Dear Stable Cat
It is autumn in England. The ground is wet. I appreciate that this is unsatisfactory but it isn't my fault. I also know that you are an Up Cat who likes to be high, but when you climb my legs to get away from the wet ground, it hurts. You have Pointy Endz. You look very beautiful, draped around my neck, and you're lovely and warm, but you are also heavy and I don't think you do my arthritic shoulder a lot of good. Also, I can't put on my body protector when you are there. Yes, I do need to put you down so that I may have my riding lesson. I know you like the horses but I don't know if they like you. It still isn't my fault that the ground is wet. You don't need me to carry you back to your front door; you can walk. Stop shouting in my ear from a distance of four inches. You are very loud.
Dear My Very Own Home Cat
Yes, I know that I smell of Strange Other Cat. That was Stable Cat who assaulted me with the Pointy Endz and insisted on being cuddled. It wasn't my fault!
The One with the Opposable Thumbs and the Can Opener