Bridal Shower....who pays?

[gap183]

I am a bridesmaid for one of my best friends...the MOH who is also one of my best friends just sent out an email to the bridal party to start putting ideas and whatnot in motion for the bridal shower and bachelorette parties.  She was asking how comfortable everyone is paying for the bridal shower with a little help from the brides mom.  Apparantly the mother of the bride is under the impression the bridal party pays for the shower yet she gets primary opinion on all the planning.  Having never been in a bridal party before I have no idea what the etiquette or trends are for this sort of thing.  So I'm just curious if its typical for the bridal party to be the ones to pay for the shower.  I have heard from other people that bridesmaids pay for favors and decorations and such but not the whole event.  Anyone with any advice would be appreciated!!

[Namari]

My experience has been that as a bridesmaid, I pay for (a portion of) the bachelorette party, my dress, and my shoes.

It is definitely weird that the MOB thinks she gets to plan everything but not pay.

[Bibliophile]

The host(s) pay & make the decisions.  If MOB is helping with the cost, she gets a vote.  If not, she gets an opinion and suggestion, but no vote.

[TootsNYC]

The people who want to host are the ones who pay. Often that is the bridesmaids, and they should offer the amount of money they are willing to spend up front.

The MOB can't host officially. She can offer assistance, including financial, behind the scenes.

She should be consulted, and her opinion should be given great weight, about the family's politics, dynamics, etc. So she should be the one who says, "You *have* to invite Great Aunt Florence, or she'll be mad," and if she says this, she should be paid attention to.

She should be providing info like "all the ladies in my family will be expecting a big restaurant meal; they'll get upset if they're just fed cake & punch, bcs they give expensive presents and expect sort of fancy hosting 'in return.' "

Then the hostess has to decide what to do w/ that info, and how far they can go to accommodate.

When you are the shower hostess, you have to remember that it is the BRIDE (and maybe the bride's mom) who will bear the long-term brunt of any negative vibes or perceived rudeness. Their reputation is in your hands. That doesn't mean you cave to unreasonable demands, but you have to take that into consideration.

[TylerBelle]

I think those who help plan and make the decisions are responsible for the cost. If say a bridesmaid can't help, like they live quite a distance away, or for some reason is left out of the planning, she shouldn't be required to contribute financially. She can if so wishes, but it shouldn't be a demand. As there's many a story on the site about unsuspecting BMs getting slapped with how they owe X amount to the shower hosts when they had no part in the preparations or weren't even able to attend the party. That's not right.

It's nice to take into consideration others' opinions, like the MOB's, and try to accommodate them within reason. Though if she insists on champagne and caviar on the beer and pizza budget of the BMs, then she should subsidize the cost.

[vandalfan]

Yeah, what Tootsnyc said. Usually some or all the bridesmaids are the hosts, and bear the expenses. MOB should be consulted, especially if she is helping with expenses. She does NOT get to host, nor therefore, does she get to plan it in entirety.

[MannerMOG]

The MOB in the OP is suffering from delusions of grandeur.  She may have big ideas for her dd's shower, but the bridal party may not be able to live up to those expectations, so there needs to be some good communication right up front.  It is generally traditional for the bridal attendants to give a shower, but it is not required, and should be within their means.

[TootsNYC]

It may be that the way it has worked out (which is not the same as "how it is always done" or "how things are properly done") in some people's circles is that the MOB foots the bulk of the bill, because her family has developed a tradition in which the bridal shower is a honking big expense, w/ a restaurant meal for 75 people.

That's what showers in my ILs' family are like. That's a LOT of money for bridesmaids to come up with. So what works out is, the MOB foots the bill, and makes the money decisions (since it's her money, and it would be rude for her to pressure the bridesmaids to provide three entree choices, or to choose a fancier restaurant).

And then, to allow the bridesmaids to have some creative input, things like favors, decorations, etc.--the things people are most likely to get emotionally or intellectually invested in--are the bridesmaids purview.

That doesn't that's "how it is done"; it just is one way of accommodating the pressure on the MOB without completely abandoning the idea of "the bridesmaids hosting the party."

[blarg314]

I would say that in general the people who plan and host the party pay. So if the bridesmaids are hosting the party, they get to say what type of party and expense level is appropriate, and then pay for it.

If the MOB wanted to pitch in extra money, that would be okay, but if she wants to set the type of party, she would have to ask, not expect.

[Twik]

She who pays the piper calls the tune. And if MOB wants the Stones for a special engagement, but is unwilling to fork over the cash, her hard luck.

[KeenReader]

Well, the MOB can't be the host, even if she contributes to the cost.  I think it's fair to consult her about the guest list and about the possible menu and agenda, but she doesn't get final say.

If she wants final say, she needs to host a party of her own (not a shower).

[kudeebee]

Decide how much you are willing to contribute $wise and be sure to communicate that to the MOH right away.  "I would love to help and can contribute up to $50 for my share."  That way she knows what money you can give as well as what can be expected from the other bridesmaids.

If you don't give an amount, you could be stuck with a biiiggg bill, like some people posting here previously have had happen to them.  Don't let her talk you into more or say "you'll divide the costs later".  Be nice, but firm about what amount you can contribute and then give only that amount.

[Twik]

She should be providing info like "all the ladies in my family will be expecting a big restaurant meal; they'll get upset if they're just fed cake & punch, bcs they give expensive presents and expect sort of fancy hosting 'in return.' "

Then the hostess has to decide what to do w/ that info, and how far they can go to accommodate.

When you are the shower hostess, you have to remember that it is the BRIDE (and maybe the bride's mom) who will bear the long-term brunt of any negative vibes or perceived rudeness. Their reputation is in your hands. That doesn't mean you cave to unreasonable demands, but you have to take that into consideration.

If she's worried that her family will be upset if they don't get a "big restaurant meal," the problem is with HER family, so she's the one who has to solve that problem. Dumping it onto a handful of young women with few financial resources will not work.

Personally, I'd be telling my family to put on their big-girl minks and pearls, and drink the darn punch already.

[KeenReader]

She should be providing info like "all the ladies in my family will be expecting a big restaurant meal; they'll get upset if they're just fed cake & punch, bcs they give expensive presents and expect sort of fancy hosting 'in return.' "

Then the hostess has to decide what to do w/ that info, and how far they can go to accommodate.

When you are the shower hostess, you have to remember that it is the BRIDE (and maybe the bride's mom) who will bear the long-term brunt of any negative vibes or perceived rudeness. Their reputation is in your hands. That doesn't mean you cave to unreasonable demands, but you have to take that into consideration.

If she's worried that her family will be upset if they don't get a "big restaurant meal," the problem is with HER family, so she's the one who has to solve that problem. Dumping it onto a handful of young women with few financial resources will not work.

Personally, I'd be telling my family to put on their big-girl minks and pearls, and drink the darn punch already.

Pod.  For the MOB or MOG to expect bridesmaids to throw a family reunion and/or entertain their friends with big expectations who will "get upset" if they are not fulfilled, but not contribute significantly to the cost, comes off as entitled and manipulative.

[TootsNYC]

She should be providing info like "all the ladies in my family will be expecting a big restaurant meal; they'll get upset if they're just fed cake & punch, bcs they give expensive presents and expect sort of fancy hosting 'in return.' "

Then the hostess has to decide what to do w/ that info, and how far they can go to accommodate.

When you are the shower hostess, you have to remember that it is the BRIDE (and maybe the bride's mom) who will bear the long-term brunt of any negative vibes or perceived rudeness. Their reputation is in your hands. That doesn't mean you cave to unreasonable demands, but you have to take that into consideration.

If she's worried that her family will be upset if they don't get a "big restaurant meal," the problem is with HER family, so she's the one who has to solve that problem. Dumping it onto a handful of young women with few financial resources will not work.

Personally, I'd be telling my family to put on their big-girl minks and pearls, and drink the darn punch already.

Pod.  For the MOB or MOG to expect bridesmaids to throw a family reunion and/or entertain their friends with big expectations who will "get upset" if they are not fulfilled, but not contribute significantly to the cost, comes off as entitled and manipulative.

Did you guys  miss that part?   

In the families that I know of, generally that specific info is *also* accompanied by a massive offer of help (usually financial).