indulgent Mama--and perchance increased usage of the dreaded spray bottle!

Dear Mehitabel:

No, the kittens are not trying to drive you insane.  They can't; you already went mad years ago.  Sorry.  I got two of them on purpose, so that they would be able to play and fight with each other and would leave you in peace.  (Although it is kind of cute how you start grooming Deke, then get this look of "What am I DOING?" on your face and then whack him upside the head.)  And no, you can't have the kittens' food.  You're already a good five pounds overweight, which would be fine if you were a human being--but you're a cat.  I'm sorry to have to tell you this yet again.  You.  Are.  A.  Cat.  I know this shocks you, but it's the truth.

All three of you, thank you so much for being the perfect excuse for staying home from unwanted family vacations!  I got to get out of being tyrannized by Snowflake Nephew and I get the whole house to myself this weekend while DH, DS and my in-laws go to Ottawa for a weekend of culture.  (I have Museum ADHD.  Also manifests as Art Gallery ADHD.  I can feel my attention span wandering as I cross the threshold of any of these places.  It's a sad, sad thing, I suppose, but we must all understand and respect our limitations... )

With deepest affection (and some bandaids on the backside!),

Dispenser Of Food, Attention, And Cleaner Of The Litter Box

[spookycatlady]

Dear Misha,

You have been placed in solitary confinement due to your unspecified protest. By flouting society's laws regarding defecation in unauthorized zones, you have been segregated from the community at large for rehabilitation.

We love you and want you back amongst us, so please participate in therapy and stop trying to kill Mummy when she's trying to give your medication.  I'm sorry that it turns you into Cheech.

Your victim, jailor, food bringer lady,

Spooky

[Sirius]

Dear Max,

When Mr. Sirius tells you to get off his side of the bed, he's not being mean, he just wants enough space to sleep.  Your 15.5-pound self takes up a lot of space, in case you haven't noticed.

Love,

She Who Scritches

[greencat]

Dear Princess,

I appreciate your attempts at soothing my aches and pains, but massages should not be given using porcupines and it's ACUpuncture, not just puncture.

Love,

Your loyal subject.

[camlan]

Fred,

Notice there's no "Dear Fred." What the heck happened this morning that you peed on the bed, with me still in it? You had food which you didn't touch over night. You had three water bowls that I refilled just before I went to bed. I scooped the litter box just before bed, too. It was half an hour before Wake Up Time, too, which just added insult to injury.

There's a slim chance you might be sick, but since you used the litter box successfully before and after The Incident, I'm inclined to think you are trying to send me a message.

Find another medium, young man, or beware the consequences. You would be wise to reconsider peeing on the hand that feeds you.

Do you really want another trip to The Vet?

Not very happily,

Your Human

[Midnight Kitty]

Fred,

Notice there's no "Dear Fred." What the heck happened this morning that you peed on the bed, with me still in it? You had food which you didn't touch over night. You had three water bowls that I refilled just before I went to bed. I scooped the litter box just before bed, too. It was half an hour before Wake Up Time, too, which just added insult to injury.

There's a slim chance you might be sick, but since you used the litter box successfully before and after The Incident, I'm inclined to think you are trying to send me a message.

Find another medium, young man, or beware the consequences. You would be wise to reconsider peeing on the hand that feeds you.

Do you really want another trip to The Vet?

Not very happily,

Your Human

OK, now I'm ROTFLMAO!  I know cats are not rational, but I'd be saying exactly what you said.

[Midnight Kitty]

Dear Bootsie;

I know cats don't understand human words, only the tone and inflection.  I also know that cats are not rational creatures.  However, Daddy and I are very proud of your socialization efforts.  Coming out from under the bed to hang out with Cleaner Neighbor was very brave, especially with the vacuum cleaner running.

You are getting more Greenies, you good little kitty,
Mommy

BG:  Bootsie is very timid.  For 18 years, hiding has worked well for her.  Let sister Midnight greet the strange people, Bootsie's staying under the bed where it's safe.  Now Midnight is gone over the Rainbow Bridge and Bootsie is getting bolder.  Still, Bootsie has always viewed the vacuum cleaner's appearance as her signal to hide in the darkest corner of the closet.  Our condo neighbor (right across the hall) is a "cat lady" who no longer has a cat.   She lost her cat of 20+ years a couple years ago and misses her still.  She would love to be able to love on Bootsie. She is starting up a cleaning business.  She watched Bootsie for us when we went on vacation, but Bootsie wouldn't let her come close enough to touch her. /BG

As we left the house last Sunday, we told Bootsie that Cleaner Neighbor is coming over to clean.  Don't be frightened and don't hide because Cleaner Neighbor wants to love her up. I told Bootsie she could be a "therapy cat" and share some purrs with Cleaner Neighbor.

We came home to a note saying that Bootsie supervised the condo cleaning and allowed herself to be pet.

No one but us has pet Bootsie in 16 years.  Cleaner Neighbor is very happy to have a kitty to cuddle.  We are thrilled that we have someone to watch our timid little girl when we go on vacation.

[Girlie]

Dear Max,

Mommy would appreciate it if you would stop looking at her as though she is some kind of crazy axe-murderer just for walking in the room.

Love,
Me.

[reddevil]

Dear Nero-dog:

You do not like oranges.

You just DO NOT.

I know you like the smell of them, but not the taste.  Please do not glare suspiciously at me when I offer you a slice and you taste it and hate it.  I swear, it is the SAME THING that you were just sniffing.  I did not pause time and swap it out with something else to trick you.  Repeatedly begging for a taste, and then making that hilarious "I hate this" face when I give it to you seems like the very definition of insanity. 

Love,
Your Citrus Craving Mama

[Only me]

Dear G,

Yes it was lovely that you had a bath, but mommy doesn't need one also. Please stop licking me.

ONlyme