S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[stargazer]

Dear Mouse,

You are neutered.  You are over 10 years old.  Why in the WORLD did you spray my bathroom cabinets this morning when you have never done such a thing before?  Not cool dude.

Love,
Your exasperated mommy

Dear Mommy
Maybe I sprayed because my parts are irritated.  Boy kitties are prone to kidney stones.  All cats can get UTIs.  If I continue to go in unapproved locations you probably need to take me to the vet. 

Mouse

Dear Mouse,

I will be watching you.  It just aroused my suspicion when you did this right after jumping on me and kneading me like usual and giving me a weird look.   Can you tell that I am pregnant this soon?  You're just going to have to get used to it.  Do it again and you're going to the vet (and we all know the terrible ordeal that is for you since you pee on yourself every time we go).

Love,
Your suspicious mommy

[OSUJillyBean]

Dear Lucy,

Why are the toys, catnip, and fuzzy blankies I buy for you completely ignored but the random dum-dum sucker completely fascinates you at 3am when you bat it back and forth across the floor for an hour? 

Love,
Your very tired Mommy

[Julian]

Dear Morty

I'm glad that the dried green-lipped mussels Santa left in your stocking meet with your approval.  It's a pity that Salem doesn't enjoy them as much as you.

So when you ate Salem's mussel as well as your own, right on top of Xmas dinner ham and prawns, it is entirely possible that it was one mussel too many.

Nan didn't appreciate you horking it all up on her bed at midnight.

Love
The one who doles out your treats - very sparingly.

[Outdoor Girl]

Dear Sassy and Peggy:

I wasn't sure when I'd be home so I fed you right through tomorrow morning.  So imagine my surprise when I got home and there was almost no food left in your dishes!  And the catsitter might have given you some extra when she dropped in.

Get used to lean times, girls, as it's back to regular rations, starting tonight.

Signed,
The diet police.

[greencat]

Dear Mama Cat,

I am on vacation.  This means that I do not have to get up at 7:30 for work.  Seriously.  You have food.  You have water.  Your litter box is clean.  Let me sleep!

Dear Coffee Bean the kitten,

Awwwwwwww.  You sleep on me every night and as much of the day as you can.  Awwwww.  But seriously, when I need to get up, it's not time to dig your precious little claws into my clothes and hold on for dear life.

Love,

The babysitter

[ladyknight1]

Dear Mocha,

You are adorable. Your sneezes are adorable. Stealing margarine off my muffin 10 seconds after I put the plate down is not adorable.

Love,

Mom

[Melle]

Dear Cat,

my sister is not a trampoline.

Sincerely,

the one who takes flak for your bad behavior

[Dazi]

My dainty little princess,

I know you really have taken a shine to my Christmas slippers, but they are not your kittens.   You've never had kittens.   I do realize that said slippers do look a lot like you, but they still are not your kittens.   Please stop herding them through the house crying and chirping. It freaks me out and I think you are hurt or trapped somewhere. I would really like to Actually wear my Christmas slippers. I do not appreciate you stealing them while they are still on my feet either.

Your loving human

[ladyknight1]

Dear Mocha,

I have worn socks before. Why are you suddenly attacking my poor defenseless foot? Your claws are sharp.

Puzzled,

Mom

[daen]

My dainty little princess,

I know you really have taken a shine to my Christmas slippers, but they are not your kittens.   You've never had kittens.   I do realize that said slippers do look a lot like you, but they still are not your kittens.   Please stop herding them through the house crying and chirping. It freaks me out and I think you are hurt or trapped somewhere. I would really like to Actually wear my Christmas slippers. I do not appreciate you stealing them while they are still on my feet either.

Your loving human

Dazi, I feel for you.

My nitro-kitty similarly thinks that my monkey-slippers are her kittens. She will ignore them if they're on my feet, but if I leave them in the hallway, she'll carry them (by the scruff of the neck) to the living room, to the "safe place" under the coffee table.

And if I leave them where she can find them at night, she sings lullabies to them for a quarter-hour before letting them (and me) go to sleep.

[Midnight Kitty]

Dear Buddy;

That "thing" you keep attacking is the tip of your tail.  Yes - your tail.  It is following you.  It will always follow you.  If you bite it, you will feel the pain, but go ahead and keep chasin' it!  It entertains your *Daddy* and me.

The Hairless One That Provides the Good Food

[mechtilde]

My dainty little princess,

I know you really have taken a shine to my Christmas slippers, but they are not your kittens.   You've never had kittens.   I do realize that said slippers do look a lot like you, but they still are not your kittens.   Please stop herding them through the house crying and chirping. It freaks me out and I think you are hurt or trapped somewhere. I would really like to Actually wear my Christmas slippers. I do not appreciate you stealing them while they are still on my feet either.

Your loving human

Dazi, I feel for you.

My nitro-kitty similarly thinks that my monkey-slippers are her kittens. She will ignore them if they're on my feet, but if I leave them in the hallway, she'll carry them (by the scruff of the neck) to the living room, to the "safe place" under the coffee table.

And if I leave them where she can find them at night, she sings lullabies to them for a quarter-hour before letting them (and me) go to sleep.

Sounds horribly familiar. She's calmed down a little over the years, but my girl still carried around toys, rolled up sock etc around and woe betide any other cat who even considers approaching...

[Jones]

Dear Shadow, Col and Charlie,

Daddy is recovering your cat tree with new carpet. I'm very sorry that you apparently have nowhere else in the house to hang out (could I interest you in the empty lower shelves in the entertainment center or the currently empty beds? How about the laundry hampers?) but taking out your ire out on the dogs isn't helping anyone. Take the bad attitudes to yourself or make use of the doggy door into the fenced yard, you mopey creatures. He says it will be done today, you'll get your hangout back soon.

Oh and Shadow, I don't mind you hanging out by my computer, but get your little pink tongue out of my dinner bowl. Mine!

Signed, the less than sympathetic, non-sharing human.

[AlephReish]

Dearest, darling Gracie-
   I realize this is your first winter on earth. I also realize that you have a fur coat which helps regulate your temperature, and that you can also change positions in your sleep to regulate your temp. My temperature regulation does not work that well - sometimes I need to stick a foot out from under the blankets to cool down a little. Sniffing and inspecting that foot is fine. Deciding that it is an interloper which needs to be attacked is NOT.

Yours truly,
Mom

[Ms_Cellany]

Dear Jack,

We are very happy you came out and socialized for the New Year's Day party.

You, on the other hand:



Love,
The person who thinks that is a very cunning hat.