Dear Branwen the Awful,
Oh cat. Look. I love you to death, cat. Why else would I keep buying you expensive canned food to treat you in addition to the dry food that's always out? And I know you adore that food - you shove your face right in the dish and inhale it like you haven't been fed in weeks!
But while I love you dearly, I really don't love when you eat so fast that you then proceed to deposit your just-inhaled food on the floor in a disgusting heap. And I REALLY don't love when you stand over it, pawing disdainfully at the floor as if trying to cover it up, so I can't clean it up before it dries into the carpet. You only weigh twelve pounds, cat, and I weigh a hundred and two, so don't look so offended when I bodily move you away from the mess.
Get over it, cat. And please eat a little bit slower, will you?
Dear Rika the Angry Fluff,
Why in the seven bloody hells do YOU not eat canned food or treats?! I would be very happy if you would even deign to push it away with a paw and walk off! Or even sniff it! But no, you avoid it like it threatened to give you a bath! You picky little ball of angry fluff! You're just lucky you're adorable and I don't mind when you try to eat my spicy crisps...but please keep your head out of the bag next time, you little brat.
Love, that warm clumsy thing that feeds and brushes and pets you.