Correcting grammar at the dinner table

[sweedetobee]

Hi,
This is not a big deal in the scheme of things - but I'd like a polite response to use.

My BIL is an English teacher and he is very smart. However, he has developed an annoying habit of correcting everyone's grammar. This usually ocurrs at the dinner table.

Now I'm all for learning - I want to be corrected when I am wrong about a fact or something else - as long as I'm not in an argument with DH   But I don't like having my grammar corrected in front of everyone at the dinner table. I just think it is rude, even though BIL and I get along quite well. 

Anyway, I don't speak cr@ppy English. If I make a mistake in grammar or use the wrong word it is generally so small an infraction that no one else even notices - except BIL. And if he is not correcting me he is correcting someone else - most of the people in the family have average to above average grammar/verbal skills. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be out with any of them in public   So really our mistakes are not that bad.

The "corrections" will happen at Christmas - trust me.

So - what I want to respond with is: "Although I appreciate your efforts to correct my grammar, it is actually rude to point out these mistakes in front of everyone.  If you feel that strongly that you need to correct any of us, please do it in private and not at the dinner table.  We're your family not your students"  However, come to think of it, unless I really sound like a moron, I don't want him correcting me at all! But i could live with it in private.

So if he is rude for correcting everyone in public, am I then rude for telling him not to do it (telling him in public)? I have a great relationship with him and I'd to keep it, but this habit is borderline obnoxious. I think he is aware of doing it too - he is very proud of himself (and rightfully so) for being a good teacher.

[Clara Bow]

Just give him an acidic look and say "Thank so much, it's nice to have someone who knows everything in the family." Said in a joking tone, of course. Then throw your knife at him.
I hate people like that, there's nothing wrong with correcting a gross misuse in private, but it is very rude to embarrass people in public.
I think that when he corrected me I would say "You know, it's rude to call a person's mistakes to attention in public. I'd appreciate it if you'd refrain in the future."
Do be prepared for a self-righteous sermon about how he's only trying to heeeeelllllllpppppp...some people cannot live without grating.
Good luck!

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think your response is very etiquettely appropriate.  Two suggestions:

1. Do it in private (afford him the same courtesy you are asking of him)
2. Only speak for you.  Dont speak for others ("any of us" change to "me") He should get the hint that what goes for you goes for them too. 

let us know how he responds.

[DottyG]

I think your response is very etiquettely appropriate.  Two suggestions:

1. Do it in private (afford him the same courtesy you are asking of him)
2. Only speak for you.  Dont speak for others ("any of us" change to "me") He should get the hint that what goes for you goes for them too. 

let us know how he responds.

PO....[ummm] I agree completely!

[fklwmn]

I;d ote for an abbreviated version of your response... "Thanks, but we're your family, not your students." Or... "It's Christmas, you're off work!" or something along those lines.

[freakyfemme]

I hate people like that, there's nothing wrong with correcting a gross misuse in private, but it is very rude to embarrass people in public.

Yeah, like when my maternal grandparents were visiting with some uneducated friends of theirs, who'd heard the word "feces" somewhere, and mistook the meaning for "thesis," and then proceeded to tell my grandparents ALL about how proud they were of their wonderful son, who was writing his "graduate feces" off at university.  Of course, my grandparents kept a straight face the whole time, but I still think that that story is pretty funny, lol.  I think the correct thing to do would have been to quietly explain the difference between the two words, but I think they probably held off either because they didn't want to make their friends uncomfortable, or diminish the "proud-of-son" moment in any way.  I hope they found out sooner or later, though, before they brought it up someplace else.....like having dinner with the Queen or something, lol.  But then, I bet the Queen would have done the same thing my grandparents did, lol.

[platys]

Can you ask your sister to talk to your BIL?   Say like "Hey, sis.  I know BIL means well, but it annoys folks when he corrects everyone's grammar."

But, he probably knows, and he's just a know it all, so I'd just roll my eyes and ignore him.

[Chocolate Cake]

Yes, it would be rude for you to tell him that he is being rude.   You CAN, however, say something like:

"While I admire your knowledge of proper grammar, would you please refrain from correcting mine?"

OR

"I know that proper grammar is important to you, but I'd prefer not to be corrected."

OR (simply)

"Please don't correct my grammar."

And/OR

A stony look followed by complete silence each.and.every.time.he.does.it.

Repeat as necessary.  You might find that others at the table end up following your lead.  Wouldn't it be great if he was "shut down" by everyone every time he pulled this stunt?

[DottyG]

Yes, it would be rude for you to tell him that he is being rude.

Yes and no.  The OP is allowed to set her boundaries and say, "This is something that you cannot violate.  You're overstepping your boundary here, and it needs to stop" (not those words, but that idea).

However, this needs to be done (as was previously stated) in privacy as well.  She needs to afford him the same courtesy that she's asking of him.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Yes, it would be rude for you to tell him that he is being rude.   You CAN, however, say something like:

"While I admire your knowledge of proper grammar, would you please refrain from correcting mine?"

OR

"I know that proper grammar is important to you, but I'd prefer not to be corrected."

OR (simply)

"Please don't correct my grammar."

that's true that it's rude to point out he's being rude, so definitely say something about how it makes you feel " I appreciate....but it makes me uncomfortable.  If you feel..." or use one of the lines above!

[sweedetobee]

Thank you everyone  

BIL is my husband's brother and I have a better relationship with BIL than DH does... so whatever will be said - in private (thank you again!) - will have to be said by me. I could actually talk to my MIL about it.... She woudl take him aside and tell  him privately that it bothers people... But maybe I'll wait to see if he does it again this year.

One time I did just look at him and say nothing, and then continued speaking but with "gunnas", "ain'ts" and a whole lot of double negatives. Everyone laughed but I did not get my passive aggressive point across apparently

[sweedetobee]

I;d ote for an abbreviated version of your response... "Thanks, but we're your family, not your students." Or... "It's Christmas, you're off work!" or something along those lines.

I really like the "It's Christmas, you're not at work" comment. I can see Christmas wine being spit all over the table if I came out with that one..........

[ShadesOfGrey]

I have to be honest here and say I am against going to a 3rd party to get the message to him.  I would think this increases the chances that he would get defensive, perhaps even make a public comment about it, and I would personally rather be approached by someone I offended than by a 3rd party (who had obviously taken a consensus behind my back and is planning a coup against me [end sarcasm]) 

but of course, you know your family dynamics the best. 

[goblue2539]

After you do talk to him seriously, keep those one liners handy.  I have a horrible habit of correcting my family's words.  Pronunciation, I mean.  Don't know why, don't know when or how it started.  But, I do know that if any of them actually asked me to stop, it would take a while for me to break the habit.  The one liners (especially the Christmas one) can be used to remind him without berating him or beating the dead horse.  I don't know if it would work, but I had to chime in as a compulsive corrector. 

FWIW, my gran now calls Richie Sambora "Zambini" on purpose, because we got to giggling over how she'd mangled his name when we were talking about my issue of People. 

[ehellion]

<<Yeah, like when my maternal grandparents were visiting with some uneducated friends of theirs, who'd heard the word "feces" somewhere, and mistook the meaning for "thesis," and then proceeded to tell my grandparents ALL about how proud they were of their wonderful son, who was writing his "graduate feces" off at university.  Of course, my grandparents kept a straight face the whole time, but I still think that that story is pretty funny, lol.>>


Kudos to your Granparents for keeping a straight face. As soon as I read your post I almost spit pumpkin bread all over my computer screen from laughing so hard. Truth be told, I'm still snickering. I would NEVER have been able to pull that off, lol.