S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[Midnight Kitty]

Dear Mittens,

When I yell, "Mittens, get off the kitchen counter!" I mean, you, Mittens. 

There is nobody else in the house named Mittens.

Dear Sassy:

I getting really tired of yelling, 'Sass, get down!'

Knock it off!

I may have posted this before, but DH saw a cartoon where a cat introduces himself as, "Hi, my name is No! Get Down!"

[Ser Lucien Liliane]

Dear fellow cat-spirators,

You at least get decorations. My Not-Furry One has only put up one ornament, and she's hung it on the lamp where I can't reach it. She says it's because I'm a holy terror and would promptly destroy anything festive she tried to put out.

Can you believe that? I mean, I'd wait at LEAST five seconds out of respect.

Purrs and licks,
Sophie.

[greencat]

Dear Mittens,

When I yell, "Mittens, get off the kitchen counter!" I mean, you, Mittens. 

There is nobody else in the house named Mittens.

Dear Sassy:

I getting really tired of yelling, 'Sass, get down!'

Knock it off!

I may have posted this before, but DH saw a cartoon where a cat introduces himself as, "Hi, my name is No! Get Down!"

My cats are all collectively named "No!  Don't eat that!"

[atirial]

Dear Stephen,

I know it has been an interesting christmas, with those whistling and crashing noises and the green leafy things falling in the garden, but I think you are having a good year:

- You got fed at 3 am just so we could get some sleep.
- you woke the family up again at five for snuggles
- you chased your sister up the tree
- you got into your catnip present early and woke us up again at seven.

But stealing the butter off the plate of ingredients I was getting ready to make mince pies with was the topper. I didn't know you had got into the room or that you could reach that high until my husband choked and pointed at the cat-like thing with its head over the edge of the table sinking fangs into its yellow prey, which was then dragged off to an awful fate. It's not even ten o'clock, Mr. butter-whiskers

So my apologies for spoiling your day, but we've moved the turkey. Thank heavens it was still wrapped.

Regards,
Your rather annoyed staff.
P.S. You are thirteen years old. Humans grow out of this by five.

[JoW]

Dear Mouse,

You are neutered.  You are over 10 years old.  Why in the WORLD did you spray my bathroom cabinets this morning when you have never done such a thing before?  Not cool dude.

Love,
Your exasperated mommy

Dear Mommy
Maybe I sprayed because my parts are irritated.  Boy kitties are prone to kidney stones.  All cats can get UTIs.  If I continue to go in unapproved locations you probably need to take me to the vet. 

Mouse

[greencat]

Dear Stephen,

I know it has been an interesting christmas, with those whistling and crashing noises and the green leafy things falling in the garden, but I think you are having a good year:

- You got fed at 3 am just so we could get some sleep.
- you woke the family up again at five for snuggles
- you chased your sister up the tree
- you got into your catnip present early and woke us up again at seven.

But stealing the butter off the plate of ingredients I was getting ready to make mince pies with was the topper. I didn't know you had got into the room or that you could reach that high until my husband choked and pointed at the cat-like thing with its head over the edge of the table sinking fangs into its yellow prey, which was then dragged off to an awful fate. It's not even ten o'clock, Mr. butter-whiskers

So my apologies for spoiling your day, but we've moved the turkey. Thank heavens it was still wrapped.

Regards,
Your rather annoyed staff.
P.S. You are thirteen years old. Humans grow out of this by five.

Dear Atiral,

Our hoomin is laughing too hard at this post to pet us. 

Love,

The small pile of black cats greencat is buried under this morning.

[Figgie]

Dear Missy,

Yes, we have strings of bells on the Christmas tree as sort of an "early cat warning device."  When we hear the bells, we grab the squirt bottle and whoever is trying to climb the tree gets squirted and runs off.

You sitting underneath the tree and jiggling the bells to make them ring so that you can watch us grab the squirt bottle and hurry into the living room is NOT funny!!

Love,

                 The Cat Staff

[stargazer]

Dear Mouse,

You are neutered.  You are over 10 years old.  Why in the WORLD did you spray my bathroom cabinets this morning when you have never done such a thing before?  Not cool dude.

Love,
Your exasperated mommy

Dear Mommy
Maybe I sprayed because my parts are irritated.  Boy kitties are prone to kidney stones.  All cats can get UTIs.  If I continue to go in unapproved locations you probably need to take me to the vet. 

Mouse

Dear Mouse,

I will be watching you.  It just aroused my suspicion when you did this right after jumping on me and kneading me like usual and giving me a weird look.   Can you tell that I am pregnant this soon?  You're just going to have to get used to it.  Do it again and you're going to the vet (and we all know the terrible ordeal that is for you since you pee on yourself every time we go).

Love,
Your suspicious mommy

[OSUJillyBean]

Dear Lucy,

Why are the toys, catnip, and fuzzy blankies I buy for you completely ignored but the random dum-dum sucker completely fascinates you at 3am when you bat it back and forth across the floor for an hour? 

Love,
Your very tired Mommy

[Julian]

Dear Morty

I'm glad that the dried green-lipped mussels Santa left in your stocking meet with your approval.  It's a pity that Salem doesn't enjoy them as much as you.

So when you ate Salem's mussel as well as your own, right on top of Xmas dinner ham and prawns, it is entirely possible that it was one mussel too many.

Nan didn't appreciate you horking it all up on her bed at midnight.

Love
The one who doles out your treats - very sparingly.

[Outdoor Girl]

Dear Sassy and Peggy:

I wasn't sure when I'd be home so I fed you right through tomorrow morning.  So imagine my surprise when I got home and there was almost no food left in your dishes!  And the catsitter might have given you some extra when she dropped in.

Get used to lean times, girls, as it's back to regular rations, starting tonight.

Signed,
The diet police.

[greencat]

Dear Mama Cat,

I am on vacation.  This means that I do not have to get up at 7:30 for work.  Seriously.  You have food.  You have water.  Your litter box is clean.  Let me sleep!

Dear Coffee Bean the kitten,

Awwwwwwww.  You sleep on me every night and as much of the day as you can.  Awwwww.  But seriously, when I need to get up, it's not time to dig your precious little claws into my clothes and hold on for dear life.

Love,

The babysitter

[ladyknight1]

Dear Mocha,

You are adorable. Your sneezes are adorable. Stealing margarine off my muffin 10 seconds after I put the plate down is not adorable.

Love,

Mom

[Mal]

Dear Cat,

my sister is not a trampoline.

Sincerely,

the one who takes flak for your bad behavior

[Dazi]

My dainty little princess,

I know you really have taken a shine to my Christmas slippers, but they are not your kittens.   You've never had kittens.   I do realize that said slippers do look a lot like you, but they still are not your kittens.   Please stop herding them through the house crying and chirping. It freaks me out and I think you are hurt or trapped somewhere. I would really like to Actually wear my Christmas slippers. I do not appreciate you stealing them while they are still on my feet either.

Your loving human