S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[misha412]

My dearest Renji,

We have had this discussion before, but I hope this time sticks.

Chewing power cords is dangerous for felines. Electricity and kitty saliva do not mix. Mommy and Daddy could come home to fried kitty. Not a good thing. Plus, Daddy is NOT happy that two computer power cords are now chewed up.

Now, we got the icky spray to put on the cords and new cord covers. If we see you making funny faces and foaming at the mouth, we will know what is going on. Just leave them alone.

I love you my big tom kitty. No chewing the cords.

Love, the female human who loves to give you chin skritchies

[greencat]

Dear female cats,

The kittens do not need to be punished for approaching you.  They appear to have an excellent understanding that with four in the litter, they have plenty of playmates and do not need to chew on the adult cats.  Mama cat, I do see that you might be a bit fed up with the lot.  Princess, I guess you're always like this anyway, and I don't know why I bother expecting you to be polite anymore.

Dear Moose,

You are such a good boy!  Now, if you could just administer adorable licks to the kittens while I have a camera aimed at you...

Dear Kittens,

What the eHell did you do to my bathroom?!?!?!? Also my kitchen!  Actually, the whole house.  Yikes.

Specifically,

Dear Batkittens,
I despair of telling you apart from each other.  You have leapfrogging growth spurts so I can't use one of you being slightly bigger than the other as a reliable guide.  I have to flip you over to check for the Bat Signal on Adam West Batman's stomach to make sure I've got the right kitten for administering flea meds and the like.

Dear Joker,
I'm glad you seem to be leaving behind that extremely skittish stage you were in and warming up to me again.

Dear Penguin,
You are starting to look as goofy as your personality.  Cats with Siamese genes are supposed to start out light colored and get darker around the perimeter.  You started out mostly black and now most of you has turned gray...

And as an addendum, so he doesn't feel left out:

Dear Rocky,

You are such a good boy.  I'm glad the fish-based dog food has solved your horrible dandruff problem.  I'm sorry Moose keeps trying to eat it. 

Love,

The Zookeeper

[Firecat]

Dear Xena,

Sleeping on a human's lower abdominal area is a very effective way of getting that human up, as you have discovered.  If your human has one of those little boxes that suddenly become noisy in the morning, I recommend that you wait until close to that time to nap on the human.  Humans have difficulty getting up in the morning, even when awakened by a noisy box, so your assistance at that time will be appreciated.   More importantly, it ensures that your breakfast is served on time.

Magic

Dear Magic,

But mostly, I want the nice warm humans to stay put so I have a proper napping platform and scritches on demand. My humans give me the yummy wet food for supper, not breakfast; I have to make do with crunchies the rest of the time. Why DO humans insist on having those silly noisy boxes?

Xena

[daen]

Dear Bear and Nitro,

We'll be back in a few days, so put up with That Other Guy feeding you and taking care of the litter box a little longer. The Nice Young Lady did her best, too.

Please don't hate us for having had you cat-sit while we were away for the year. You would have hated the traveling and the new space even more.

Looking forward to scritching you behind the ears.
Love,
The Nice Lady and The Nice Guy
(who used to live with you, and will again soon)

[Liliane]

Dear fluffballs - yes, all four of you.

Yes, I am changing your food. You guys eat ridiculous amounts of food and the stuff I HAD you on is far too expensive, especially considering it doesn't even last an entire month with four little piglets in fur coats noshing on it. Get used to the new stuff. (This means you, Rika. You are far too picky for your own good. I don't care if you don't like fish. You WILL eat the new stuff.)

And whoever's horking all over the carpet, stop that. I have no idea if you're gorging yourself or just have a hairball, but I am getting really sick of cleaning up your hork. Literally. You don't want to make me be violently ill from dealing with mass amounts of cat barf, now do you?

Also, Rika? How the eHell did you manage to get the insides of your back legs so matted up?? I brush you daily! Now I'm going to have to pin you in the most awkward position ever and shave your underside! Don't you dare bite me, cat.

Love, though some days I'm not sure why,
the Not-Furry One.

[Midnight Kitty]

Dear Buddy;

That was an inventive wake up alarm you employed when I tried to catch a few extra winks. Sitting on the washer (bottom of the washer/dryer combo) and rattling the bamboo bead curtain made enough noise to make getting up more attractive than the extra ZZZs.

Zoo Food Service

[Nikko-chan]

Dear Ciaran,

What on earth possessed you to try to eat the last bit of chili dog I left on my plate after dinner!? I even found a bit of the bun all the way in the bathroom, and the telltale crumbs on your chin aren't helping your case either, mister!

Sincerely,

She who should learn to not leave ANYTHING within your reach.

[Ms_Cellany]

Dear Foot-Foot,

What a creative use of a household object as a cat toy, and what a mighty leap you made I bring your prey into the bed! Where did you find the brand-new fuzzy paint pad, anyway?

Love,
She who also loves fuzzy paint pads

[greencat]

Kittens,

Though you are mightily cute, I happen to enjoy cooking without ankle weights.

Love,
The human mommy, who still loves you even though your feline mommy no longer wants anything to do with you.

[guihong]

Dear Izzy and Gracie:

It's 3:40 A.M.  The two of you were racing around like the Indy 500.  Then Izzy, you big handsome boy, were meowing as only Bombays can, until I finally caved and fixed you your cans. 

Now you're both sleeping on my side of the bed, and I'm out here on Ehell.  Something's wrong with this picture (not to you!)

With love,
The Sucker

[atirial]

Dear Stephen,

I know I haven't been well for a few days, and you are concerned your two-legged food dispensor is not functioning. However the following do not help matters.

1) Laying your paw on my hand to check I am awake is cute. Flexing your claws when you do that, is not! I have punctures.

2) Waking up unable to move my head at 3a.m. is not good. Discovering it's because 7 kilos of cat has sat on my hair with two paws on my head is worse - followed by the dreaded nose-and-drool in ear when I could not do anything about it! Your sister was staring at you from the other side of the pillow, wondering if you were mad.

I am sorry you revolved across the bed when I pulled the pillow out from under you, but you had that coming.

Regards,
She-who-fills-food-bowls

P.S. And in these situations your Daddy need to stop laughing and help.

[greencat]

Batkittens,

One of you two is cute and affectionate.  The other of you is a finger-nibbling demonbeast.  Cease and desist chewing on my fingers!

Love,

Not-a-snack

[Fliss]

Listen up Demons!

When the Humans go to bed, it's sleepy time for you as well! Lights out does not signify you two taking turns to jump up and down from the bed. You are let out several times before bed time, so you don't need loo breaks.

If you want your mummy to continue getting up at 5am to let you and the chickens out and give you breakfast, she needs her sleep! Otherwise you'll just have to starve your way through to 7am before she goes to work. So no more jumping, or the Humans will cut off your vege pigs ear supply.

Your supplier of chews.

[Liliane]

Dear cats,

How did you end up with FLEAS?! I darn well know you didn't have them a couple days ago! Augh! Fleas!

And no, I'm not going to be very happy if you end up giving them to the dogs when they come home Sunday. I JUST cleaned that room, for fluff's sake. (Unless that's where you got them, in which case, it's probably my fault because I likely carried them up here and I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry.)

Just hold out till tomorrow when I can get you the flea-killing pills. You'll hate me, but at least you won't have FLEAS anymore.

Love,
the panicking Not-Furry One.

(FLEAS! *sobs*)

[Nikko-chan]

Dear Ciaran,

Cease and desist gnawing and scratching your grandmother, or you are out of here. She has said so. And quit bothering your sister. She is not a toy.

Sincerely,

The Servant.