We'll be there, but. . .

[Mammavan]

I'm quite close to one of my cousins (J); we have similar interests and see each other about once a month, either the two of us for women-interest events or for joint family meals.  She's a good-hearted soul and we don't have any issues.

Last month, we attended a poetry reading and at the end of the evening, we commented on the fact that we had had a very busy fall and our families had not gotten together since my daughter's wedding in August.  I invited them for dinner on Sunday.  (This was Thursday night.)  That weekend I made a special trip to an ethnic market about 25 miles away and bought provisions (special cheese, meats, and olives for antipasti, home-made pasta, fabulous pastries) for a special Italian dinner because I wanted to try out a new Tuscan cook book.  Sunday morning I called to arrange the time, and J said she guessed she had not understood that it was a firm invitation and they could not make it because she had some work to do and had to pack to leave on a trip after work the next day.  I was mildly annoyed but assuaged that with a few cannolis and life went on.

I traditionally host our families' Christmas Eve celebration.  We go all-out for a lavish meal and love to have everyone (about 20 of us) together.  Some years J and her family attend, and some years they travel to spend the holidays with one of her two sisters.  This year they'll be home for the holidays, and they planned to join us for Christmas Eve.  Last night she informed me that her son had been asked to play the organ for Christmas Eve services, which would be from 6:00-7:00 p.m.  Our festivities begin at 5:00 p.m.; it's a 30-minute drive to her town.  She isn't sure whether they'll come first and then leave and return or whether her son will drive himself and they'll stay at our house.  Either way, our dinner plans will be complicated.

My question is, am I overreacting by feeling this is rude, possibly because there are some vestiges of annoyance over our last canceled dinner.  This was not a case of the regular organist falling ill and the church desperately needing someone to play for the holiday services; it's just a late request.  Is the etiquette rule that you don't cancel out on one invitation because you receive another voided when it's a church that extends the second invitation?

I'm tired and stressed with holiday preparations and some other good but time-consuming things that are going on in my life.  I don't trust my reaction that they're treating my house like an all-night diner--we'll come for appetizers at 5:00, leave at 5:30, return at 7:30 for the dinner and dessert course--to be fair.  We do have a good relationship, which I would not like to damage.  Would a mild e-mail saying that I am hurt that she's treating our hospitality in such a cavalier way be out of line?

[Lisbeth]

I'd tell J, "I'm sorry that you won't be able to join us.  We were looking forward to seeing you."

You're right, it is very rude to pull a "Well, we've made other plans that overlap yours-we don't know if we're coming, or we'll get there late" after accepting an invitation-even if the other plans involve church.

I'd also stop including J in your future invitations.

[freakyfemme]

I'd say the church was rude.  It's quite possible that the son was the only congregation member who *could* play the organ, and the pastor/Reverend/whatever was as disorganized as Flaky, the orchestra director at my school, and even if Son said that he couldn't play because of the previous dinner invitation, there was probably a lot of pressure from the church's end, saying that if he didn't play, he'd "RUUUUIIINNN CHRIIIIIIISSSSTMAAAAASSSSS!!!!!!" for all the nice people in the congregation, donthcaknow?  Trust me, as the sort of de facto "chief clarinetist" at Bishop's (I'm the only clarinet major, meaning there are other people who play, but not seriously), I get a lot of that....you know, shanghaiied at the last minute, can't really say no for fear of being viewed as a selfish brat, etc.  But, blowing off the previous invitation was rude.  "Come over sometime" isn't a firm invitation, but "Come over for dinner this Sunday" is.  "This Sunday" is a specific day, and "for dinner" is a rough time estimate.  You might have done better to say "Come over for dinner at six," for example, but if she accepted the offer as you made it, then what she did wasn't okay.  

[Tabris]

She sounds busy and scattered.

I guess before buying anything for a dinner, I would have been on the phone double-checking that the time was still okay and whether there were any menu concerns I need to know about (allergies, hatred of legumes, phobias, etc) and the first mixup would have been caught then.

She should have held fast to the first invitation and told the church no, but it sounds like she's trying ot make everyone happy and not succeeding.

BTW, if her son needs to be the organist for a 6pm service, he's not goingn to be walking in the door at 5:59 and taking a seat at the organ. Most likely he needs to be there by 5pm, so she won't be coming and leaving early.

[goblue2539]

It sounds like this is a good time for the "I feel" statements.  Depending on the church, it could be quite an honor to be asked to play for Christmas Eve, and one that he fears may not come again.  Or at least not soon.  Also, it's hard to say without knowing your family, but if it's a big gathering it's possible she didn't think they'd be missed as much as you will.  

So, instead of saying I am hurt that she's treating our hospitality in such a cavalier way , maybe try asking why playing at church is most important.  Depending on how close you are to J, you could probably even explain that your feelings are a little hurt that they'll have to leave, but it might help if you could understand why they felt the need to go.  

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I have a very divided family.  Christmas was spent running all over creation trying to keep everyone happy and make sure no one was left out.  So, I do have sympathy for people who are trying to do everything instead of choosing, but I know that doesn't make it right either.  

[sweedetobee]

Honestly, I'd just prepare dinner at your regular time, make enough for everyone, have seats/settings availbale if they show and tell J that "Dinner will be from X to Y time.  Any time you can stop by and spend with us will be appreciated and there will be plates for you, but please understand that I cannot change  our dinner plans. I hope you understand and we look forward to seeing you either before, during or after dinner.  Please call when you are on your way"

I'd save yourself the stress and just stick with your original plans. Don't inconvenience yourself on her account, but be polite and let her know she is welcome.

Who knows, it might be an honor for her son to be the organist? The holiday season brings out all sorts of stress for people and not everyone handles making plans in the best manner.

It is a bit rude, IMHO, but at this point I'd go ahead with your regular plans just to make it easier on YOU. You don't need the stress

Edited to Add: You know what - I reread it and changed my mind. Tell her that you look foward to her stopping by after the church services are over and that it will be nice to have dessert with her and her family. Don't even let her interrupt your dinner.

[Clara Bow]

Just serve dinner at the usual time and then leave some food out for them if they decide to come. It may not be the world's greatest set-up, but that's often how we've handled similar situtations in my family.
It's rude to cancel out on someone to accept a second invitation regardless of who that invitation came from, unless perhaps it came directly from God Himself. And I doubt that He would commit such a faux pas.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I agree she was rude, and especially if the son can drive himself, he should so she can fulfill her obligation. That being said, it sounds like you guys are close enough that she believes that this wouldnt offend you.  If it does, I am all about honesty, but with lot's of tact.  I wouldnt reneg on any offer you made, but something along the lines of "I am really disappointed that you wont be able to make the full dinner, I think it might be best if you came by later for dessert.  Next time, please let me know if you have other arrangements, as I really was looking forward to spending some time with you this holiday season. 

Dont change your dinner plans for her. 

I hope it works out

[freakyfemme]

Just serve dinner at the usual time and then leave some food out for them if they decide to come. It may not be the world's greatest set-up, but that's often how we've handled similar situtations in my family.
It's rude to cancel out on someone to accept a second invitation regardless of who that invitation came from, unless perhaps it came directly from God Himself. And I doubt that He would commit such a faux pas.

LOL!!!  That line made me imagine God sitting up on His (or Her) cloud pedestal, thinking "Okay, December......December.....gotta remember to schedule that huge snowstorm for AFTER Freakyfemme's end-of-semester trip home from school......umm....instill some general peace and goodwill in all mankind......racquetball with Ralph next Tuesday, I don't know why he insists on playing me, since I'm omnipotent, but since I'm also wholly benevolent, I think I'll give him a 20-point or so head start.  Now, what did I forget?  Oh, crap, it's already the 20th of December, and I forgot to schedule an organist for the Podunkville Pentacostal Church Christmas Pageant.  What WAS I thinking?!?!?"

[gjcva1]

I traditionally host our families' Christmas Eve celebration.  We go all-out for a lavish meal and love to have everyone (about 20 of us) together.  Some years J and her family attend, and some years they travel to spend the holidays with one of her two sisters.  This year they'll be home for the holidays, and they planned to join us for Christmas Eve.  Last night she informed me that her son had been asked to play the organ for Christmas Eve services, which would be from 6:00-7:00 p.m.  Our festivities begin at 5:00 p.m.; it's a 30-minute drive to her town.  She isn't sure whether they'll come first and then leave and return or whether her son will drive himself and they'll stay at our house.  Either way, our dinner plans will be complicated.[/b]

no, HER dinner plans will be complicated.  yours will be extremely simple: serve your dinner at the appointed time.  if they can join you for dessert, fine. 

I'm tired and stressed with holiday preparations and some other good but time-consuming things that are going on in my life.  I don't trust my reaction that they're treating my house like an all-night diner--we'll come for appetizers at 5:00, leave at 5:30, return at 7:30 for the dinner and dessert course--to be fair.  We do have a good relationship, which I would not like to damage.  Would a mild e-mail saying that I am hurt that she's treating our hospitality in such a cavalier way be out of line?[/b] 

i don't think i'd send the e-mail personally, but i certainly understand your feelings on this.  if she objects to your invitation for dessert only, i would simply say that you knew that she would not want you to inconvience the other 20 guests while her son fulfilled his church obligation (surely she doesn't expect the rest of you have appetizers at 5:00, then sit and twiddle your thumbs looking at each other until 7:30?), and that hopefully you could get together at a time that was less stressful for all concerned.  things are stressful enough during the holiday season.  let this one go if you can.

[Chirple]

I don't know how formal your dinner plans are, but I say just go ahead with your plans.  If it is formal, set a place for J and her guests.  If they show, great, if they don't, her loss.

When we will all learn that we cannot control the plans of others.  Make your plans, follow through.  If others join you, as planned, great.  If not, their loss.  You are having approx. 20 people, right?

It sounds to me as though J really wants to be there but is unsure of the logistics herself.  At least she called a week ahead of time and didn't just show up and say "gee, I have to leave and take son to church".

Holiday stress gets to us all.

Relax.....

[audrey1962]

Is your friend unaware that you are preparing a sit-down dinner? Many families have open houses, so perhaps she thinks it's okay to stop by "whenever"?

Regardless, I agree with the other posters that you should continue with your plans and not rearrange them for her.

[MsEva]

This doesn't hold true all of the time, but...some of the flakiest and scattered people I have met have been in charge of church stuff. I would forgive the son for wanting to contribute to his church's Christmas services. I would not be too thrilled with his parents for not giving me a firm answer on their plans. We, too, hold a big dinner and have some of the same issues as far as family members just not getting that they are being inconsiderate when they don't give a firm answer. I have adopted the attitide that we will keep to schedule and anyone not there will just have to fend for themselves unless there was an emergency. Stick to your schedule and if they miss dinner and show up for dessert, well pie can be a dinner too! Good luck.

[Mammavan]

Thank you all for your replies.  Your level-headed responses brought me back to rationality.  I will write a blistering e-mail or note pointing out the rudeness and then, having vented my spleen, delete it.

Just to clarify a couple of points:  they've shared our holiday celebrations for years and are well aware that it is not an open house.  We have about an hour of hors d'oeuvres:  shrimp with cocktail sauce, stuffed mushrooms, sushi, cheeses, etc.; dinner is filet, scallops, turducken, chicken, pasta, eggplant, and whatever else I can think of.  

Their son is away at college and is not the normal church organist; they asked him to play for Christmas Eve while he is on semester break, and he is fully capable of driving himself there and back.

I suppose for me the worst part was the idea of spending a day and a half cooking, baking and serving and cleaning up only to have them pop in and have to drag the food back out and clean up again when all I want to do is sit down and enjoy my guests.  If I didn't offer, they are fully capable of forraging for a meal themselves under the pretext of "Please don't trouble yourself; we'll just fix ourselves a plate," which, of course, is even more trouble.  A gracious invitation to spare themselves the stress of rushing back and forth and just join us for dessert should avoid that situation.  If pie can be dinner, so can cheesecake!

Thank you for responding.

[audrey1962]

Wow! Your menu sounds AMAZING!!!!!!