General Etiquette > Family and Children

I can't take it!

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jrice07:
Hi, I love your forums and thanks for letting me become a part of the community.

You folks know it best, so I am inclined to ask.

I am a senior in college (21) and recently went out with my mother, her sister (my aunt) and my aunt's granddaughter (my cousins's daughter). This child is in the fourth grade and is terrible with manners. At our lunch table, she constantly interrupted, chewed (and coughed!) with her mouth open and full of food, and to top it off, she's a "whiner," complete with huffing and puffing.

We ate at a somewhat nice restaraunt, where the waiter takes your food to the back to box it up, instead of bringing the boxes for you to do it. All 4 of us wanted boxes. He lifted up 3 of the plates (which were big and heavy) and the child exclaimed "What about me??? Where's my box?!" in a whiny, demanding way TO THE WAITER! I was very embarrassed by her behavior and couldn't believe she got away with it. The mom and the grandmother do very little to help the situation, except saying in a non-firm voice to stop, which doesn't work. At 21, I am in college very far away from home, so the only time I see my aunt is when I come home for the holidays, and granddaughter is always in tow. I am unsure if it is acceptable to say something to the girl, like "please stop chewing with your mouth open, it's difficult for me to eat" or if I should just decline the invite to lunch, which I think would be rude, considering the aunt tries to set these meetings up in advance.

Any advice? Thanks in advance, love the site and love the forum more!
J

Pixie:
I wish I had some advice.  I have a niece who is the same way...... and Holier-than-thou to boot.  She got on my last nerve whenever I had to be in her company.   Fortunately, with 29 nieces and nephews, only 2 turned out that way.   I simply kept my mouth shut and pretended to see nothing.

My Mom was a no-nonsense kind of Grandma, and did actually try to get the child to mind her manners.  Bless her heart for trying... sigh...  That child is now 28 years old and has 2 kids of her own. 

goblue2539:
I think you'd be ok to mention, quietly if at all possible, that you'd prefer not to sit across from little girl.  Other than that, it sounds like it's too distant of a relationship for you to actually correct her, unless she's whining directly to you.  In which case, the old standby of "I can't understand you when you talk that way" is acceptable to me too. 

Mostly, I'd just make comments in my head and try not to look at her when eating.  Is there anyone you could maybe share your complaints with.  I've found even, "I can't wait to post this on eHell" thoughts can help me keep my mouth shut in situations like that. 

ShadesOfGrey:
If you only have to see her sometimes, I'd say just put up with it and make arrangements so that you are as little exposed as possible.  My only exception: If she is rude to you or something that directly involves you (interrupting you, or spitting at you, or whining at you).  Then I would recommend speaking up directly to her, as she is interacting directly with you.  Nothing nasty or trying to admonish her, but a simple "Niece, I am speaking, and it it rude to interrupt, please wait your turn to speak/Niece, I dont like being spit on, please close your mouth when you chew." Just because the parents allow rude behavior, does NOT mean that you have to too.  Just because they dont respect their parents, does NOT mean that they shouldnt respect you. 

If the mother doesnt get the hint and intervene at that point or keeps allowing her daughter to interrupt, I would (honestly, I would) say something like "I would really like to have this conversation with you, but I find it distracting to be interrupted so many times. Perhaps we could talk a little later, when it's a little easier to concentrate." Of course, this is only if the child is egregious AND old enough to know better AND it is rude to you directly (not just aggravating in general).

My step-sister (much younger, maybe 10 at the time) had a foul mouth.  Her dad (a genuinely nice guy) wasnt good at disciplining her.  I never told her it was 'wrong' to swear, I simply told her that I didnt like it, and not to do it around me.  I personally feel this was entirely appropriate. 

Clara Bow:
There's nothing wrong with asking the child to chew with her mouth shut, but be prepared to either be ignored or whined at. Kids like that have often gone beyond what can be easily controlled as they've never been taught how to act or how to interact with adults.
I think that I would continue to see my aunt, but ask to be seated away from little miss charming. And when she whines ignore her. Tell her that you do not respond to that tone and behavior and if she wants to talk to you she will do it like an adult or not at all. That's how we're breaking my son of whining and it is working. Of course he's three....

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