How much should a host inconvenience themselves?

[sparksals]

Count me in as someone who would want my guests to tactfully ask for something. I had the TV situation come up recently and was just not aware that it was keeping someone else awake. I was able to happily turn it down and they were able to happily get to sleep. Why should guests "grin and bear it" when a communicated, reasonable request can easily be accomodated? (Key word=reasonable)

I completely agree. Truth be told, I'm not altogether sure I'd be too eager to invite somebody back, who felt they couldn't even ask for something as easily accommodated as the above examples. It'd make me feel that they obviously didn't feel comfortable around me, which in turn would make me feel uncomfortable about hosting them again.

Somebody who'd rather "never return", than let me know they'd like something changed doesn't sound like too much of a friend in the first place. If proper etiquette is worth more to them than my friendship... well then goodbye and good riddance.

You would honestly  do goodbye and good riddance because someone felt they were being polite by not saying anything for fear of inconveniencing the host?  It's not feeling uncomfortable asking.  It's because some of us were raised that it is impolite to ask and to take exactly how things are offered by the host.  I'm quite surprised you would pass judgment on someone over something like this enough to no longer consider a friend.  That's a bit much, I think, and I guess the reverse could be said about your (general) level of friendship to make such sweeping judgment b/c someone is being polite.

[evely28]

I do reciprocity. I would be uncomfortable to find myself only staying with a friend and yet the friend declining all invitations to stay with me based on my apparent failure as a hostess to provide comfortable accomodation. I would see it as a bit of a  betrayal of our rel@tionship to be close enough to exchange and trust each others confidences and yet my friend doesn't trust me enough or know me well enough to ask me for a simple thing?

We are talking about friends here. For an aquaintance, I may not say anything. This is also, only for things that could be rectified at the time, loud tv, no towels in the bathroom......I wouldn't ask someone to turn their heat up or change their meal planning to accomodate me as I see that as fitting into their lifestyle.

[sparksals]

I do reciprocity. I would be uncomfortable to find myself only staying with a friend and yet the friend declining all invitations to stay with me based on my apparent failure as a hostess to provide comfortable accomodation. I would see it as a bit of a  betrayal of our rel@tionship to be close enough to exchange and trust each others confidences and yet my friend doesn't trust me enough or know me well enough to ask me for a simple thing?

We are talking about friends here. For an aquaintance, I may not say anything. This is also, only for things that could be rectified at the time, loud tv, no towels in the bathroom......I wouldn't ask someone to turn their heat up or change their meal planning to accomodate me as I see that as fitting into their lifestyle.

Ahhh.. that makes a bit more sense.  Although I don't see it as a friendship ending issue . If it's a close friend, I probably may ask for something, but not someone like my parent's friends or DH's Great Aunt Batty. 

[MariaE]

Count me in as someone who would want my guests to tactfully ask for something. I had the TV situation come up recently and was just not aware that it was keeping someone else awake. I was able to happily turn it down and they were able to happily get to sleep. Why should guests "grin and bear it" when a communicated, reasonable request can easily be accomodated? (Key word=reasonable)

I completely agree. Truth be told, I'm not altogether sure I'd be too eager to invite somebody back, who felt they couldn't even ask for something as easily accommodated as the above examples. It'd make me feel that they obviously didn't feel comfortable around me, which in turn would make me feel uncomfortable about hosting them again.

Somebody who'd rather "never return", than let me know they'd like something changed doesn't sound like too much of a friend in the first place. If proper etiquette is worth more to them than my friendship... well then goodbye and good riddance.

You would honestly  do goodbye and good riddance because someone felt they were being polite by not saying anything for fear of inconveniencing the host?  It's not feeling uncomfortable asking.  It's because some of us were raised that it is impolite to ask and to take exactly how things are offered by the host.  I'm quite surprised you would pass judgment on someone over something like this enough to no longer consider a friend.  That's a bit much, I think, and I guess the reverse could be said about your (general) level of friendship to make such sweeping judgment b/c someone is being polite.

I don't think that's what I said, but if that's how it sounded, then I'd better explain myself.

If somebody came over to visit, was uncomfortable by something that could easily be remedied and didn't say, I wouldn't be likely to invite them over again, but would make sure we met at their place or in "neutral" spots, for the sake of their comfort.

If somebody came over to vist, was uncomfortable by something that could easily be remedied to the point that they'd never come and visit again and didn't say anything, then I'd think goodbye and good riddance. In that case I would seriously feel they picked etiquette over friendship.

Of course, all this requires that I'd somehow find out, which isn't terribly likely even in the second case, and even less in the first.

[sparksals]

Ok, that makes much more sense.  It sounded to me that you'd ditch the friendship if they didn't express something to you that make them feel uncomfortable in terms of house temperature, TV volume etc.

[MariaE]

Ok, that makes much more sense.  It sounded to me that you'd ditch the friendship if they didn't express something to you that make them feel uncomfortable in terms of house temperature, TV volume etc.

Ah, no. I would be very upset if I found out that they hadn't said anything though. I would expect a friend to ask to borrow a sweater if she found my house cold. To me there are some levels of etiquette that has no place between close friends, and this is one of them.

[sparksals]

Ok, that makes much more sense.  It sounded to me that you'd ditch the friendship if they didn't express something to you that make them feel uncomfortable in terms of house temperature, TV volume etc.

Ah, no. I would be very upset if I found out that they hadn't said anything though. I would expect a friend to ask to borrow a sweater if she found my house cold. To me there are some levels of etiquette that has no place between close friends, and this is one of them.

Gotcha. 

[Miss Understood]

I don't think that asking if the TV could be turned down could be considered rude so long as it is a polite request. After all, the host can always say no. I would see it less as a comment on the host's hospitality and more an expression of preference of lower volume to higher volume. A guest can express a preference to showers in the morning, and as a host I can say that they need to be taken at night. The host/guest rel@tionship is one where both are going to have some intrusion on their normal routine and in order for both to have the most enjoyable experience possible - which I think most people would want - communication needs to happen.

It's just my POV, but I've been on the wrong side of a bad night's sleep enough to know what a miserable experience it is and would feel that such a basic part of hospitality for my guest would come before something which is (for me anyway) an optional luxury. I would want to know if my guest was unable to sleep due to something that was within my power to change. I wouldn't see it as a comment on my hospitality, after all they aren't complaining about the accommodations that I've provided to them.

I would find it very strange and off-putting to be told when i need to shower, as a guest. I hope if you are serious you offer your guests some sort of explanation, like the water heater not working right in the morning or something. Am i alone in this, or is this normal?

I would find it quite strange also, to be told night or morning for a shower. Having a guest or a host state an intended time however, is a kindness. "I will need the bathroom from 7:00 until 7:20, will that be a problem?" gives everyone a heads up and parameters in which to work.

I too would be not pleased to be told I had to shower at night.  I would be ready to accommodate my hosts' schedules as far as getting up earlier than I needed to, or letting them go first in case the hot water was an issue, but I wake up with Medusa hair and showering in the morning is imperative if I am going to look presentable.

[Miss Understood]

I was invited, with 6 month-old DD, to stay with a friend for two nights on the weekend, DH was working. I had a lovely time, but a couple of small incidents had me thinking. How much do you expect to inconvenience yourself for the sake of your guests?

Two examples. DD has been sleeping until 2am, then waking for a couple of hours recently, so I've been trying to be in bed by 9 so I can get some sleep. Host knew this, but when I finally got to bed closer to 10, she was still watching TV and had it on quite loudly. She went on to bed at 10.30. It was a Saturday night, and she was probably not ready for bed at 9, I realise.

There is quite a bit of paraphernalia associated with feeding DD - bottles, formula tin, steriliser etc that is in constant use throughout the day. I always left things tidily lined up on the kitchen bench, and every time I went to do bottles, everything had been packed away again in the bag I brought. Host is much more of a clean 'enthusiast' than me, and I ended up packing everything away myself each time, but it was a pain.

Neither of these things is worth making any kind of fuss over, but I would think that when inviting houseguests, you should expect not to be able to have things exactly as you would when on your own. Or am I expecting to have everything my way?

I have read this whole thread, and I am amazed that no one has mentioned the bolded portion above.  Isn't it very likely that the host was at least equally disturbed, sleepwise, by her guest's DD waking up at 2 and being awake until 4?  The OP says she can't sleep while DD is awake (understandably) but it's pretty likely that anyone else in the household will be having problems sleeping also.  Given that, I think complaining about watching TV until 10:30 on a Saturday night is a little unreasonable, although I'm not sure why OP couldn't have just said "I'm going to bed now, as DD will be waking me [and likely you] up at 2, so if you could turn down the volume I would appreciate it."  The feeding paraphernalia should have been either put away between uses or discussed between OP and her host.  I know counter space in my kitchen is at a premium and I would not be thrilled to find a bunch of stuff (however tidily) stowed there every morning.

[MariaE]

I was invited, with 6 month-old DD, to stay with a friend for two nights on the weekend, DH was working. I had a lovely time, but a couple of small incidents had me thinking. How much do you expect to inconvenience yourself for the sake of your guests?

Two examples. DD has been sleeping until 2am, then waking for a couple of hours recently, so I've been trying to be in bed by 9 so I can get some sleep. Host knew this, but when I finally got to bed closer to 10, she was still watching TV and had it on quite loudly. She went on to bed at 10.30. It was a Saturday night, and she was probably not ready for bed at 9, I realise.

There is quite a bit of paraphernalia associated with feeding DD - bottles, formula tin, steriliser etc that is in constant use throughout the day. I always left things tidily lined up on the kitchen bench, and every time I went to do bottles, everything had been packed away again in the bag I brought. Host is much more of a clean 'enthusiast' than me, and I ended up packing everything away myself each time, but it was a pain.

Neither of these things is worth making any kind of fuss over, but I would think that when inviting houseguests, you should expect not to be able to have things exactly as you would when on your own. Or am I expecting to have everything my way?

I have read this whole thread, and I am amazed that no one has mentioned the bolded portion above.  Isn't it very likely that the host was at least equally disturbed, sleepwise, by her guest's DD waking up at 2 and being awake until 4?  The OP says she can't sleep while DD is awake (understandably) but it's pretty likely that anyone else in the household will be having problems sleeping also.  Given that, I think complaining about watching TV until 10:30 on a Saturday night is a little unreasonable, although I'm not sure why OP couldn't have just said "I'm going to bed now, as DD will be waking me [and likely you] up at 2, so if you could turn down the volume I would appreciate it."  The feeding paraphernalia should have been either put away between uses or discussed between OP and her host.  I know counter space in my kitchen is at a premium and I would not be thrilled to find a bunch of stuff (however tidily) stowed there every morning.

Depends on the layout of the house, how far the guestroom is from the host's bedroom and if DD cries or just fusses. I could easily see people sleep through it. I'm a light sleeper, and even I likely wouldn't be bothered unless there was prolonged crying.

[TootsNYC]

I was invited, with 6 month-old DD, to stay with a friend for two nights on the weekend, DH was working. I had a lovely time, but a couple of small incidents had me thinking. How much do you expect to inconvenience yourself for the sake of your guests?

Two examples. DD has been sleeping until 2am, then waking for a couple of hours recently, so I've been trying to be in bed by 9 so I can get some sleep. Host knew this, but when I finally got to bed closer to 10, she was still watching TV and had it on quite loudly. She went on to bed at 10.30. It was a Saturday night, and she was probably not ready for bed at 9, I realise.

There is quite a bit of paraphernalia associated with feeding DD - bottles, formula tin, steriliser etc that is in constant use throughout the day. I always left things tidily lined up on the kitchen bench, and every time I went to do bottles, everything had been packed away again in the bag I brought. Host is much more of a clean 'enthusiast' than me, and I ended up packing everything away myself each time, but it was a pain.

Neither of these things is worth making any kind of fuss over, but I would think that when inviting houseguests, you should expect not to be able to have things exactly as you would when on your own. Or am I expecting to have everything my way?

I have read this whole thread, and I am amazed that no one has mentioned the bolded portion above.  Isn't it very likely that the host was at least equally disturbed, sleepwise, by her guest's DD waking up at 2 and being awake until 4?  The OP says she can't sleep while DD is awake (understandably) but it's pretty likely that anyone else in the household will be having problems sleeping also.  Given that, I think complaining about watching TV until 10:30 on a Saturday night is a little unreasonable, although I'm not sure why OP couldn't have just said "I'm going to bed now, as DD will be waking me [and likely you] up at 2, so if you could turn down the volume I would appreciate it."  The feeding paraphernalia should have been either put away between uses or discussed between OP and her host.  I know counter space in my kitchen is at a premium and I would not be thrilled to find a bunch of stuff (however tidily) stowed there every morning.

The kid is TWO; she'll wake up then. How, exactly, is the OP supposed to stop it?

And if the OP can actually get to sleep at the right time, then she can be rested enough to be awake and therefore minimize the damage to the sleep of the OTHER people in the house.

[Miss Understood]

She's not supposed to stop it, but since she (or rather her DD) is going to be creating noise in the middle of the night, it seems a bit much to complain about her host creating noise at 10:30 on a Saturday night (yes, I know one is a choice and the other isn't, but noise is noise and 2AM is more disruptive than 10:30PM to most people).  As I already said, it would have been perfectly fine for her to ask her host to turn the TV down, but since she didn't do that, I don't think it's fair for her to expect her host to automatically intuit that it was too loud.