S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[atirial]

Dear Matilda,

It is very lovely that after all these years you have finally decided to become a lap cat. Unfortunately, you then object trenously to being made a not-lap cat, to the point that through my jeans my legs are bleeding.  This does not encourage me to let you back on my lap next time.

Trying to stand up should not be ane extreme sport.

Regards,
Mum.

P.S. I know we call you ninja but I don't actually know how you got on my lap in the first place this time. It appears to be the stealth sneak-under-armpit manoveur, but we've yet to catch you at it. Its more we just look down and suddenly there's cat!

[greencat]

Dear Matilda,

It is very lovely that after all these years you have finally decided to become a lap cat. Unfortunately, you then object trenously to being made a not-lap cat, to the point that through my jeans my legs are bleeding.  This does not encourage me to let you back on my lap next time.

Trying to stand up should not be ane extreme sport.

Regards,
Mum.

P.S. I know we call you ninja but I don't actually know how you got on my lap in the first place this time. It appears to be the stealth sneak-under-armpit manoveur, but we've yet to catch you at it. Its more we just look down and suddenly there's cat!

Dear Matilda,

Your human is getting suspicious!  You're not supposed to show them that you can teleport!

Love,

Princess, Tribble, Batman, Joker, Coffee Bean, Pest, Bravery, Wall-E, and Lynx. 

[songbird]

Dear Duchess,

I know it's springtime and you have lots of energy, but it is it rally necessary to run through the entire house, up and down the stairs, over and over again?

[AnnaT]

Dear Oscar

I do love autumn and the colder weather!  I get a very fluffy, snuggly kitty for the next 5 months.

Love
Mum

[greencat]

Dear feral kitty,

Was my dryer really the best place you could come up with to have your kittens?

Thank you,
The human who really, really, really needed to do laundry this morning.

[PastryGoddess]

Dear feral kitty,

Was my dryer really the best place you could come up with to have your kittens?

Thank you,
The human who really, really, really needed to do laundry this morning.

Do you have a cat magnet embedded in your house?

[greencat]

Dear feral kitty,

Was my dryer really the best place you could come up with to have your kittens?

Thank you,
The human who really, really, really needed to do laundry this morning.

Do you have a cat magnet embedded in your house?

I ask myself this question every day.  You would think the massive dog that has free reign over my back yard and the back porch including the laundry room would dissuade the kittehs, but no.

[Liliane]

Dear Sophie,

We all know you are Destructo-Kitten 5000. However, you've been doing a remarkable job of keeping those tendencies under wraps lately. So why did I wake up to find a strip of red carpet from the basement in my hallway this morning? You need to behave yourself until my bathroom's fixed and we can put the basement door back up, or I'm going to have to start locking you up here at night, and you will not like that, mark my words.

...Where did you even find that kind of carpet, anyway?

Quite befuddled,
the Not-Furry One.

[greencat]

Dear kittens,

Especially you, Coffee Bean.   Epic 4-kitten games of chase should not be conducted while Mommy is trying to sleep.  The bed where Mommy is sleeping should not be included in the course.  Attacking the bedmice and running over Mommy's head with claws slightly out should also definitely not be happening.  You guys sound more like a herd of stampeding elephants than kittens have any right to.

Love,
Human who was trying to sleep this morning.

[ladyknight1]

Dear Mocha,

One week from tomorrow you will be one year old. That means we do not buy any more kitten food. You will have plenty of grown up cat food, treats and other items to eat.

I did appreciate all the attention I received when I came home, until I realized it was all geared toward a refill of the kitten food dish. You are too cute.

Love,

mom

[pierrotlunaire0]

Okay, Mr. Dudley, I finally get it.  You are a Green cat, a mightier recycler, a finder of great cat toys where I see only trash.  I will no longer waste my money buying car toys.  I will let you make your toy selections, but I do object to the rather noisy way you do this at 2 am.  That waste paper basket makes a hideous clattering when you knock it over to sort through it.  That is why I am forced to shut it up in the closet every night.

PS -- it is cute to see you handle a milk jug cap like a hockey puck.  Most professional athletes aren't as good as you.

[Elfmama]

Dear kittens,

Especially you, Coffee Bean.   Epic 4-kitten games of chase should not be conducted while Mommy is trying to sleep.  The bed where Mommy is sleeping should not be included in the course.  Attacking the bedmice and running over Mommy's head with claws slightly out should also definitely not be happening.  You guys sound more like a herd of stampeding elephants than kittens have any right to.

Love,
Human who was trying to sleep this morning.

Isn't it amazing how much thunder a little tiny animal with whisper-soft paws can produce?

[shhh its me]

Okay, Mr. Dudley, I finally get it.  You are a Green cat, a mightier recycler, a finder of great cat toys where I see only trash.  I will no longer waste my money buying car toys.  I will let you make your toy selections, but I do object to the rather noisy way you do this at 2 am.  That waste paper basket makes a hideous clattering when you knock it over to sort through it.  That is why I am forced to shut it up in the closet every night.

PS -- it is cute to see you handle a milk jug cap like a hockey puck.  Most professional athletes aren't as good as you.

If I ever own a pet supply company the cat toy section would be stocked with....the box tops of board games , milk rings , invisible spots , open magazines and plastic bags.

[JoW]

Dear Matilda,

It is very lovely that after all these years you have finally decided to become a lap cat. Unfortunately, you then object trenously to being made a not-lap cat, to the point that through my jeans my legs are bleeding.  .....

Dear Matilda
My human slave has discovered how easy it is to trim my toe nails.  She puts her thumb on top of my foot, her first 2 fingers under the bottom, and squeezes gently, forcing me to extend my claws.  Then she uses her nail trimmers to nip the points off the tips of my claws.  I hate it but it makes her accept kneeding more often.
Sassy

[Ms_Cellany]

Dear Matilda,

It is very lovely that after all these years you have finally decided to become a lap cat. Unfortunately, you then object trenously to being made a not-lap cat, to the point that through my jeans my legs are bleeding.  .....

Dear Matilda
My human slave has discovered how easy it is to trim my toe nails.  She puts her thumb on top of my foot, her first 2 fingers under the bottom, and squeezes gently, forcing me to extend my claws.  Then she uses her nail trimmers to nip the points off the tips of my claws.  I hate it but it makes her accept kneeding more often.
Sassy

Dear Sassy,

Our hoomins are extra-sneaky. They do this when we're asleep.

The Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts