S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[atirial]

Dear Matilda,
Mummy works from home. This means that while she is in the house she is not available to stroke you. So please stop sitting on my feet radiating purring guilt from knee height.

Dear Stephen,
This goes double for you with the extra clause that when you have been playing in the snow and want a warm place to melt it all off, Mummy's lap is not ideal, no matter how tempting you think it looks. At 7 kilos you create a lot of snowmelt. Mummy's PC doesn't like that. Nor does Mummy.

Regards,
Your (dripping wet and guilt-tripped) owner

[Julian]

Dear Salem

We have a fairly large home.  There are three queen size beds, two lounges, four (yes, four, count them!) recliner chairs and I think at last count around 5 pet beds and your own little soft 'kennel' style bed.  And the Kitty Taj Mahal, aka scratching post palace.  Plenty of places for four little furry critters to snooze. 

So why, oh why, do you insist on kipping on the pile of clean towels in the bathroom? 

Love
your frustrated feeder.

PS , while we're talking about feeding...  two square meals a day is sufficient.  You are not starving.  Just because somebody goes into the kitchen doesn't mean it's dinner time.  And get your tail out of my food!

PPS stop eating Morty's food.  See above.

PPPS You can both stop bringing in the wild rabbits from next door.  At once.  I know you think it's funny when the dogs get in trouble for 'playing' with what you leave, but seriously, it is not nice for the humans who have to manage the aftermath.

[greencat]

Dear Moose,
I love you lots, but some privacy in the shower would be nice.  Also, you're weird.  Did your mother drop you on the head as a kitten?

Dear Moose's Mama (aka Baby Girl)
I find it amusing that you are willing to just be picked up and added to the pile of stuff I'm carrying inside, in order that you might be fed sooner rather than later.  I might as well be carrying a barely-stuffed toy around for how very chill you were just sitting on top of the armload of stuff I was already carrying.

Dear Princess,
I do not want to hold you in my lap every.time I sit down.  Especially since that includes the times I am "using the litterbox."  Ahem.  Especially those times.

Dear Tribble,
Good boy.  Please continue behaving.  Also thank you for being smarter than the other ones and realizing that you can actually get back into the house the same way you got out.  You are both pretty and smart!

Love, Mommy

[JoW]

Dear Sassy, Sam, and Dax
I know there are 3 of you and only 1 of me.  But you have a combined weigh of about 40 lbs.  All alone I weigh more than 3 times that.  We do not each get 1/4 of the bed.  I get half.  The 3 of you get to share the other half.  Try to remember that.

[greencat]

Dear Sassy, Sam, and Dax
I know there are 3 of you and only 1 of me.  But you have a combined weigh of about 40 lbs.  All alone I weigh more than 3 times that.  We do not each get 1/4 of the bed.  I get half.  The 3 of you get to share the other half.  Try to remember that.

Your kitties are willing to give up a whole quarter of the bed?   

[JoW]

Dear Sassy, Sam, and Dax
I know there are 3 of you and only 1 of me.  But you have a combined weigh of about 40 lbs.  All alone I weigh more than 3 times that.  We do not each get 1/4 of the bed.  I get half.  The 3 of you get to share the other half.  Try to remember that.

Your kitties are willing to give up a whole quarter of the bed?   

I woke up today at 4am to go to the bathroom.  Sassy was at the foot of the bed, Sam was at my knees, Dax was up against the spare pillow.  All 3 were on their half of the bed.  By the time I got back Dax and Sam had moved and the 3 of them were arranged in a perfect diagonal across the bed. 

[Snooks]

Dear Sassy, Sam, and Dax
I know there are 3 of you and only 1 of me.  But you have a combined weigh of about 40 lbs.  All alone I weigh more than 3 times that.  We do not each get 1/4 of the bed.  I get half.  The 3 of you get to share the other half.  Try to remember that.

Your kitties are willing to give up a whole quarter of the bed?   

I woke up today at 4am to go to the bathroom.  Sassy was at the foot of the bed, Sam was at my knees, Dax was up against the spare pillow.  All 3 were on their half of the bed.  By the time I got back Dax and Sam had moved and the 3 of them were arranged in a perfect diagonal across the bed.

If you ask them I'm sure they'll tell you that you still had half the area of the bed.  They're probably bemoaning the fact that their human must have been off school the day they did splitting shapes in half in different ways.

[snowfire]

It still amazes me that my tiny 8 pound cat can occupy more than 1/4 of a king size bed.  She'll start out at my feet, then magically keep oozing up and in until she is somewhere between my knee and hip and pushing me off the edge of the bed.

[Lynnv]

It still amazes me that my tiny 8 pound cat can occupy more than 1/4 of a king size bed.  She'll start out at my feet, then magically keep oozing up and in until she is somewhere between my knee and hip and pushing me off the edge of the bed.

We call that squinching in our house.   It is a combination of squeezing and inching.  We have since found out that it means something entirely different...but the word remains for DH and I.   

[Venus193]

My babies must be unusually polite about that.  Carmen (about 7 lbs) takes the other pillow while Figaro (about 12 lbs) sleeps at the foot of the bed on the same side.

[greencat]

Two out of three of mine insist on sleeping on me somewhere.  The adult cat just drapes herself over me wherever she feels like it - the kitten paws and meows at me until I arrange my position to his liking.

[Amara]

Memo

To: Amara, Athena, Aphrodite
From: The Staff AKA Mom AKA Killer of Food Cans AKA Cleaner of Sandbox
Re: New Comforter
Date: January 22, 2013

Thank you for admiring my taste in comforters. I appreciate the confirmation of my taste. I agree that the silk-like sheen and exquisite design are perfect. The mint green color is so flattering to your eyes as well, but that's not actually why I bought it. Still, it is nice.

If I may be so bold, I would like to request that you refrain from doing your favorite rolls around with claws out. Your ability to draw threads out is ... uncanny. Also, throwing up your dinner (and breakfast and lunch) whenever you feel a need is not something to be done on the comforter. I have laminate wood flooring for a reason; please use that. And while I am not happy with the addition of bits of cat litter I realize that your paws need to dispense the excess somewhere so I am (grumpily) willing to accept that some will end up here. I'll deal with it. Just, please, do not make me deal with vomit, hairballs or--Aphrodite, I am speaking to you--an occasional message turd if you think I have not hastened with sufficient speed to clean the sandbox.

I like this comforter. In fact, I love it. So I request, with all due respect, adoration, and admiration, that you let me enjoy it as it is now.

Mom (the dispatcher of cans and used litter)

[ladyknight1]

My Harley (all 9 pounds of him) must have Lonely Butt Syndrome ^tm. LBS causes one to lie at a 45 degree angle from one's human companion at that time. The butt in question must be within one inch of that companion.

[Midnight Kitty]

Two out of three of mine insist on sleeping on me somewhere.  The adult cat just drapes herself over me wherever she feels like it - the kitten paws and meows at me until I arrange my position to his liking.

The real Midnight Kitty let me put my head on a corner of my pillow.  She was quite generous for a Princess.  Bootsie, her sister, lay at my feet.

After the real MK passed in Dec. 2011, Bootsie stepped up to be "The Cat."  Now she sleeps on my pillow.  Bootsie will wrap herself around my head, then lay her head on top of my head and purr.  We call her my "cat hat."  It felt funny at first to be used as a cat pillow, but I am starting to to enjoying it.

[Outdoor Girl]

Dear Sassy:

You are not that big of a cat; you only weigh about 11 pounds.  How do you manage to sound like a herd of elephants is running through my house at way too early in the morning?

Signed,
The Sleep Deprived One.