S/O Dear Dog...Dear Cat

[pierrotlunaire0]

Okay, Mr. Dudley, I finally get it.  You are a Green cat, a mightier recycler, a finder of great cat toys where I see only trash.  I will no longer waste my money buying car toys.  I will let you make your toy selections, but I do object to the rather noisy way you do this at 2 am.  That waste paper basket makes a hideous clattering when you knock it over to sort through it.  That is why I am forced to shut it up in the closet every night.

PS -- it is cute to see you handle a milk jug cap like a hockey puck.  Most professional athletes aren't as good as you.

[Elfmama]

Dear kittens,

Especially you, Coffee Bean.   Epic 4-kitten games of chase should not be conducted while Mommy is trying to sleep.  The bed where Mommy is sleeping should not be included in the course.  Attacking the bedmice and running over Mommy's head with claws slightly out should also definitely not be happening.  You guys sound more like a herd of stampeding elephants than kittens have any right to.

Love,
Human who was trying to sleep this morning.

Isn't it amazing how much thunder a little tiny animal with whisper-soft paws can produce?

[shhh its me]

Okay, Mr. Dudley, I finally get it.  You are a Green cat, a mightier recycler, a finder of great cat toys where I see only trash.  I will no longer waste my money buying car toys.  I will let you make your toy selections, but I do object to the rather noisy way you do this at 2 am.  That waste paper basket makes a hideous clattering when you knock it over to sort through it.  That is why I am forced to shut it up in the closet every night.

PS -- it is cute to see you handle a milk jug cap like a hockey puck.  Most professional athletes aren't as good as you.

If I ever own a pet supply company the cat toy section would be stocked with....the box tops of board games , milk rings , invisible spots , open magazines and plastic bags.

[JoW]

Dear Matilda,

It is very lovely that after all these years you have finally decided to become a lap cat. Unfortunately, you then object trenously to being made a not-lap cat, to the point that through my jeans my legs are bleeding.  .....

Dear Matilda
My human slave has discovered how easy it is to trim my toe nails.  She puts her thumb on top of my foot, her first 2 fingers under the bottom, and squeezes gently, forcing me to extend my claws.  Then she uses her nail trimmers to nip the points off the tips of my claws.  I hate it but it makes her accept kneeding more often.
Sassy

[Ms_Cellany]

Dear Matilda,

It is very lovely that after all these years you have finally decided to become a lap cat. Unfortunately, you then object trenously to being made a not-lap cat, to the point that through my jeans my legs are bleeding.  .....

Dear Matilda
My human slave has discovered how easy it is to trim my toe nails.  She puts her thumb on top of my foot, her first 2 fingers under the bottom, and squeezes gently, forcing me to extend my claws.  Then she uses her nail trimmers to nip the points off the tips of my claws.  I hate it but it makes her accept kneeding more often.
Sassy

Dear Sassy,

Our hoomins are extra-sneaky. They do this when we're asleep.

The Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts

[spookycatlady]

Dear Clyde, the Second;

I am not a sandwich.

Love,
Not a Sandwich.

[Mal]

Dear cat,

I know you're hiding something from me. I'd like you to explain to me how the hedgehog got in. Our garden, my dear, is confined for a reason, and if there's a hole big enough for a hedgehog, it's big enough for you. Have you been traipsing around the neighborhood while I was sleeping?

Sincerely,
she whom you insist on waking ten minutes before the alarm goes off anyway

[Ms_Cellany]

Dear Boojum,

You're peaceful and undemanding at all times except for 2 a.m., when you want something, you want it bad, and you want it now!

What is it? What do you want? What?

What?

What?

Dear FSM, what?

[Ser Lucien Liliane]

Dear Rika,

You know you are supposed to GET OFF THE BED when you have to hork. You know it makes me terribly unhappy when I'm nearly asleep and have to promptly bolt awake to shove you off the bed because you've begun horking. Why do you not just make it easier on the both of us and put your furry little self on the floor when you feel the urge come on??

Then again, it's been three years and you still haven't figured out that I remove you from the back of my chair because You're Not Supposed To Be Up There.

Sigh,
the Not-Furry One.

[Amara]

Amara,

You'll notice there is no "dear" in the opening. There is a reason for this: two gigantic regurgitated piles of eaten but undigested fish-flavored canned food this morning. ON. THE. LIVING. ROOM. RUG. My favorite beautiful mint green rug.

If my five-minute yelling spree as I was trying to clean up without vomiting didn't tell you, let me tell you now. I am angry. Very angry. I will probably be angry when I get home from work. I may even be angry when I go to bed. You may expect forgiveness at some time but it will not be today.

Mom--who wants a divorce from you right now.

[atirial]

Dear Amara,

Just look cute and your human will forgive whatever you threw up on. It worked for me and pillows. Even ones with heads on them.

Yours
Matilda.

[blue2000]

Dear Boojum,

You're peaceful and undemanding at all times except for 2 a.m., when you want something, you want it bad, and you want it now!

What is it? What do you want? What?

What?

What?

Dear FSM, what?

Dear Mama,

I want attention. No, not playing. Not snacks. Nothing like that. I just want your constant, unwavering attention. Lately you have the audacity to be asleep when you should be paying attention to me. And you wonder why I howl?

Love, Boojum

[AnnaT]

Dear Oscar

You are a cat.  You have no opposable thumbs.  You cannot turn pages.  You cannot read. 

Why then do you insist on pulling books out of the bookshelf at CRUD MONKEYS!-30 in the morning? 

Love
Mum

[greencat]

Dear Oscar

You are a cat.  You have no opposable thumbs.  You cannot turn pages.  You cannot read. 

Why then do you insist on pulling books out of the bookshelf at CRUD MONKEYS!-30 in the morning? 

Love
Mum

Because it's hard to sleep on vertical books.

[shhh its me]

Dear Oscar

You are a cat.  You have no opposable thumbs.  You cannot turn pages.  You cannot read. 

Why then do you insist on pulling books out of the bookshelf at CRUD MONKEYS!-30 in the morning? 

Love
Mum

Dear mum,

I was discovering gravity.  My theories require extensive testing.

Love
Oscar