Is +guest always rude?

[kitty24816]

Also, I disagree that single long-distance traveling guests need the option to "bring someone" with them.

I don't think they need the option, but I'd like to give it to them. (Basically saying the same thing as sparksals before me).

[Kaylee]

Once again, this subject brings up a bunch of responses debating points that were never made in the first place.

Once again:  is it "rude"?  Not really, unless you really do know who the person is going to bring and decide to invite someone '+ guest' when you know perfectly well that Anne has been d@ting Henry for six years and is not likely to show up with Thomas.  It may not have insulted a PP, but it does indeed insult people.

Is it impersonal?  Yes.  It is much more gracious to inquire who a potential guest would like to bring, and then invite them by name, than it is just to invite someone '+ guest'.  It's impersonal, by definition, because you have no idea who will be coming.  It doesn't really matter what the logistical reason is for allowing people to bring an unknown extra person.  Inviting people you don't know to your event is impersonal.  I agree with KR that it makes it seem as though wedding invitations are theatre tickets, transferable to whoever happens to hold one. 

I would always try to inquire of single guests, if I had the room and the willingness to invite extras, whom they would like to attend with, and then invite them by name.  (In fact, this is what I did do when I got married.)  As another PP said, this is flattering to the potential guest in a way that '+ guest' never will be, and therefore I think it's more polite.  But the point is, it's wrong for guests to expect this, and that's one of the main reasons I dislike 'and guest'--the more this gets entrenched, the more people will think it's required.  It also does bother me that people apparently no longer feel that an occasion is worthwhile if they don't get to bring someone they choose.  You never know who you may meet.

I agree completely with rashea that if you do go with the '+guest', you give up any discretion as to whom that guest chooses to bring.  It could be their sister, it could be their mailman, it could be your ex.

That said, if you really don't care who they bring, and you know they're not seeing anyone regularly, I can't say it's rude.  Just impersonal.

[blarg314]

Offering "and guest" is fine. It is not mandatory, and  demanding it is not polite - the latter two are the debates that usually come up.

In some cases it can be safer for d@ting couples and invitations sent out a long time in advance - if invitations are sent out six months in advance, and someone is d@ting someone regularly at the time, there's no guarantee that the will be d@ting the same person at the time of the wedding.
 

[Vilandra]

I invited a handful of single friends to my wedding.  Our plan was to give all the option to bring a guest.  As I was getting invites ready (about two and a half months before the wedding, IIRC) I called one of our single friends and asked him if he had someone he'd like to invite, as we would include her name.  He got pretty embarrassed and said, this far out, he had no idea who he'd bring. 

From that, we decided to invite our single friends with 'and guest.'  (This doesn't include those that were in a d@ting rel@tionship, boy/girlfriends were invited by name).  And as it so happened, I don't think any of them brought a guest--they all came alone and had a great time with each other.

[Surianne]

I invited a handful of single friends to my wedding.  Our plan was to give all the option to bring a guest.  As I was getting invites ready (about two and a half months before the wedding, IIRC) I called one of our single friends and asked him if he had someone he'd like to invite, as we would include her name.  He got pretty embarrassed and said, this far out, he had no idea who he'd bring. 

Yes, as a single person I would find this really awkward, too.  I don't see anything wrong with "and guest".

[Twik]

I invited a handful of single friends to my wedding.  Our plan was to give all the option to bring a guest.  As I was getting invites ready (about two and a half months before the wedding, IIRC) I called one of our single friends and asked him if he had someone he'd like to invite, as we would include her name.  He got pretty embarrassed and said, this far out, he had no idea who he'd bring. 

Yes, as a single person I would find this really awkward, too.  I don't see anything wrong with "and guest".

The wrong part comes from people making it clear that, out of a couple they know, one is the friend, and the other is the "and guest".

"And guest" is an acceptable way of saying "and bring a friend or escort if you desire". However, if you want a specific couple, you invite them both by name. And if you use "and guest", you can't complain afterwards about who that guest is, even if it's Creepy Cousin George who you specifically didn't invite, or a complete stranger who your invited friend just met last night.

[Surianne]

I invited a handful of single friends to my wedding.  Our plan was to give all the option to bring a guest.  As I was getting invites ready (about two and a half months before the wedding, IIRC) I called one of our single friends and asked him if he had someone he'd like to invite, as we would include her name.  He got pretty embarrassed and said, this far out, he had no idea who he'd bring. 

Yes, as a single person I would find this really awkward, too.  I don't see anything wrong with "and guest".

The wrong part comes from people making it clear that, out of a couple they know, one is the friend, and the other is the "and guest".

"And guest" is an acceptable way of saying "and bring a friend or escort if you desire". However, if you want a specific couple, you invite them both by name. And if you use "and guest", you can't complain afterwards about who that guest is, even if it's Creepy Cousin George who you specifically didn't invite, or a complete stranger who your invited friend just met last night.

I agree with both of your points. 

The only exception, I think, would be if the person with the "and guest" invite knew the bride/groom didn't want someone specific there--I think that even though you're technically okay to invite whoever you want with "and guest", if you know it will make the couple uneasy, it would be better to clear it ahead of time, or not invite that person as your "and guest".  That would be a rare situation, though.

[Twik]

I definitely agree that "and guest" should not be abused by inviting someone who you know or suspect the hosts didn't want in the first place. It is an act of generosity towards the single invitee, and should be responded to with equal generosity.

[Sharnita]

I invited a handful of single friends to my wedding.  Our plan was to give all the option to bring a guest.  As I was getting invites ready (about two and a half months before the wedding, IIRC) I called one of our single friends and asked him if he had someone he'd like to invite, as we would include her name.  He got pretty embarrassed and said, this far out, he had no idea who he'd bring. 

Yes, as a single person I would find this really awkward, too.  I don't see anything wrong with "and guest".

The wrong part comes from people making it clear that, out of a couple they know, one is the friend, and the other is the "and guest".

"And guest" is an acceptable way of saying "and bring a friend or escort if you desire". However, if you want a specific couple, you invite them both by name. And if you use "and guest", you can't complain afterwards about who that guest is, even if it's Creepy Cousin George who you specifically didn't invite, or a complete stranger who your invited friend just met last night.

I agree with both of your points. 

The only exception, I think, would be if the person with the "and guest" invite knew the bride/groom didn't want someone specific there--I think that even though you're technically okay to invite whoever you want with "and guest", if you know it will make the couple uneasy, it would be better to clear it ahead of time, or not invite that person as your "and guest".  That would be a rare situation, though.

I agree with all of this.  I've mentioned before that for my sis's wedding they invited a family member with "and guest" because her husband had recently died.  We wanted her to come but knew coming alone might be too hard.  We figured her "and guest" might be one of her kids or a friend from church. It was her daughter and we were happy to have her.  OTOH, sis did "and huest" for a friend who was casually d@ting a couple of different guys.  DS had met these guys, liked them both, was happy to have either, know her friend was not commited to either.  Friend didn't bring either guy but instead brought another girl who had been a friend of DS but who had treated her kind of badly over the years.  the "and guest" wore a white, strapless dress and criticized the food choices.

[Dindrane]

In some cases it can be safer for d@ting couples and invitations sent out a long time in advance - if invitations are sent out six months in advance, and someone is d@ting someone regularly at the time, there's no guarantee that the will be d@ting the same person at the time of the wedding.

The furthest in advance that you should send invitations is usually 2 months.  I could see pushing it to 3 months if it was a holiday or travel was difficult or something.  Sending out invitations 6 months in advance is both unnecessary and a bad idea.

As for the "and guest" question in general, I don't like it for many of the same reasons others have already mentioned.  But I can also understand that you may not want to ask after who someone would like to bring for a variety of reasons.

But I personally think that it would be much nicer to invite someone alone, but include a note inviting them to bring a guest or escort of their choice.  It's much more personal than writing "So-and-so and Guest."  It also gives you a chance to limit which guests/escorts are acceptable (for instance, with the person who was casually d@ting two guys, you could invite her to bring either Tom or Harry if she wanted to - and then she wouldn't think it was okay to bring anyone else).

[gollymolly2]

To agree with some PPs - I only have a problem with "and guest" when I'm in a long term rel@tionship and the bride/groom clearly know my boyfriend. In that very limited situation, it strikes me as impersonal or even passive aggressive depending on the circumstances.

Otherwise I really appreciate it when I'm invited with a guest, so I definitely don't think it's rude.

[KeenReader]

Also, I disagree that single long-distance traveling guests need the option to "bring someone" with them.

I don't think they need the option, but I'd like to give it to them. (Basically saying the same thing as sparksals before me).

Nothing whatsoever wrong with wanting to offer guests the option.

I just think that unfortunately, it raises the bar as to what guests expect in the way of hospitality.  We're up to goodie bags, day-after parties, gift-openings....I keep wondering where it will stop, especially on limited budgets during bad economic times. 

If we continually offer single wedding guests the option to bring "and guests," not only do we have to adjust our budgets to include those other guests, who are separate human beings and need all the consideration that our invited-by-name guests need, we also begin to confirm in everyone's minds that bringing an "and guest" if one is single is something they have the right to expect, and that's the slippery slope to it not being an "option" anymore but "mandatory."

[Squeaks]

another thing to consider.


If you make an honest mistake and put "and guest" on an invite where really it should have had a name, you run the risk of offending the "and guest"

so proceed carefully.

[PaddedPaws]

I don't think "+ guest" is rude, but I would much prefer to not get such an invitation. As others have mentioned, the more it's done the more some people will come to just expect it.

The other reason - and I realize I may be being oversensitive - but I would feel some pressure to have a date to invite. And I know people sometimes bring close friends or family, but I think there's an idea among some people that weddings are events that require a "date". And while polite people would never judge you by your romantic status... there are lots of non-polite people in the world.

[mechtilde]

It is a tricky one. About half the people we sent "& Guest invitations" to were elderly widowed ladies, and we wanted them to be able to bring a companion (of any description) if they wanted to. I wouldn't have felt comfortable contacting them in advance asking them who they wanted to bring, and felt it better to leave the ball in their court.