Am I being too sensitive? Facebook debate. LONG

[HoneyBee]

I could use some outside input on if I am being overly sensitive about this issue.  I have thought about this all day, am still upset by it, so I thought I'd get an E-hell opinion.  If this is not the appropriate board for this post, moderators please feel free to move it.

BG:  DH and I have a friend (Kara) we met when we moved here little over a year ago, who is very sweet.  I enjoy her company.  She has a very different opinion on many subjects than DH and I do, but that has never been a problem.  Diversity is what makes the world go 'round.  She was EXTREMELY helpful emotionally to me when DH was VERY ill in the hospital in March and April.  She provided some specific emotional support that I did not have from any other friends or family.  She was also instrumental in planning some events in DH's name, including a blood drive and a fundraiser, all her own ideas.  We will be forever grateful for all of her support through this, and I have thanked her in as many ways as I know how! (End BG)

Here is the issue - Kara recently posted a video on her Facebook page regarding a VERY hot topic, which supports her view on the topic.  I have a very differing view on the topic.  I politely replied to said video, and was very respectful to her in my reply.  I basically said: the video is sad, this is a very personal issue, everyone needs to make their own decision on this issue depending on what is right for them.  My choice is (this choice) because of (these issues).  Again, I was very respectful.  And she responded in kind, respectfully as well.

Kara had another friend (Maria) post a reply to the video.  Maria shares Kara's views on the topic. Maria shared them in a VERY STRONGLY opinionated way.  Kara then replied to Maria that "I'd think you & <your DH> of ALL my friends would be most knowledgeable on this."  

I took this comment as insulting to myself, and I am still hurt by it.  I have doctorate level training on said topic, and Kara certainly knows this with my profession.  I do not know Maria personally, but I know OF her (this is a relatively small town...) and I know what she does for a living.  It has nothing to do with said topic.  Maria probably knows me and my profession as well.  I don't know what her DH does.  

I keep trying to tell myself that this is silly, that Kara likely did not mean to insult me with her comment.  I am still quite hurt, however.  Maria was VERY STRONGLY opinionated, somewhat disrespectful of my opinion, and Kara is supporting her.  This truly seemed like a jab at me.  

Am I being overly sensitive?  If not, should I say something to Kara about how I am hurt?  If I say something, what do I say without sounding whiny or petty?

I don't feel that knowing the exact nature of VERY hot topic will help you all in your responses to me.  It has the potential to make this thread go in the wrong direction and become locked, which I am trying to avoid.  However, if you feel knowing the nature of the topic will be helpful, you are welcome to PM me, and I will give you more information.

ETA: I gave them names to make the situation more clear.

[TootsNYC]

I think that, as a policy, no one should let things said on Facebook, especially not about hot topics, influence any real-life relationships.


And in fact, I would urge you to never, never, never comment on hot-topic posts that other people make. You know you disagree, she knows you disagree; nobody SENSIBLE would think that just because you're on one another's "friends" list that you agree in every hot topic.

Treat those sorts of "status updates"/videos/whatever as the spam that I believe they are.

[DottyG]

I'm a little lost on who said what. Could you give Friend and Friend's Friend names or something, so it reads more easily?

[gollymolly2]

It sounds like this is a wonderful friend who is there for you when you need her. You should just recognize that this is a topic that you will both always be on opposite ends of, and there's no purpose in engaging in a conversation on that topic. It would be one thing if she had come on your wall and brought it up, but since you went on her wall and criticized her beliefs, I don't think you should pursue this any farther.

[Nurvingiel]

Kara then replied to Maria that "I'd think you & <your DH> of ALL my friends would be most knowledgeable on this." 

I'm confused. Why would this hurt your feelings? This was a comment from Kara to Maria. They weren't talking about you.

Do you feel that Kara implied that you were not knowledgeable on this topic? To me, it does not read like that. I see, "Maria, I know you are very interested in this topic so I expect you to be the most knowledgeable out of everyone I know."

Not, "Maria, all my friends except you are knuckledraggers who can barely manage to post a status update." ()

Sorry for the confusion. I'm not belittling your feelings, I just don't understand.

[MaggieB]

I would try not to take this personally.  I was thinking about this, and or one thing, I don't alway take the time to come up with the perfect word to use when commenting on Facebook.  It's possible that she didn't actually mean that the friend *knows* more...just that she values her opinion because they usually agree with each other.

It also occurred to me that, because you don't know your friend's friend, you don't really know how they interact with each other in general, and the whole thing could have been a joke.  My sister and I are in complete agreement on almost all things religious and political.  We often joke about how smart the other one is because we rarely, if ever, disagree on these things.  I can totally see myself leaving her a comment like "Of course you think that!  You're the smartest person I know!"  Even though there are much smarter people than both of us on both sides of every issue.  

[Ceallach]

I agree with gollymolly.    There are several people on my facebook friends list who have posted topics and joined groups that I find completely repugnant.  I choose to simply ignore them.  As long as they're not aiming things at me or trying to change my views, I won't get involved.

It would be different if this person had posted it directly to you, but you chose to go over to their "space" to push your alternate viewpoint. I can see how from Kara's perspective she might have found it offensive that you did that, even if it was done politely.   It just wasn't necessary.   It's clear that they have a different viewpoint to you, so I wouldn't take her comments personally.  You started it when you posted the dissenting viewpoint on her wall.

[NOVA Lady]

I think that you should let this one go and never ever comment on any hot topics. I have a FB friend who often post things I really disagree with on FB and I know that replying  will only start a fight, I did eventually have to block her from my feed, but that was only because she would post daily about some really hot topics.

[Roe]

I have many friends who differ politically than I do.  I have a few who will post offensive comments on their wall.  I do not respond to them.  It is their space and as offensive as I find the comments, they are free to say whatever they wish on their space.  I don't even try to change their mind, even politely.  

Now if your friend made comments that were offensive to you and YOUR wall, then I would get upset.  As it is, you were first to strike by commenting on a hot topic on her wall.

[Brentwood]

Am I being overly sensitive?

I think you probably are. Kara's response to Maria almost certainly had nothing to do with you. I'd let it go.

[siamesecat2965]

I think that, as a policy, no one should let things said on Facebook, especially not about hot topics, influence any real-life rel@tionships.


And in fact, I would urge you to never, never, never comment on hot-topic posts that other people make. You know you disagree, she knows you disagree; nobody SENSIBLE would think that just because you're on one another's "friends" list that you agree in every hot topic.

Treat those sorts of "status updates"/videos/whatever as the spam that I believe they are.

This is exactly what I do; I have a friend on FB who I don't know all that well, she is a good friend of one of my close friends....while I've spent time with her, we are not all that close, but I like her, and enjoy spending time with her and my close friend.  That being said, she has VERY different ideas and opinions and beliefs about a number of VERY controversial issues than I do, and will frequently post about them.  And others will respond; and while I may not agree with either what she posts, or what some of the responders say, I stay out of it.  I don't feel I know her or any of her friends for that matter well enough to engage in any kind of debateon these subjects. 

I think TootsNYC is correct; perhaps in the future just observe, but leave it at that, and I'd just let this one go.  Its hard sometimes to guage what folks mean or their intent is when posting on something like FB or anywhere else online....

[Elfqueen13]

Perhaps Maria has some personal experience that gives her insight from another direction and colors her view?  I don't think it had anything to do with you, more Kara thanking Maria for publicly sharing her views.

[whiterose]

A lot of my friends/colleagues/family do post things on Facebook that I disagree with- and that goes on both extremes of the spectrum. Sometimes their opinions are very strong and can be perceived as offensive- but I do not let them offend me, since I know they do not intend them to offend me or anyone in particular.

If I disagree with a group, I will not join it.

If someone states something that is downright offensive- which has happened in LJ but not in FB- I will tell the person politely what the problem is.

[Queen of Clubs]

Kara had another friend (Maria) post a reply to the video.  Maria shares Kara's views on the topic. Maria shared them in a VERY STRONGLY opinionated way.  Kara then replied to Maria that "I'd think you & <your DH> of ALL my friends would be most knowledgeable on this."  

I took this comment as insulting to myself, and I am still hurt by it.  I have doctorate level training on said topic, and Kara certainly knows this with my profession.  I do not know Maria personally, but I know OF her (this is a relatively small town...) and I know what she does for a living.  It has nothing to do with said topic.  Maria probably knows me and my profession as well.  I don't know what her DH does.  

Is it possible that Maria has studied the topic as well?  If so, that, coupled with her opinion coinciding with Kara's, could make Kara believe that Maria is more knowledgeable than you.  Not because she is, or because her training was more thorough, but as Kara undoubtedly believes she is right, then Maria must know more because she agrees with Kara.

It is possible that it's a jab at you, and I don't doubt that it's hurtful.  But it could be that Kara didn't even think of your training, just that Maria's viewpoint is the same as hers.  If you can, I'd let it go.  And ignore any posts Kara makes on the same topic in the future.

{{{hugs}}}

[MissyMa'am]

What you're experiencing is the reason I, as a rule, do not say anything controversial on Facebook.  I see lots of things I disagree with, some written by people who know what I believe and know I'll be reading it, but I prefer to use Facebook as a place to keep up with friends in a lighthearted way, and reconnect with old friends.  I don't think any of us needs another source of drama in our lives!

So if I were you, OP, I'd just let it go.  Sounds like Maria is definitely jabbing at you, and I understand why you're hurt.  You're justified in that.  But the best way to prevent further hurt to yourself and damage to your friendship, is to let it go and refrain from commenting on controversial topics this particular friend posts in the future.