Facebook and extremely insensitive people.

[DottyG]

I am going to disagree with the PP here and say I do think it is a bit TMI (for me) to post anything that personal on Facebook.  I would never post about someone's death or divorce or other hardship on there.

Consider this, when you are in person, you can choose how you tell people things like that.  Your face and tone of voice are going to set the stage for the conversation.  People can react to social cues like that.

On Facebook, this is not the case.  You log on and wham!, there are people's status are right in your face, usually accompanied by their smiling pictures.  I just don't think that is the appropriate way to share bad news.

And, I disagree with your disagree!

One of my friends on FB just posted about her sister who committed suicide a few days ago.  This was an easier way of letting all of us know than trying to communicate it via phone, email or in person X number of times.  She was able to post it once and let everyone know what had happened, so we could be there for her and her family right now.  Doing it any other way would have just been like stabbing knives into her each time she had to tell someone.

[Two Ravens]

I am going to disagree with the PP here and say I do think it is a bit TMI (for me) to post anything that personal on Facebook.  I would never post about someone's death or divorce or other hardship on there.

Consider this, when you are in person, you can choose how you tell people things like that.  Your face and tone of voice are going to set the stage for the conversation.  People can react to social cues like that.

On Facebook, this is not the case.  You log on and wham!, there are people's status are right in your face, usually accompanied by their smiling pictures.  I just don't think that is the appropriate way to share bad news.

And, I disagree with your disagree!

One of my friends on FB just posted about her sister who committed suicide a few days ago.  This was an easier way of letting all of us know than trying to communicate it via phone, email or in person X number of times.  She was able to post it once and let everyone know what had happened, so we could be there for her and her family right now.  Doing it any other way would have just been like stabbing knives into her each time she had to tell someone.

She could have send a PM via Facebook.  She would have only had to write it one time then too.

[DottyG]

Well, none of us were offended by her post.  And, we all want to be there for her, so I guess we're ok.  Maybe other FB groups differ in how they share news.

[Two Ravens]

Well, none of us were offended by her post.  And, we all want to be there for her, so I guess we're ok.  Maybe other FB groups differ in how they share news.

If it works for you that's great.  Different strokes and all that. I am just saying, for me, it would be terribly upsetting to find out about a friend's suicide via a news stream.

[Brentwood]

I am going to disagree with the PP here and say I do think it is a bit TMI (for me) to post anything that personal on Facebook.  I would never post about someone's death or divorce or other hardship on there.

Consider this, when you are in person, you can choose how you tell people things like that.  Your face and tone of voice are going to set the stage for the conversation.  People can react to social cues like that.

On Facebook, this is not the case.  You log on and wham!, there are people's status are right in your face, usually accompanied by their smiling pictures.  I just don't think that is the appropriate way to share bad news.

And, I disagree with your disagree!

One of my friends on FB just posted about her sister who committed suicide a few days ago.  This was an easier way of letting all of us know than trying to communicate it via phone, email or in person X number of times.  She was able to post it once and let everyone know what had happened, so we could be there for her and her family right now.  Doing it any other way would have just been like stabbing knives into her each time she had to tell someone.

I'm with you. A childhood neighbor of mine - someone I've known for 40 years - is on my Facebook list. Her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly last week, and I think Facebook was an entirely appropriate way of letting her far-off friends and relatives know. The word spread quickly among my own family members (siblings, cousins, aunts & uncles). I think this was much better than someone having to make dozens of phone calls. I think it would be very strange if she couldn't say anything on FB about her husband's death.

[MadMadge43]

I once posted what I thought was a light hearted response to a post. Only to find out that I had missed another post that made mine one of the most tastless disgusting comments ever.

I thankfully had people quickly update me on the situation and I was able to take down the post as soon as possible. Mistakes happen, I would give him the benefit of the doubt unless it becomes a recurring situation.

As to whether it's TMI, I guess it depends upon who she has as friends. If it truly is only a few close knit friends than I think it's appropriate, but if she is friends with over 50 people, I would think it was too much.

[LifeOnPluto]

I would assume it's an in joke. Partly because I don't believe anyone is that much of a jerk and partly because I definately have that sort of rel@tionship with some people where a cruel comment is actually code for a bunch of mushy stuff we know but don't feel comfortable saying out loud.

This was my first thought too. If your friend is tough, and hates to be thought of as weak, she might actually appreciate a "buck up!" type of comment, rather than a long, mushy post full of sympathy and hugs. This could be what her guy friend was thinking, when he wrote the comment.

[tracieleigh]

If she was offended by the comment on her status, then she could have deleted it....I am going to vote that it was an "in jest" comment and no harm was meant or suggested.

[BettyDraper]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

POD on this. Not being on Facebook, but knowing a lot of people on it, I find it hard to fathom how people can post TMI updates, then expect that only positive, we-love-you messages will be left. If this is really a private issue, then post the awful news in private emails.

JMHO

I tend to agree with this.  Facebook is too casual a venue for serious announcements; if one is going to make them there (even to a restricted circle, which in the case described in the OP apparently wasn't restricted enough) one has to understand that it undermines the gravitas of the message.  I simply can't imagine posting medical updates or emotional woes of any kind on a social networking site. 

That said, of course the response the OP's friend received was crass and uncalled for. 

[BettyDraper]

Facebook is more of a general forum

The point that some of us are trying to tell you, though, is that FB isn't always just a "general forum."  There are some people whose Friends list is very intimate - only consisting of close family and friends.  And, to a group like this, news of the miscarriage wouldn't be out of place.  

You're looking at FB as a large group of people who may or may not be close to each other.  But, not everyone's group is like that.

Well, clearly the person in the OP misjudged the members of her group, didn't she? 

[BettyDraper]

This may be a sign of my age, or of my being completely out of step with the times, but I'm a bit shocked that someone would post updates about a matter as private as a miscarriage on Facebook. That's just my reaction.

The man who posted the remark was either callous or extremely ill-informed about the situation. No argument on that at all. "If you can't think of something nice to say, then say nothing at all," is a good lesson here.

POD on this. Not being on Facebook, but knowing a lot of people on it, I find it hard to fathom how people can post TMI updates, then expect that only positive, we-love-you messages will be left. If this is really a private issue, then post the awful news in private emails.

JMHO

This is how I feel about it as well. Maybe the OP's friend does too though and doesn't care about Captain Insensitive's comment. The comment was still a bit over the line though (unless it's an in-joke).

I guess I just don't understand how posting about the loss of a baby is considered TMI.  She didn't post the gory details (that, IMO, would be too much detail).  First post was that she thought that's what was happening.  Second was to update that it was, indeed a miscarriage.  Last post was several days later; they'd thought it was over and done with, but it hadn't been, quite.  She was in a great deal of physical pain and grieving.  If I posted about the loss of a pet or child or a severe injury that had me in a lot of pain (and, again, NOT the gory details, just that life sucked right now, basically), I don't see how that's TMI.

Many people wouldn't contemplate relating the blow-by-blow details of a miscarriage to their mother or best friend, let alone an Internet networking group.  I realize reproduction is fascinating to those undertaking it, but they often overestimate the appetite of others for the minutia.

From a social standards point of view, the idea that a woman would voluntarily evoke the mental images of "i thought it was over but it started up again this afternoon" in any but the most intimate people in her life (i.e. the father of the child and perhaps her parents or siblings) is just beyond the pale, whatever mode of communication she chooses.  Why burden people with that level of detail on what, while momentous to those involved, happens probably a million times a day on this planet?  I think if one is going to broadcast such TMI, one has to be prepared for less than enthusiastic reception.

[Brentwood]

Facebook is more of a general forum

The point that some of us are trying to tell you, though, is that FB isn't always just a "general forum."  There are some people whose Friends list is very intimate - only consisting of close family and friends.  And, to a group like this, news of the miscarriage wouldn't be out of place.  

You're looking at FB as a large group of people who may or may not be close to each other.  But, not everyone's group is like that.

Well, clearly the person in the OP misjudged the members of her group, didn't she? 

We have no idea if she "misjudged" the members of her list or not. We don't know what kind of relationship she has with the person who made the comment.

[BettyDraper]

Facebook is more of a general forum

The point that some of us are trying to tell you, though, is that FB isn't always just a "general forum."  There are some people whose Friends list is very intimate - only consisting of close family and friends.  And, to a group like this, news of the miscarriage wouldn't be out of place.  

You're looking at FB as a large group of people who may or may not be close to each other.  But, not everyone's group is like that.

Well, clearly the person in the OP misjudged the members of her group, didn't she? 

We have no idea if she "misjudged" the members of her list or not. We don't know what kind of rel@tionship she has with the person who made the comment.

Well, that or the OP is getting worked up on her friend's behalf over no valid reason, if the "in joke" theory above holds true. 

[Brentwood]

Facebook is more of a general forum

The point that some of us are trying to tell you, though, is that FB isn't always just a "general forum."  There are some people whose Friends list is very intimate - only consisting of close family and friends.  And, to a group like this, news of the miscarriage wouldn't be out of place.  

You're looking at FB as a large group of people who may or may not be close to each other.  But, not everyone's group is like that.

Well, clearly the person in the OP misjudged the members of her group, didn't she? 

We have no idea if she "misjudged" the members of her list or not. We don't know what kind of rel@tionship she has with the person who made the comment.

Well, that or the OP is getting worked up on her friend's behalf over no valid reason, if the "in joke" theory above holds true. 

I don't know if it's an "in joke" or something else - none of us does - but I usually leave other people's relationships to them.

[BettyDraper]

Facebook is more of a general forum

The point that some of us are trying to tell you, though, is that FB isn't always just a "general forum."  There are some people whose Friends list is very intimate - only consisting of close family and friends.  And, to a group like this, news of the miscarriage wouldn't be out of place.  

You're looking at FB as a large group of people who may or may not be close to each other.  But, not everyone's group is like that.

Well, clearly the person in the OP misjudged the members of her group, didn't she? 

We have no idea if she "misjudged" the members of her list or not. We don't know what kind of rel@tionship she has with the person who made the comment.

Well, that or the OP is getting worked up on her friend's behalf over no valid reason, if the "in joke" theory above holds true. 

I don't know if it's an "in joke" or something else - none of us does - but I usually leave other people's rel@tionships to them.

Agreed, but then why did the OP even bring it up?  She has no immediate stake in the byplay between the Facebook page owner and the "insensitive" poster. 

Our only option here, as on most threads, is to discuss it hypothetically or not at all.  If we left everyone's relationships to them, so to speak, eHell would be left with little more than "Cute photos beyond belief" and the "I need a Hug" thread.