Inviting cousins, but not their toxic father

[susie_the_q]

BG:  So... I have an uncle, "Peter," who is no longer a member of the family.  He disassociated himself from his three now-adult kids and hasn't seen them (or, at least one of them I know for sure) in twenty years.  His son was injured in Iraq, recovering in a hospital in Germany, trying to get in touch with his dad... but Peter told my other uncle, who called him about his son, "Don't give him my number."  His daughter ran into him at the grocery store, and he didn't recognize her.  When she introduced herself to him, his nonchalant reaction was apparently so upsetting to her that she decided to not introduce him to his own granddaughter, who was standing right there.  He very much abused his rights as power of attorney of my grandmother's living will; she passed away last week, and now he's going to have a heck of a time, because he and my father are co-executors, despite the fact that they aren't currently speaking.  My dad and his other two brothers have been just heartbroken over his actions, as they were all reeeally close growing up, and it's hard for them to even believe that Peter is the same brother that they used to have. 

We all speculate that his absurd (one person has said "sociopathic") behavior is because of his snooty, gold-digging wife of 21 years (not the mother of his children, though he DID adopt her kid and included that kid in my grandmother's obit, even though he won't see his biological kids...sigh).  They got married and, less than ten years later, we were all suddenly trashy hillbillies.  She thought we were dirty and poor.  Criticized how we watched television after dinner.  When my grandmother was alive, Peter's wife wouldn't stay at her house; she didn't think it was clean enough, so they had to go to a hotel (and, btw, my grandmother was the ultimate homemaker -- her home and family were her life, and if her house wasn't clean, I'd hate to see Peter's wife's reaction to my apartment).  She would walk into my parents' house, sniff the air, and breezily say, "Ooh, smells in here." 

During the eulogy, one of my uncles stood at the podium and publicly asked Peter for a reconciliation.  Brought everyone to tears, since every person in the room knew what Peter had done as my grandmother's power of attorney (won't go into details, but when Grandma went into the nursing home, he crept into town, threw away or auctioned ALL her belongings, including baby photos, sold her house, didn't tell anyone he was there and didn't ask anyone if they would like some keepsakes, and now everything of hers is gone), and we all sat behind Peter and waited for a reaction.  Peter just sat there, emotionless, anchored by a very smug Lady Macbeth.  End BG.

So, it was pretty much a given that I wasn't going to invite him to my and DF's wedding, which takes place about a year from now.  This isn't anything new -- I made up my mind about that a long time ago.  I wasn't going to invite his kids, either, because I hadn't seen them since I was about two.  However, his kids and I have made connections on Facebook. 

At my grandmother's funeral yesterday, I was talking to my cousin, who is getting married in July.  She told me that she's having a hard time with Peter's kids, because they would love to come to her wedding, but not if Peter will be there.  My and my cousin's thoughts are like, "It's not like he'll come anyway," so now we're both just thinking about not inviting Peter and inviting his kids.

I thought about putting a note in with their Save The Dates, saying something like, "Julia -- We would really love to see you at the wedding.  If it makes a difference, I have left people off the list who have not valued our family," or something like that.  Is there any possible way to word a note like that politely?  What I'd like to accomplish with the note is 1) a polite way of saying that Peter and what's-her-face aren't invited; 2) they won't have to make an uncomfortable phone call to me asking if he'll be there; and 3) they won't miss the wedding thinking he'll be there and then realize later that they could've come.  Well... and 4) my family is just starting to learn how terrible he was to his kids, and now that they've exhausted their options of olive-branch-extensions to Peter, we all would like to reach out to his kids.

Any thoughts?  Much obliged!

tl;dr -- No one likes my uncle, he's a terrible person who is married to a terrible person, I'm not inviting him, but I'm inviting his kids, who have been estranged from him and the rest of the family (thanks to uncle) but are Facebook friends with me.  Not sure if I should include a note with their Save The Dates to let them know that their toxifather and evil stepmother are not invited; if so, I'm not sure how to word it.  The above paragraph details more of my thoughts on such a note.  Please advise.  Thanks all.   

[MannerMOG]

You can certainly invite the cousins and not the uncle, especially since they are adults.  How about dropping a note to their facebook walls when you're sending your STD's, saying that you've put that in the mail to them, you'd love to have them put the date on their calendar, and are hoping to reconnect with your cousins.  It seems like digging up old wounds to mention that their father is a bacon-fed knave and won't be there.

[kam0706]

I wouldn't mention the lack of invitation to uncle unless they decline - at which point I  might drop a note to ensure that wasn't the reason.

[Hanna]

No...just no.
Send them the invite and call them and gently broach the subject if you feel you must, but don't put that in writing.  It will not make anyone feel good.

[cicero]

sad story.

I would make a phone call. I don't see anything wrong with letting them know clearly that their father Peter is not invited. just telling them this fact is not what's going to bring up any bad memories - the bad memories and bad thoughts are already there. These children are adults - they deserve the respect and support of their relatives. dont' say things like "I have left people off the list who have not valued our family" because, well, that could mean anything or nothing. just say "I am so glad that we are reconnecting and I would love to have you at our wedding in [month]. Peter and his wife will not be invited."

I may have a somewhat skewed POV on this... My DS's father Bio-Dad (BD) has basically disowned him (DS) , has not had contact with him for years, etc and when DS made an attempt a while back to reconnect he was basically treated like dirt. so I know that my DS feels very supported and loved when BD's mother hugged him and told him "no matter what, you are my grandson" or when his aunt (one of BD's sisters) supported him through this

[Merry Mrs Martin]

   I think this deserves a phone call. If for some reason that's not possible A letter would be acceptable.
 I would not be cryptic with the save the date cards. the message is perfectly clear when included with your post but just be itself on a save the date I wouldn't know if you meant my father, stepmother , half siblings or possibly someone  else entirely. KWIM?

[maryofdoom]

I think you're in the clear when you send your cousins their own save-the-dates and invitations. I mean, they're adults. I'm an adult, and if I was invited to some type of social event, I wouldn't automatically assume that my parents were also invited.

The fact that your uncle seems to be a giant jerk has probably not escaped your cousins' attention, so I don't think you need to bring it up in any capacity. Especially if they've tried to reconcile with him in the past and have failed.

[TootsNYC]

I would go for a letter or a phone call (phone is best, bcs they can ask questions and get answers right away) in which you say, "I'll be sending you and  your brother an invitation to my wedding--I hope you can come, I'd love to have you two and your wife/kids, etc. represent your branch of the family."

Then they can ask you if that hint wasn't big enough.

Come to think of it, you could send them a save-the-date and write that: "I'm hoping you and your brother Peter/sister June can represent your branch of the family."

[kschmid5]

Why not broach this from a slightly different point?  Send the STD and invite without any notes, and call your cousins, to let them know you won't be inviting their father and stepmom, and that you hope that doesn't offend or upset them. 

This way, they won't feel like they have to stand up for their father, and you are not overly pressuring them to be at your wedding.  They may have other commitments or reasons they can't go that have nothing to do with their dad.

[Sway]

I think you should call each of them. You might find some way of wording it in the invitation or Save-the-dates that lets them know, but I think a phone call would better serve your reasons for inviting them to your wedding. A personal phone call will let them know that you really do want them there and you can assure them that you are not inviting Peter so that they can feel comfortable accepting.

I think you can be fairly plain with your wording too. "I want to personally let you know that your father is NOT invited to this event." It's seems your cousins have been straightforward with making it known they won't attend events if he might be there, so I think they would appreciate stronger assurances than a hint in the invitation.

[TootsNYC]

Why not broach this from a slightly different point?  Send the STD and invite without any notes, and call your cousins, to let them know you won't be inviting their father and stepmom, and that you hope that doesn't offend or upset them. 

This way, they won't feel like they have to stand up for their father, and you are not overly pressuring them to be at your wedding.  They may have other commitments or reasons they can't go that have nothing to do with their dad.

I do sort of like this--it casts things differently. It lets *them* reassure *you*.

[KeenReader]

Maybe, "We really want you to attend the wedding.  It would mean a lot to us for you to be there.  If it will make you more comfortable, please know that your father and stepmother won't be invited."

[vandalfan]

I agree that this warrants a telephone call rather than a general, written note in a STD or on facebook.

[Sway]

Why not broach this from a slightly different point?  Send the STD and invite without any notes, and call your cousins, to let them know you won't be inviting their father and stepmom, and that you hope that doesn't offend or upset them. 

This way, they won't feel like they have to stand up for their father, and you are not overly pressuring them to be at your wedding.  They may have other commitments or reasons they can't go that have nothing to do with their dad.

I do sort of like this--it casts things differently. It lets *them* reassure *you*.

The more I think about it the more I like it too. Like other methods, mine included, it doesn't clue them in that it's been the topic of conversation amongst family members.

[susie_the_q]

Why not broach this from a slightly different point?  Send the STD and invite without any notes, and call your cousins, to let them know you won't be inviting their father and stepmom, and that you hope that doesn't offend or upset them. 

This way, they won't feel like they have to stand up for their father, and you are not overly pressuring them to be at your wedding.  They may have other commitments or reasons they can't go that have nothing to do with their dad.

I do sort of like this--it casts things differently. It lets *them* reassure *you*.

The more I think about it the more I like it too. Like other methods, mine included, it doesn't clue them in that it's been the topic of conversation amongst family members.

OP here.  I like this too.  Since they've made it known that they won't attend any event where Peter's precense is even a remote possibility, this would resolve their concern.  And on my end, it won't seem like I'm inviting them to the wedding just to celebrate the fact that the rest of the family has finally given up on a rel@tionship with Peter.  To be honest, I wasn't even thinking of inviting them before, since I hadn't seen them in at least two decades.  However, there are several reasons why I'd like to invite them now, and not all of them have to do with acting oppositional towards Peter.