Ask Amy Nov. 3

[purplemuse]

Last letter:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/26/AR2009102601211.html

I guess I just find the whole attitude of "we're family, we deserve an invitation" annoying.  I was able to invite one friend to my wedding; just one, because after I had included parents, sister, grandparents, aunts and uncles, I had almost filled up the number of invites I had for my "side" (largish families, smallish wedding).  And I wouldn't have had it any other way-- I was glad to have my family around me on that day.

But if I had heard people griping that my cousins, teenage or otherwise, weren't invited, I would have been sorely tempted to elope.

[Veronica]

Really?  Over 60 years later it still bugs her she wasn't invited to an older cousin's wedding?   

[Bibliophile]

It's family.  You don't choose them.  You choose your friends.  I'd invite good friends over distant relations.  I have a rather different view of family than most though - they're just a bunch of people you share some relation with, but that doesn't necessarily make them "special".  I'd choose a friend I could depend on over a relative I've only talked with a couple times any day.

[KitFox]

Family is NOT forever. The idea that you "have" to do things because So-And-So is faaaaaaaaaaamily grates on me more and more with every passing day.
If you get on with your family and you have great camaraderie, that's WONDERFUL and good for you! But don't assume that we all do, or even suggest that it's somehow bad manners to not include rude or unpleasant people in your life because they share some of your DNA.

[Starchasm]

Really?  Over 60 years later it still bugs her she wasn't invited to an older cousin's wedding?   

That's what I was thinking!  She held onto that for over sixty years?  What are the odds that cousin is even alive anymore?

If I had a relative that held grudges like that I think I'd make sure not to invite them.

[Changing1]

Really?  Over 60 years later it still bugs her she wasn't invited to an older cousin's wedding?   

Is the cousin who 'slighted' her even still alive? 

[GirlyJock]

I feel like there's a huge chunk of missing information. I feel like the LW may have idolized the cousin, and possibly built up a nonexistant rel@tionship in her head, or the cousin and LW's immediate families were in a fight, and LW's parents hammered it home to the LW that the cousin hadn't invited her, saying that the cousin didn't care about the LW.

Otherwise, I have no idea why someone would hold that against any marrying couple.

[spookycatlady]

That lady doesn't so much hold a grudge, but nurture it.  I know the type: my Mom is still angry at a particular aunt and uncle who had a child-free wedding in 1979 because it meant my brother and I weren't invited.  Myself?  I remember being very happy to have a babysitter that night (JUNK FOOD! STAYING UP LATE!).

Oh... and my aunt and uncle didn't have their own daughter at their wedding, either.  Funny thing, that when that cousin got married, the only thing I remember of the service was her 3 year old son running around the church waving a maxi-pad. 

I'm having a child-free wedding and the only person who's raised a fuss has been... Mom. 

[Miss Vertigo]

That lady doesn't so much hold a grudge, but nurture it. 

I think that's a bit of a leap. It doesn't say anywhere that she's still holding a grudge, only that she remembers it, and I think there's a difference.

There have been times in my life that I've been slighted by someone, and I may remember it, but I'm not still angry about it.

[Bibliophile]

That lady doesn't so much hold a grudge, but nurture it. 

I think that's a bit of a leap. It doesn't say anywhere that she's still holding a grudge, only that she remembers it, and I think there's a difference.

There have been times in my life that I've been slighted by someone, and I may remember it, but I'm not still angry about it.

I don't think it's that much of a leap.  She felt strongly enough about the slight that she wrote in.  That in itself says a lot about her feelings on the matter - seems to me that it's definately sticking in her craw. 

[Dindrane]

I'll be honest - two of my older cousins had weddings I could have attended if I were invited, and I still remember it.  With one of them, I don't honestly care, because I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him on the street.  I will definitely not be inviting him to my wedding.  I don't even remember his wife's name.

With the other, I was a little hurt by it, for about a week.  I definitely still remember it, but I don't actually care.  This particular cousin was not one I was especially close to, and she's 12 or so years older than I am.  I think that's the difference between my attitude and the LW's - even if the LW isn't holding a grudge, he/she obviously still cares all these years later.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

    I didn't take this letter as gripping , it didn't imply anyone ever complained to the host or anyone else just that the letter writer was hurt.

   I think the letter writers ages is important it was more common to be married at 18 -20 or even 16 or 17 then. Sixty years ago a teenager or 14 to 17 was more likely to be a contemporary of a bride then, possible feeling very close to the bride,now when it's much more common for couple to marry in their late 20's early 30's a teenager would be of the next generation and a child in the mind of the couple.  If at 16 my 18 year old cousin I was friends with went from child to adult and thought of me/treated me as a child still I might be hurt 60 years later.

   I firmly agree that the hosts/HC should be able to invite or not invite whomever they wish. The reminder that the people who are not invite may be genuinely hurt  is not out of place either , there's nothing like not being invited to the wedding to let you know your not really close to the bride.   Some people are more reasonable in their hurts then others not including one of 4 of your siblings without cause would be hurtful not including a 3rd cousin you've never met not so much.

I think while age is  a reasonable cut of can lead to some awkward long term dynamics the 16 not invited to your wedding will be 18 in time for your younger brother's wedding so gets invited to that even though she was closer to you.


opps in my original post I mentally inserted a not "not much older"  from the letter writer.   Changed the entire tone 

[rashea]

I hate this. Why should I invite my second cousins and not my friends? But that is what my Dad will push for (he did with my sister's wedding). Yes, they are family, but I couldn't pick them out on the street.

And I wouldn't invite the younger generation, even if they are close to their teens. That's mostly because they are also terrors who never learned to control themselves (sadly, their father shares that trait), but it's also because I am not close to them.

[Southern Sugar]

I really dislike the tone of the letter, especially this part about the teenage cousins: "They will be a part of the family for the rest of their lives. They may even attend their funerals. I would bet that there are people on their guest list that they won't even know five years down the road. "  I strongly hope that if my good friends pass on before I do that I'll be there at their funerals and vice versa.  It's not just family that's there your entire life.  In fact, I have family on one side who I haven't seen for more than five years, and that's a good thing.

The LW says the cousin was "much older."  I have loads of cousins who fall into that category; I think the oldest is at least ten years older than I am.  I wasn't invited to one cousin's wedding because she knew I had no time off work to travel home for it; I wasn't invited to another's because he eloped.  I was invited to one cousin's wedding, and I invited them all to mine.  But I admit, I had to sit here and wrack my brains to remember.  To hold onto that for sixty years or more seems unhealthy to me.

[Tizzy]

*shrug* I don't think there's anything wrong with the letter all the LW is saying is that people need to think about the long term implications of their guest lists. Teenagers tend to take things very personally. My grandmother has a couple of funny stories about things that people did to/for her 60+ years ago.