One set of grandparents at a time please

[learningtofly]

BG: DH and I both work full-time.  We don't get a lot of time with babyflyer during the week and our weekends are special to us.  DH's parents had been visiting approximately every other weekend.  They live close by and for some reason can't plan ahead.  So thy make last minute but fairly regular visits.  They want to come every weekend, but we don't want to do that for the rest of our lives and have said no.  End BG

My parents are coming this weekend.  It's a very short visit to see our family.  My ILs saw babyflyer a lot last week and have scheduled time the weekend after my parents leave.  They thought they'd come to dinner when my parents are here.  My parents normally see them when they visit, but this is a very short visit and there's really only time for us.  My ILs actually invited themselves over.

Am I rude for not letting them over?  It's their off weekend and my parents don't see us very often as they live far away.  I just don't want to share and I feel like they're elbowing their way into time with my family.  They can see babyflyer any time.  My ILs do not share well and if they come over this will take time away from my parents who have come a long way.

[TootsNYC]

no, absolutely you aren't rude.

Just be firm, and act as though there is NOTHING wrong, and NOTHING to apologize for.

But of course you don't want to share your mother and father while they're here for this short trip. No reasonable person would think otherwise, right? So assume that this is what they think.

Dig your heels in, is my vote. I have wonderful ILs, mostly, and they love my parents. But my mom and I, on the last visit, had to say quite firmly, "No, we are not coming to your house for dinner; there just aren't that many days to their visit, and we want this time for just us."

Just call them up and say, "We're not going to invite you after all; it's just too short a visit, and I'm not willing to share my parents. And Babyflyer needs some time with just this set of grandparents. We'll see you later, of course, and I'm sure you'll be able to get together w/ my parents on another visit."

Breezy, matter-of-fact, etc.

[Nurvingiel]

Absolutely. You are not doing anything wrong, don't apologize for anything.

[DynoMite]

No no no no no you are not wrong to only want to see your parents on this short trip. I would totally go with Toots' suggestion, but I would have your DH do the calling. His parents, he gets to tell them no.

[bopper]

It is reasonable that your in-laws might like to see your parents too.  However, your dh could say to his parents:  "OP's parents are only going to be here a short time this visit so I don't think it would work out this time.  Next time if they are here longer we would love to have you over."

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

How old is Babyflyer ?

Are the inlaws just very exited to have a grandbaby ?

 do they want to be super involved  ?? so Grandbaby doesn't cry at them like babies do at strangers [anyone that is not in constant contact, no matter the rel@tionship]

are they a very 'Involved' type of family [always in everything] ?

are they controlling in a subtle way / or not so subtle way ??

Are they of the age when one parent stayed home to look after bubs, and they just don't understand what it is like to be a 2 carrer family with very precious time to be a nuclear family. Time just the 3 of you ?

no, absolutely you aren't rude.

Just be firm, and act as though there is NOTHING wrong, and NOTHING to apologize for.

But of course you don't want to share your mother and father while they're here for this short trip. No reasonable person would think otherwise, right? So assume that this is what they think.

Dig your heels in, is my vote. I have wonderful ILs, mostly, and they love my parents. But my mom and I, on the last visit, had to say quite firmly, "No, we are not coming to your house for dinner; there just aren't that many days to their visit, and we want this time for just us."

Just call them up and say, "We're not going to invite you after all; it's just too short a visit, and I'm not willing to share my parents. And Babyflyer needs some time with just this set of grandparents. We'll see you later, of course, and I'm sure you'll be able to get together w/ my parents on another visit."

Breezy, matter-of-fact, etc.

Pod to everything Toots said.

[learningtofly]

How old is Babyflyer ?
about a year

Are the inlaws just very exited to have a grandbaby ?
very, but only when it fits in their schedule

do they want to be super involved  ?? so Grandbaby doesn't cry at them like babies do at strangers [anyone that is not in constant contact, no matter the rel@tionship]
They don't want to be super involved.  In my opinion then they would plan to come over instead of calling us when it's convenient on the day of.

are they a very 'Involved' type of family [always in everything] ?
They are not an involved family.  We almost never saw them before babyflyer.

are they controlling in a subtle way / or not so subtle way ??
They're controlling in a subtle way.  E-h@ll has helped me with my backbone.  I don't let them have free reign anymore when they come over.  If I want my child back I take her.

Are they of the age when one parent stayed home to look after bubs, and they just don't understand what it is like to be a 2 carrer family with very precious time to be a nuclear family. Time just the 3 of you ?
Oh they both worked.  And they both expected me to stay home.  Not possible in this economy.  However, no one on DH's side (siblings included) has ever understood that we work long hours and weeknights are not good for us in general.  They've always had fixed hours and can't understand why we couldn't have them over for more than just pizza during the week.  We could, but I don't want to spend the entire evening cooking for someone while they play with my daughter.  I'd like to see her too.

no, absolutely you aren't rude.

Just be firm, and act as though there is NOTHING wrong, and NOTHING to apologize for.

But of course you don't want to share your mother and father while they're here for this short trip. No reasonable person would think otherwise, right? So assume that this is what they think.

Dig your heels in, is my vote. I have wonderful ILs, mostly, and they love my parents. But my mom and I, on the last visit, had to say quite firmly, "No, we are not coming to your house for dinner; there just aren't that many days to their visit, and we want this time for just us."

Just call them up and say, "We're not going to invite you after all; it's just too short a visit, and I'm not willing to share my parents. And Babyflyer needs some time with just this set of grandparents. We'll see you later, of course, and I'm sure you'll be able to get together w/ my parents on another visit."

Breezy, matter-of-fact, etc.

Pod to everything Toots said.

[Kaypeep]

It is reasonable that your in-laws might like to see your parents too.  However, your dh could say to his parents:  "OP's parents are only going to be here a short time this visit so I don't think it would work out this time.  Next time if they are here longer we would love to have you over."

I like this version very much.  It's inoffensive and polite. 

[hope]

It is reasonable that your in-laws might like to see your parents too.  However, your dh could say to his parents:  "OP's parents are only going to be here a short time this visit so I don't think it would work out this time.  Next time if they are here longer we would love to have you over."

POD.

[vandalfan]

"Not this time, Mother Flyer, this is time it's just my folks for some one-on-one. We'll get together again really soon, I'm sure." Practice in front of a mirror first. 

[KeenReader]

"I'm sorry, Flyers, but this time it isn't possible for us to get together."

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

How old is Babyflyer ?
about a year

Are the inlaws just very exited to have a grandbaby ?
very, but only when it fits in their schedule

do they want to be super involved  ?? so Grandbaby doesn't cry at them like babies do at strangers [anyone that is not in constant contact, no matter the rel@tionship]
They don't want to be super involved.  In my opinion then they would plan to come over instead of calling us when it's convenient on the day of.

are they a very 'Involved' type of family [always in everything] ?
They are not an involved family.  We almost never saw them before babyflyer.

are they controlling in a subtle way / or not so subtle way ??
They're controlling in a subtle way.  E-h@ll has helped me with my backbone.  I don't let them have free reign anymore when they come over.  If I want my child back I take her.

Are they of the age when one parent stayed home to look after bubs, and they just don't understand what it is like to be a 2 carrer family with very precious time to be a nuclear family. Time just the 3 of you ?
Oh they both worked.  And they both expected me to stay home.  Not possible in this economy.  However, no one on DH's side (siblings included) has ever understood that we work long hours and weeknights are not good for us in general.  They've always had fixed hours and can't understand why we couldn't have them over for more than just pizza during the week.  We could, but I don't want to spend the entire evening cooking for someone while they play with my daughter.  I'd like to see her too.

no, absolutely you aren't rude.

Just be firm, and act as though there is NOTHING wrong, and NOTHING to apologize for.

But of course you don't want to share your mother and father while they're here for this short trip. No reasonable person would think otherwise, right? So assume that this is what they think.

Dig your heels in, is my vote. I have wonderful ILs, mostly, and they love my parents. But my mom and I, on the last visit, had to say quite firmly, "No, we are not coming to your house for dinner; there just aren't that many days to their visit, and we want this time for just us."

Just call them up and say, "We're not going to invite you after all; it's just too short a visit, and I'm not willing to share my parents. And Babyflyer needs some time with just this set of grandparents. We'll see you later, of course, and I'm sure you'll be able to get together w/ my parents on another visit."

Breezy, matter-of-fact, etc.

Pod to everything Toots said.

OK, I've got nothin. I really don't see where they are comming from.

If they acutally know how little time you have to spend with babyflyer...... [Have you writen down times you are home and with BBflyer, so you can catagorically state how little time you have ?

Just a thought, they may not be deliberately PA.

Now that my kids are grown ups, It's hard for me to remember the chaos, tired, etc, that having young Un's bring.

Could your Pil's simply have forgotten and lost touch of their empathy ?

[CoffeeKat]

Especially because they see so much more of your child than the other GPs it sounds to me like they may be a little jealous of your parents spending this time with "their" grandchild.  Feeling possessive does not have to be malicious and perhaps they don't want to miss out?

This is how my ILs are as grandparents.  Not mean, but baby hogs none the less.

Could this be part of it?

[TootsNYC]

If they acutally know how little time you have to spend with babyflyer...... [Have you writen down times you are home and with BBflyer, so you can catagorically state how little time you have ?

Just a thought, they may not be deliberately PA.

Now that my kids are grown ups, It's hard for me to remember the chaos, tired, etc, that having young Un's bring.

Could your Pil's simply have forgotten and lost touch of their empathy ?

My very loving MIL for many years kept encouraging me to drop the kids off w/her for the weekend. "You deserve a break."

But I worked until 8pm during the week, and the weekends were my only time w/ my children!

She also said things like, "I remember that it's hard to have little ones."

She remembered it, and she had empathy. She just had a really hard time wrapping her head around the notion that the daily rhythms of *my* life were not like hers had been. She had worked outside the home--but in the evening, so she was home w/ her children, and the housework, during the day. I was only home in evening, and saw my kids briefly before bedtime.

It took a long time, and some pretty forceful explanations, to get her to stop pressuring me about giving up time with my kids.

I don't think it was even all that much about getting her *OWN* time with them; she had them 1 to 2 days every week. It really was about her believing that I was a harried mom who found a certain level of inescapable burden in having little kids, and she wanted to provide me an escape.

It was just hard for her to realize that *my* "inescapable burden" was my JOB, and that my children *were* my escape.